(Closed) Has anyone lived with someone with BPD*? How do you cope?- Long

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee

My SO has  schizophrenia and bi-polar.    There is many good days when all is well for SO.   Then there is the days when he goes through psychosis,  I have been there when I’m his target when he has gone through psychosis. 

One time when he was going through it, he held me tight and said “They are going to take you away from me.”   I’m not sure who “they” are but my heart went out to him and I have told him many times that no one is ever going to take me away from him.  Yet he says “they” will.  

It is stressful when he does go through it but I knowI have to be paitent and let him get it out of his system before he comes back to his happy self.  

That is what I do I just let him get it out, it’s hard to stand by but in my experience I have picked up the warning signs for when psychosis hits.     

I’m sorry to read that it is getting to you.  Maybe you can speak to a mental health line.   Just give them a call explain your situation and they can offer some advice.   I know I rang them once when SO was in full blown psychosis and it felt like a weight off my shoulders when I talked to them. 

Post # 4
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Living with someone who has a mental illness is something you can’t understand until you’ve been there. My sister has BPD, hers manifests itself differently from your mom though. Self harm and maintaining a second personality where she has a different name and has an abusive mother and suffers from cancer. Her illness has created a huge amount of suffering in my family. My parents have had to chase her all over the country because she meets people online and then goes to live with them as “Kaity” her alter ego. Your SO wont ever be able to fully understand but he should respect your need for space. I really feel for you! If you ever need to chat just PM me!

Post # 5
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Also, find ways that help you vent. I write and journal. Try to find ways to relax but the biggest thing to remember is you can’t control her behavior. space was the thing that really helped me. Now when I see my sister it is for a few hours at a time or online and it is so much easier to have a good raport. Give yourself permission to seperate yourself for some time to heal yourself!

Post # 6
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee

Sending you both hugs,  it is so stressful and painful to stand by when it happens.  Just remember you are not alone.

Post # 7
Member
3246 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Oh, how awful. I’m sorry life is like this for you. 🙁 🙁 There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you for wanting to be able to control how much you see her, when, and how much power she exerts over you.

Are you able in any way at all to live somewhere other than her home? If I have taken the gist of your post correctly, you live with her(?); can you possibly live elsewhere? Are you 18 or older? If you are, and can possibly arrange another living situation, please, please do, since if you are legally an adult, no one can stop you from living on your own. Would you consider living with your SO (if you don’t already)? Can you move further away? Are there any relatives you could live with who wold help protect you from her?

I think that some kind of counseling would really help you get through all of the terrible things she has put you through– but maybe you have already sought that out. Also, I think that when she is in one of her “moods,” as you said, and you want to get out, do so. It doesn’t sound like it’s worth the fear and pain to try to be around her.

I completely support you getting distance and controlling how much you interact with her. I hope you find a way to make this better for you!

Post # 8
Member
2753 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Have you explained it exactly the way you have in your last two paragraphs? If I heard someone I care about lay it out in such clear and concise terms, I’d feel better about (for lack of a better term). I can understand why he wants this for you and commend him for it, but at the same time he needs to respect your needs and wants with regards to moving forward with your mom. If he still can’t see it, then at the very least, you can ask him to just believe you when you say it isn’t out of spite and to respect your process. (((((HUGS))))) What a difficult situation you are in. Vent away! That’s what WB is for.

Post # 9
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

@ForeverBirds his abuse is in his past, and he has forgiven his father, but I imagine their relationship functions on your SO’s terms of “no abuse allowed.” Because of the nature of untreated BPD, your mom is unable to keep those terms. Her abuse of you is ongoing. And she won’t go to therapy to even try to stop. I have a friend whose mom has BPD. They have a strained relationship after a while of no contact. Her mom knows she will cut off contact immediately if she starts yelling at her, and she follows through. So her mom mostly behaves civilly. It’s such a horrible position you are in. You should make your SO read your post here. The abuse is very clear and heartbreaking. But the “newly converted” can often be so excited to share their epiphany, they apply their solution to everyone’s problems. He needs to recognize you can’t just forgive your abuse because it is ongoing and your mom is refusing therapy, the only treatment for personality disorders (and continuing to take Xanax!) so she isn’t even trying to stop. As per your mom, I would make contact with you conditional on her behavior, and stick to your guns. I’m really sorry you have to deal with this.

Post # 10
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

@ForeverBirds:  My mother has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and she’s just as bad. The brilliant thing about BPDs and NPDs is that they don’t feel any empathy for you whatsoever and so it NEVER does an iota of good talking to them about it. The thing is, she knows what she is doing is wrong, but she will never acknowledge it in a billion years. Have you read this article?

http://www.lightshouse.org/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers.html#axzz2E7TXy7Gh

There are articles on this website that deal with Borderline parents as well. If you read them you will see how cunning they are and that they can even fool psychiatrists let alone their loved ones. Just try to wrap your head around this: you can never have a relationship with these people. You can give them what they want, you can pity them or you can hate them and leave them alone. Relationship, which essentially is a two-way street, is something beyond these people, no matter how much you would like to have one. Your choices are pretty limited:

1. Cut all ties with her

           OR

2. Treat her like you would treat a person who is mentally challenegd

Don’t see her as your equal or as somebody who is capable of reciprocating what you do for them. If your SO disagrees, show him this post and ask him to PM me. I can tell him a thing or two about living with such parents, notwithstanding his paternal abuse.

Post # 11
Member
6355 posts
Bee Keeper

Avoid interacting with them as much as possible and move out ASAP. If you care about them, you could still interact with them when you have the energy and patience, but you need your own space to go back to, for your own sanity.

Post # 12
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I have BPD…mine is highly functioning.  10 years of self therapy and a couple years here and there of seeing counselors. 

I’m very self aware of my tendencies and triggers…I keep people generally at arm’s length because of it.  My Fiance is the anti-BPD; very level headed, logical, doesnt engage in any kind of drama or games, very confident, etc.  He is tremedously good to me and good for me- I stay “well” for him.  He knows that when I’m quiet, it’s because I’m talking myself down from saying or doing something irrational.  He knows that when I do let the BPD get to me, it’s only fueled by one thing- insecurity.  He doesn’t take my shit, but he knows where it’s coming from.

Your mom’s road is going to be difficult until she realizes that she is not normal, plain and simple.  She needs to realize that she is the problem and muster up the strength, courage and motivation to put in the work to get better. It’s a very painful world inside your Mom’s head..the dillusions of grandeur, paranoia and fear overwhelms her and she outwardly expresses that as anger. 

Please PM me if you have any questions. 

Post # 13
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

@ForeverBirds:  Eeek, he needs to get on your side. My mom isn’t even in the neighborhood of being as bad as yours, but we do have a strained relationship and she’s been known to do some pretty hurtful, manipulative things. My most recent ex tried to be supportive, but was always telling me how it was clear my mother loved me and how we should try to work it out, and that I was just being stubborn…

My current SO knows she’s batshit insane, and while he’s pleasant enough around her, he’s also supportive of me when I’m having a bad mom day and it’s perfect. It’s good to not wallow about things, and it’s good to try to move on… but your SO needs to recognize the past you share with your mom and recognize that it’s not okay, and you need to deal with it in your own way. :/

I live in a different city now. I go back and visit a few times a year, but I always get a hotel room or stay with a friend. Once you get some space it’ll be easier to put your relationship with her in perspective, and you can have as much or as little of a relationship with her as you’d like.

@Aquababes:  The brilliant thing about BPDs and NPDs is that they don’t feel any empathy for you whatsoever and so it NEVER does an iota of good talking to them about it. The thing is, she knows what she is doing is wrong, but she will never acknowledge it in a billion years.

THIS. My mom is nowhere as bad as the OP’s mom, but even with mine, I’ve tried talking sense into her when she’s in one of her fits. Tried calling her out on things gently and with a level head, and telling her “I find that hurtful” and “you know that’s not my fault”, etc. etc. but it just makes it worse. You just need to get distance and deal with them however much you’re comfortable with.

 

OP, I’m so sorry, this sounds awful. 🙁

Post # 14
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My mom married this guy when I was eleven and we very quickly learned that he had BPD. He completely destroyed my family, we were miserable for many years because of him. She finally divorced him when I was 18 but the damage has been done and now my mother and I don’t get along.

Good luck, it’s tough.

Post # 16
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

@ForeverBirds:  some people hear about emotional abuse and are like, “Just don’t let it get to you,” when it’s not that easy.

Yep. It’d be easy to ‘not let it get to you’ if you just spent a weekend with a difficult person. But months, years, your whole childhood… especially if it happens when you’re younger, when you’re learning about how the world works and how people relate to one another… It can mess you up for years and years, if not a lifetime. I’m still discovering ways that my childhood was messed up that I didn’t realize ISN’T completely normal kid stuff. I can’t very well just brush it off if I don’t even really know what life is like otherwise…

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