(Closed) has anyone ever reconsidered marrying their FI because of his family?

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Oh, I hate to see this post because I know exactly how you feel and could have written it myself. I just married the man I love more than anything in July, knowing that I was married into a family that seems determined to hate me without cause. As has been said, the key is whether your Fiance will support, defend, and pick you. If he won’t, then you’re just setting yourself up for heartbreak. Luckily, mine does, but it doesn’t always make it easier. My new in-laws hurt us terribly by their actions on our wedding day and we’re constantly arguing with them…it comes down to learning how to not let their negativity affect you and your Fiance. Luckily, my wedding was wonderful and perfect despite them, but it is hard to know that you will never have the in-law relationship that some brides are so lucky to have. Good Luck and I wish you the best- keep your focus on what matters: choosing to build a life and a new family with the man you love.

Post # 18
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

flabride

I have a few questions.  You say Future Mother-In-Law was on his checking acount while in school, I am assuming college, why would you have a problem with that?  As a person in the banking industry I can tell you that there should always be 2 names on an account.  Was the money in his account really his or were his parents giving him money? How was his credit when done?  Was it good enough to buy a car?

In todays world credit is everything.

My Future Mother-In-Law is on my Fiance checking account and my mom is on mine.  I left college with no bills and good credit.  I have a job and he is looking.  Fiance has not so great credit and a ton of debt.  Because of my field of employment I know it is not a good idea to have his name on my accounts until after we are married.  I have told him that I will not marry him until he straightens his credit up & pays some of his debt off.  That is our reason for such a long engagement.

How is your credit compared to his?  How is your debit compared to his?  Do you really know she was in his accounts or are you just accusng her with no proof?  Are both of you working, you don’t say what your field of study is or was, what does he do does he have a job?

If he has good credit and few bills you should be happy your Future Mother-In-Law taught him financial responsibilty.

As tampamom says there are always two sides to a story. 

 I wish my Future Mother-In-Law would have taught my Fiance how to handle money then maybe we wouldn’t have to wait.  My problem with my Future Mother-In-Law is that she is financially irresponsible. 

If you marry him you are marrying his family too.  Encouraging him to not speak to his parents is no way to solve your problems.  It only creates more

 

 

Post # 19
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee

Yes, definitely. His family situation is very complicated with lots of tragedy and drama. I really feel like I’m in over my head sometimes. Fiance, however, is pretty much the calmest, most normal person I’ve ever met, and we don’t see his fam that often, so I’m just going to deal with it.

I think if there were other big issues in the relationship in addition to not liking his family, I probably wouldn’t have let it come this far.

Post # 20
Member
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

@bridein2011 – It must be an American/Canadian difference, but I have never heard of having your parents listed on your account when you’re in university. It may be done but I think it’s not common. I think the last time I had my parents listed on my bank account, I was 13 years old. And anyway, it sounds like she wasn’t just listed on his account but actively tracking it – it sounds very invasive and controlling to me. When you’re an adult, it’s not your parents’ business how you’re spending your money.

@flabride – I agree with other posters – it sounds like your man is on your side and setting the appropriate boundaries which is most important. It won’t make dealing with his parents easy, but hopefully it will make it easier. Congrats on having a man who is willing to stand beside you, and I hope the situation improves over time!

Post # 21
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I agree with TampaBride. Sometimes you just have to bite your tongue. Life is too short to keep the drama coming.

I’ve never been serious with a guy that didn’t have some sort of family drama going on. While I’m not the target of the drama going on in his family right now, I know there are two sides to the story and stay out of it. Just like him, I think the world of both parties and stay out.

He definitely shields/and warns me and that is his job. I do the same from anything that might come at him from my side. That’s how it should be.

 

Post # 22
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Honestly, his mom was one of the (several) reasons why my ex-H and I split.  But here’s the difference – he never, ever stood up to her.  Even when she did things that I asked her not to (i.e., giving my then-infant daughter medicine that she should not have had or putting ammonia on her bug bites), even when it cut into our time as a family, even when it went so far as to (in my opinion) endanger our daughter’s safety.  My ex-MIL actually insisted that we take our then-2-year-old daughter on vacation with us (and ex-ILs) to Romania.  (And no, they aren’t Romanian, they were stationed there for a little while).  Then she offered to watch her where we were staying while we went to an art museum.  We came back a few hours later and she had taken our daughter for a walk in a dangerous part of Bucharest, where there are WILD DOGS and beggars and…  I was fuming.  By the time we got back from that trip, our daughter had developed a staph infection ON HER FACE. 

OK, rant over.  You get my point, this is a sore subject.  BUT, all of this could have been completely avoided had my ex-H ever gotten a backbone and stood up to Mother-In-Law.  Instead, the very eff-d up dynamic was to give in to whatever she wanted, and if I ever said anything contrary, I was being the nasty person.

Your Fiance sounds the opposite – and for that reason, I say, don’t reconsider.  Marry him.  🙂

 

Post # 23
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

teapaty

I don’t know about Canada but here in the US we have privacy laws.  The reason you have 2 names on an account is that if there is only one name on your account and something happens to you, car accident etc, I can’t tell you how many of my friends ran into this problem, no one and I do mean no one can access your account.  Say your in the hospital and you have rent due, car payment due & they need to be paid someone would have to get a court order to access your account to pay your bills for you.  As a branch manager of a bank I can tell you it is costly & time consuming.

You should always have 2 names on an account & when your in college a parents name is best.  It allows then to check your balance to make sure you have enough money, unless you are paying your way.  I suspect flabride’s Fiance was not paying his way.  I suspect that his parents were supplementing his income & he was dependent on them.  You may be an adult but if you are accepting their money then you are not self sufficient.

If flabride went to college was any of her parents on her account.?  Probably.

Frankly I think you need to read between the lines.  I think flabride is the controlling one.  Sounds to me like she would like nothing more than for him to not have a relationship with his parents.  She claims to have done “nothing”.  Remeber it takes two to tangle.  From my experience those who claim to have done nothing usually are guilty of something.  The questions is what.

As you can tell I am probably a little older than most of you, early 30’s.

Flabride also doesn’t say whether they, his parents have tried totalk to himor her since the blow-up.  Also did they have them over to “discuss” or to lecture.

 

Post # 24
Member
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t think th eissue was iwth the mother in law having her name on the account. i think the issue was her accessing his information and his eamil. Bank account is one thing, in an emergency situation. But there is no need for a parent to have accessv to their child’s email after the age of 18.

i think you’re very lucky flabride that your Fiance does stick up for you.

Post # 25
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@bridein2011-  I’ve never heard of anything like that before.  My parents have never been on any of my accounts, and that’s true of my friends, as well.  Also- I’m also in my 30s, so I don’t think my age has anything to do with it. 

Post # 26
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Think about it. I did, and almost left him because of his family. I decided I loved him enough to deal with it. We’ve been together for many years now and it doesn’t get better, it just gets worse. I actually hate some members of his family and it makes things difficult. It stresses me out when we have to see them and in general dealing with his family is very stressful and drives me insane. They are so involved with everything you don’t have any privacy, everybody knows everyones business, and this is on a weekly basis. I do love my husband, but it is definitely a stress on our relationship. We are seriously contemplating moving just to put more distance between us. Sometimes the thought that I will have to deal with them for the rest of my life is just very depressing and I want out.

I don’t think I really helped you, but seriously think about it.

Post # 27
Member
305 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010 - Wyndham Sugar Bay Resort, St. Thomas

I haven’t experienced this personally but one of my best friends is married, just had a baby, and told me that if she had another chance to do it all over again, she probably wouldn’t have (though she wouldn’t give up her baby for anything). His mother has been beyond awful to her. They took a trip to Italy with his family and his mother yelled in her face, told her to give him some family time and go wander off by herself – in a country she’s never been to before and doesn’t speak the language. And that’s just one example and I completely feel for her. 

To BrideIn2011, she is 31 and I am 32, and she feels the same way as a lot of the people in this thread, age doesn’t necessarily have much to do with it. When you’re being treated poorly, it’s a tough road.

Post # 30
Member
230 posts
Helper bee

Holy. Crap.

That is so scary!

Post # 31
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I have definitly considered the consequences of having in-laws that do not get along. Our problem isn’t really with us, but our parents don’t get along with each other. They just have different values and different priorities. This has interfered with our relationship in the past, and at times I’ve been afraid that our wedding will be a total disaster. At this point, I’ve just become realistic about the fact that they’re never going to be chummy. Even though it isn’t an ideal situation, my mom does not get along with her Mother-In-Law and we kind of just laugh about it all the time, so I feel like it’s not something I should get overly stressed out about. I do feel that in situations like these, it is important to draw the lines for your privacy early in the relationship to avoid awkward situations later.

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