- 6 years ago
- Wedding: January 2012
Hello my beautiful brides. Specially my bride-to-be’s because you sill have your wedding ahead of you and you can prevent disasters.
So it’s been a month since my wedding and I cannot seem to shake off this horrible depression, so I thought that writing about it may help. Perhaps someone out there has the words I need to hear.
I think every woman dreams of her wedding day, as that one perfect, special day, where you are your happiest, and most beautiful. I had so many images in my head on how my wedding day would go and I invested my heart and soul into planning for it, putting it together and striving for a wedding to remember… for my guests as well as for my groom and I. And as everyone would seem to express, I succeeded. I have heard so many times that my wedding was the “best wedding ever” and comments like that. So the event was well-planned and was a huge hit. Who do I tell it was a nightmare for me? Who would honestly understand me? Absolutely nobody, which is why I have all my feelings all bottled up and I cannot seem to stop being upset, crying or feeling shameful and regretful. Everyday.
Since the night before, I was way too stressed out to even begin to breathe, let alone enjoy what was coming. I pretty much planned the whole thing, wedding for 200, formal sit-down with all the 1.1 billion things that come with it. In four months. I am going to spare you the details because I don’t want to write a book, I can handle a lot of the things that can usually go wrong, relatives upsetting me, the running around, no time for anything even eat… wrong flowers in the bouquet… etc. I can do that. However I don’t know how to deal with sabotaging my own wedding. Switching dresses was supposed to be a beautiful surprise and I was supposed to enjoy my reception looking sexy in the strapless mermaid gown. (I wore a traditional gown with a long train for the ceremony). Unfortunately, all night there were nothing but wardrobe malfunctions and the most embarrassing time of my life. To some it may sound dumb, or funny, but I ruined the night I had planned, slaved, and worked so hard for; the special magical night I had been dreaming of. I night that I can never get back and is gone forever. And it was all my fault for choosing the wrong dress. IT BOILED DOWN TO THE WRONG DRESS!! I spent 80% of the time hiding in the restroom or wherever I could find cover.
How far has the disappointment taken me? To the point that I caught myself today saying out loud: I have lost my beauty (I lost 25 lbs for the wedding but gained about 15 back with the comfort eating) my youth (I am 33) and I couldn’t even prove that wrong on my wedding day. I failed. I don’t even have motivation to go out sometimes.
I would love to put this behind me. But I keep hearing music on the radio that I couldn’t enjoy at my wedding, people keep sharing pictures and videos with me (I am always afraid of what their lense caught) and most of all… I have this pressing on my chest that hurts a lot. I don’t know how to make it go away.