Post # 1
I was browsing online for relationship articles and bumped into this site.
Short story: I’ve been with my SO almost 3 years. We just moved in together earlier this year. His drinking has always been an “issue”, and thoughout the relationship he would periodically say “I really need to get myself on point/drink less/be more responsible”, etc. He would do progress at times, but lately he had been drinking a lot again and it affects his mood and the relationship (intimacy, less attentive, etc). I guess now that we live together, I see him hung over more than we were living separately. So last night, I brought up the issue again. He was defensive and our talk became an argument, and then if became a fight. He got super defensive and decided to move out (break-up) this morning saying that I am “attacking”/”stressing” him out. I am really not looking for advice at this point because the fight/break up is so fresh, I don’t know where to begin to pick up the pieces yet, but please feel free to give one, but more interested in reading others’ experiences.
Please feel free to share your experience.
Post # 2
I dated an alcoholic for a few years and he could never be held accountable for anything. Sure, once in awhile he would say “I really need to not drink during the week” or something like that, but if I mentioned it, he would get pissed. After he got a DUI, it was the cop’s fault. He was a miserable person to be around.
Unless your SO can take full accountability for his actions and make some real long term changes, you are probably going to end up hurt and disappointed over and over again.
Post # 3
brokenbee39450: Until he is actually doing the work to stay sober, there is no point in investing anymore time with him. I’m sorry.
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2017 - Nashville, TN
12 years I wasted on an alcoholic that never had a job. Our relationship became more of a friendship and someone I felt I had to take care of. I FINALLY wised up and and kicked him out for good. Then a year later I met my now Fiance, who doesn’t drink and has a great job.
Post # 5
- Wedding: March 2014 - Church and University
I was married to one. I can only hope that my children never decide to make that choice.
Post # 6
He broke up/moved out because his ability to keep drinking was being threatened and he wanted to protect his ability to drink at all costs. One of those costs being his relationship.
it sucks but you know where you stand. He might come crawling back and say he wants to work things out but he will say that while still drinking. He will bargain (I’ll cut back), make promises (I’ll quit when this stressful time at work has passed)and so on but what he won’t do, is quit drinking immediately.
Sorry. I know this must hurt but if you stay with him you have years of mess, crap and the drinking being his #1 love. Get out while it’s slightly less painful and those years haven’t worn you down completely.
Post # 7
SERIOUSLY I SAY THIS WITH THE MOST CARE AND RESPECT WALK AWAY
I have dated two men with drinking problems and that’s what they were nothing but issues. There are so many women that waste so much time with men like this hoping things will get better and they rarely do.
If you decide to make a life with this man be prepared for an uphill battle and a lot of heartache. Everytime he says he won’t drink and you find out he is, everytime he makes a promise to you and he lets you down, everytime he gets drunk and does something stupid.I really hope you reconsider this relationship. I would wish an addict of ANY kind on my worst enemy.
Post # 8
No I haven’t dated one, but my mom is an alcoholic. I would not wish that life upon anyone.
It sounds like the guy broke up with his girlfriend because she had caught on that he was addicted. People with addictions go to extreme lengths to cover up their problem. They won’t take any accountability for their actions. At least that’s my experience.
Post # 9
Yep, I dated a guy for a few months who was an alcoholic. He was extremely pretentious, rich, and lived alone while he was finishing up med school. I started noticing that he would drink an entire bottle of wine alone before he invited me to come over. Sometimes he would drink alone while I was there and I would literally have to carry him into bed.
Eventually we went our separate ways, and later he FB messaged me that his students had had an intervention with him and apologized for how he treated me (probably part of his 12 step program). From what I’ve seen on FB he’s still drinking. Not a fun experience at all – especially because I don’t drink!
Post # 10
I was with an alcoholic for 6 years. It was really bad. He would disappear for days at a time, hide alcohol all over the house, the whole 9 yards. Of course, it wasnt that bad when we started dating but it progressed over time. The relationship became very co-dependent. He was addicted to alcohol, I was addicted to rescuing him.
After 3 stints in rehab, and 2 year long stints in jail (for a DUI-that happened on my birthday, and breaking probation) I FINALLY was able to move on.
I’ve been with my current SO 3 years now and I can’t express to you what a weight it is off of my shoulders to be able to completely trust someone and to have someone put as much into the relationship as I am. Sure we have arguments, but overall our relationship is just so EASY.
As someone who has been through it, I’d like to stress the following:
– You can’t change this person unless they actually want to change (cliche but true) if he’s getting super defensive he might not be ready to deal with it,
-Relationships don’t HAVE to be contstantly difficult
– Trust is SO important. I still care about my ex, but even if the drinking stopped I could never actually trust him again.
– It can get much worse over time.
You deserve to be happy. Someone who isn’t ready to deal with a problem like this won’t make you as happy as you deserve. As shitty as it is to hear, you’re probably better off moving on. People told me the same thing when I was in my relationship and it never sunk in “but it’s DIFFERENT for us, were so in LLOOOOOOVE” I would think. But they were right.
Good luck with everything darlin! Remember, you deserve someone who makes you happy everyday and he’s out there!
Post # 11
Thanks everyone for the comments. It really helps to know stories of others. The things that some of you have said are so true of my SO, sadly (not taking resposibility, always blaming others, me). I guess at this point, I am beginning to really realize that I have not been his #1 love/priority. It’s the bottle… 🙁 Really hard to admit, specially if they make statements or reassurances that they will work on the problem.
Post # 12
brokenbee39450: It is a depressing realization. I had a hard time coming to terms with it, in my last relationship.
People can change, they just have to want to do it for themselves. You don’t have to see ending the relationship as a “forever” thing, but a “for now” thing.
You can’t stick around or you will be enabling him and hurting yourself at the same time. Took me a few years to figure that out. Good luck to you.
Post # 13
if you address this issue as a true “deal-breaker,” and he actually makes attempts to work on it, then i say the relationship is definitely salvageable.
my boyfriend of four years had a binge drinking problem and we got into many, many arguements about it. i grew up with an alcoholic father and was absolutely not willing to re-live that path. when i told him that there was no way we’d ever have a future if things continued the way they were, he finally turned things around.
we’ve been married for 3 years now and he has an occassional drink here and there but it hasn’t gotten out of hand in years. he started keeping a journal, and reading books about limiting his drinking, and he’s like a completely different person now. honestly, i think he just had a lot of growing up to do.
i warn you that it will probably take a lot of time to resolve this issue. he needs to want to change. he needs to show you change. and you need to support and encourage him all the way, and re-learn how to trust him, and forgive him.
Post # 14
It was hell for me. I was walking on egg shells; always worried about when he’d get drunk again. Angry drunk. It was a complete waste of time and energy. Go find someone who doesn’t have addiction issues, or you’ll be completely miserable. Sorry. It’s tough when you love someone who is torrmented.
Post # 15
My heart goes out to you. My family is full of alcoholics; my uncle died due to his addiction, which in turn broke up my entire extended family because of various conflicts and denial.
A person with an addiction has an uphill battle, and they need to fight that battle alone. You cannot help him, and he is not at the stage to help himself.
I’m sorry to say the best course of action is to pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and find a partner who is better fit for you.
Best of luck to you.