(Closed) Has anyone here refused financial help from parents or in-laws for housing?

posted 5 years ago in Money
Post # 92
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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cb191:  I’ve been following this thread all day and at this point I feel sorry for your fiance.  She loves you very much, otherwise you wouldn’t be getting married.  So many posters have objectively told you that you shouldn’t go tit for tat, but you continue to have this internal power struggle.  How would your fiance feel if she knew you felt this way?

Love comes in many forms.  Your parents are no less worthy because they can’t help you out financially.  Nobody is saying that they are less than hers.  Her parents are just trying to help you and their daughter. What is so terrible about that?

I hate to go there, but I will: not too long ago, you couldn’t have gotten legally married.  Not to long ago, many parents, very wrongly, would have disinherited their daughters for being gay.  Can’t you for just a second stop and think how lucky you are to have this beautiful woman, to be loved and accepted by her family and to be getting married?  Why focus on what you have to offer (finanially) versus her.  Just enjoy getting married and merging your two families together.  Just be happy!!!!

Post # 94
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

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cb191:  It sounds like either you have low self-esteem or that your fiance makes you feel bad that her family is wealthier than yours.   I’m leaning towards low self-esteem from your responses, but of course, I don’t know.  Your fiance seems willing to compromise by not going on any more family trips, but honestly, I think that’s unfair on your part.  What’s wrong with family trips?  

For some reason, you don’t feel good enough.  Why?  Is she making you feel this way?  Or is it in your head?  Maybe talking to a psychologist will help?

But regardless, you need to  start loving yourself more.  YOU ARE WORTHY.  Having less money doesn’t mean that you’re less of a person.  It just means that you have less money.  

I’m also still concerned about the biological children thing.  If you do want biological children it is still so very possible.  Be honest with yourself: do you want them?  If not, that’s a-okay, but admit it to yourself.  Stop this nonsense that you’ll be too old.  You aren’t now and you won’t be for awhile.

Reading what you’ve had to say, I really do wonder if you want to be with this woman.  You seem so conflicted.   

Post # 95
Member
4766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I know one thing that’s a huge turn off in a relationship is when one party puts the feelings of their parents ahead of their significant other’s.

If I read this thread and was your Fiance, I’d seriously consider breaking up with you.

Post # 97
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I really think you love your fiancée but your insecurities are preventing you from behaving in a loving manner – you’re essentially keeping her from travelling because it makes you feel bad? i think you need to speak to a professional because I don’t think that long term your relationship can survive with your fiancée having to curtail her life to make you feel better. Also, you deserve to feel good on your own!

 

Post # 98
Member
13017 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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cb191:  Believe me, you are the only one who presently thinks of yourself and your family as “lesser” or “uncultured.”  You still sound very rigid on this, so I’d warn against this turning into a self fulfilling prophecy. The more I read how you are perceiving your role in the relationship, the more I would suggest counseling and postponing any actual wedding.  It troubles me that Fiance knows nothing of the way you think, which is so not fair to her. 

As an engaged couple, I can understand you feeling left out of this HI trip, though. Did her parents offer to take you?  If so, and you refused, it would be unfair to tell her not to travel with them again. 

Post # 100
Member
13017 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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cb191:  

“I fear my parents feeling bad because they won’t ever be able to contribute as much as her parents to our lives. It would be hard for them just to babysit the kids and give occasional gifts and then see her parents offer bigger gifts.”

It is not a competition. This kind of jealousy is something that will eat you up inside and destroy your relationships if you allow it. The hope is that you would raise children who will value and love the people more than the  presents. Even young children can understand that not everyone can afford equally and that it’s the thought and the love that counts. 

Post # 101
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Surely there’s some sort of middle ground, where sometimes your Fiance learns to put comfort and convenience aside to stand (or fall) together as a couple and not accept handouts, and sometimes you learn to put your pride and insecurities aside and graciously accept some help.  

I really think that bringing this problem to your Fiance asap is the best way to build a workable solution, with or without professional counselling.  There’s no need to struggle alone.  

Post # 105
Member
13017 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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cb191:  You need to talk to Fiance about your feelings before blindsiding her and her parents in this way. That is just so disrespectful of your relationship with Fiance and I’d be furious to be hearing this from you for the first time before ever discussing it. 

 I hope she will be able to make you see that your biggest concerns are based on your projecting feelings of unreasonable jealousy onto your parents. Similarly, I can understand wanting to travel as couple at this stage, but your real reason seems to be you are uncomfortable that Fiance experiences good things. That’s not fair or rational. 

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