Post # 16
thesaurus_rex: Thanks. In one of our recent “talks” on the issue, I have actually told him that THIS is a deal-breaker for me. The tricky part is that he acts like he is making progress, and I get my hopes up, and then goes back to the same drunk-hangover cycle. I guess it’s up to him to really work on it, or be true to my word about it being a deal-breaker..
Post # 17
devi514: Funny thing is, before I met him he’s had 1 DUI and have made changes to his going out/habits so that it would not happen again. It obviously was not enough to get him sober. I guess having a girlfriend who was a designated driver has helped to prevent that from happening again maybe. I guess I was enabling him.
Post # 18
- Wedding: September 2016 - Blue Hound Farm
People are presenting a very dismal view of being in a relationship with someone with substance abuse, and while all of those perspectives are valid, it’s also true that many people do get and stay sober, and really become entirely different people as a result. Of course, the person has to be willing to admit there is a problem before any positive progress is made.
I’m currently in a relationship with a recovering addict/alcoholic. I was also in a relationship with him when he wasnt recovering. He is a very different person now than he was then. But yes, the times when he was struggling were incredibly difficult, and very painful. But hanging around was also totally worth it (not saying you should though, the difference in our situaiton is that he definitely recognized he had an issue and was willingly seeking help and treatment more often than he wasnt). Also, my perspective was perhaps more optimistic than other peoples would be, because I’m also a recovering addict. Feel free to message me if you would like to talk. Good luck!!
Post # 19
sarbear21: 12 years is a long time! I’m happy that you found someone new. I totally wouldn’t mind dating someone who doesn’t drink at all.
Post # 20
brokenbee39450: I know your recent argument is still fresh. If I have any advice that I wish someone had given me, it is pay close, close attention to his actions over the next few weeks, as you make decisions about your future.
When I broke up with my ex, I treated it like a break, I stayed away for a few weeks and watched his action. He showed remorse sometimes, but then a few days later he would start placing blame again. I ultimately decided to move out for good, but doing it slowly helped the transition.
If my ex had gotten serious about rehabilitation and showed me that, I would have stayed.
Post # 21
heputaringonit: I get what you’re saying. I really don’t see any real work on bettering himself unfortunately.
Post # 22
Happened to me dealing with him was like trying to nail jello to the wall…run for your life
Post # 23
devi514: Yes, it’s really fresh. Unfortunately, he still has a lot of his stuff at my place so it would be painful to see the move. Thanks, I will take your advice. If you don’t mind me asking, can you give me examples of the blame that he was doing. I’d really like to know if it’s the same as my SO..
Post # 24
I moved across the world for a man I didn’t know was an alcoholic. Sometimes it was awesome, sometimes it was the worst situations I’ve ever put myself in.
Many times he said he wanted to stop, tried to stop… but without professional help I don’t think he was going to conquer his addiction. In the end I had to leave – I wasn’t strong enough to help him through it, and he wasn’t at the point where he coud help himself.
Post # 25
cherryiice: Thanks for the comment. I’m happy that it is working out for you. I didn’t mention this, but he refuses to get help from outside. He believes that if is going to get sober, he can do it himself. Maybe he can…but most likely not.
Post # 26
Alcoholism is a deal breaker for me, I wouldn’t have wasted my time. Though I do know break ups are hard, so my heart goes out to you. The only person who can help him is himself, you cannot fix him. This is in no way your fault.
Post # 27
brokenbee39450: then I hate to say the obvious but why are you still with this guy? I get its hard to walk away the first time I dated an addict I really did think he was going to change. I spent two years dating him and several years after trying to get over the trama he caused me by his behavior.
The second addict I dated I stuck around for about 6 months after I found out about his issues. He promised he would get help that never happened. That was 5 years ago and I believe he is still an addict ( he definitly was last time I heard from him, he said he was still casually using cocaine and drinking just as much as he was before). I knew the second time around not to waste my time on someone who didn’t care about sobriety. There is a big difference between someone who is actively presuing sobriety and someone who content to stay an addict. Like I said I have a lot of issues due to things that happened during my relationships with these men. Addiction doesn’t just affect the addict it will take over your life as well.
Post # 28
brokenbee39450: One example is he would get really (blackout) drunk and be extremely rude and disrespectful to me. The next morning I would be (rightfully) upset with him. He would immediately become angry that I was angry and somehow I would end up having to apologize to make things “right.”
He would say that he wanted to limit his drinking and then would come home with a bottle, or he would start taking shots with friends when we were out. If I would remind him “hey, remember you wanted to limit your drinking” he would shrug it off or make me into the nag. He never respected me. When I look back, it was always me tip-toeing around his feelings. Walking on eggshells.
After his DUI, I picked him up from jail the next morning, and he immediately took an attitude with me. He would barely look at me, snapped at me, wanted to be alone. If it had been me with the DUI, I would be so worried that my SO was upset, apologetic and remorseful. He was non of those things.
When we broke up officially, a few months later he called me… while drunk… begging to reconcile. I clearly made the right decision.
Sometimes whenyou know, you know. It is so damn hard, I feel your pain girl. We lived together too. Somehow I made it out of that mess and I can look back on it and feel relieved it is over.
Your SO isn’t necessarily just like my ex. Just pay close attention. If your gut tells you to end it, honor yourself and do it.
Post # 29
Yes. We were childhood sweethearts and together from 16 until 21. His drinking got a lot worse through uni after his dad died.
I have an alcoholic parent (in recovery for decades though) so recognised all the signs, tricks, habits etc.
we we loved each other so much. I realised until he got into a 12 step programme nothing would change, only get worse. I also knew to get him to see he needed to help himself he needed to but his rock bottom. I knew I had to leave for that to happen. So that’s what I did. And I had to totally move on.
after many years of no contact we keep in touch very infrequently as friends as we are very dear to each other. He never really did get in to recovery. He’s what they call a functioning alcoholic. He married a lovely lady. But I’m glad I’m not living with him.
so my advice would be to get yourself to Al-anon. This will be useful to you (and him actually) regardless of whether you chose to stay or not. You’ll learn a lot. And get the support you need.
Post # 30
More examples of blaming:
– you are doing/ saying something that *triggers* him and makes him drink. If you didn’t do this or that, he wouldn’t drink
– you stress him out
– you nag him about it too much so he drinks out of spite/ becuase he doesn’t want to be controlled by you. If you wouldn’t nag, he wouldn’t drink (as much)
– you are so perfect and he can’t measure up. He doesn’t deserve you. (or some other form of him feeling like shit in comparison to you drives him to drink
– you don’t let him have guy time / unwind/ cut loose/ relax. If you would, he wouldn’t drink (as much)
Generally, a lot of *yeah, I drink. But it would be a perfectly normal amount except that you blah blah blah which makes me just want to drink more.* The insinuation being he believes he can still drink and would totally keep it down to a normal level if only you weren’t around.
So do the right thning and leave him. Then he won’t have a drinking problem.