(Closed) Has anyone lost a family member or close friend to suicide?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My ex-boyfriend committed suicide.  We had been long split up at the time, but had always remained close; we had a lot of love for one another, just couldn’t make a relationship work. I was at work when my best friend (who would later die of septic shock after an ulcer in her small intestine was left untreated too long and leaked toxins into her bloodstream) called me with the news that he’d shot himself early that morning.  I still remember what it feels like to have the whole room spin, and to lose every bit of strength in your body and just kind of slump to the floor. It’s absolutely overwhelming on so many levels, and one of the hardest things you can go through.

You’re right, this kind of death is not like any other.  You have so many unanswered questions, and have so many “what if’s” that you will live with forever. What if I’d spent more time with him?  What if I’d tried harder to make our relationship work?  It’s a nonstop chorus in your head.  

Then there’s the anger— and it’s impossible not to be angry.  Why weren’t my feelings important enough to make him reconsider?  Why would he put me through this?  Suicide is an incredibly selfish act; don’t get me wrong, I don’t think anyone who commits suicide is being selfish on purpose, but it is the one thing you can do that absolutely no one else has any control over, and absolutely cannot be taken away from you. It is absolutely normal to feel anger at the person who ends their own life.

It gets better in time. You begin to realize and truly understand that you can never understand the things that made that person believe that they truly could not get past the pain, sorrow and hopelessness; and that no matter how close you were, their suicide is not a reflection on your relationship.  It doesn’t mean that they did not love you and cherish you; it just means that some people have so much pain in their lives that the are exhausted of trying to survive it.

And one day you will be able to think of your mother without crying, or without being angry, and remember the good things and love you shared.  Time does heal all wounds.  There will be some hard days. The first anniversary of her death, your birthday, your wedding, then the tenth anniversary of her death. And random little things like a song on the radio or a random scent in the air will bring back a memory.  But these things will mellow in time, and while you’ll always be a little sad for that loss, your “memory moments” will be more of a sweet moment, just happy to have had the good times you did. It will get better, I promise.

Post # 4
5479 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Holy crap, that’s an intensely sad story :*(  I’m sorry you had to go through that.  I have not lost anyone as close to me as an immediate family member, though my mother suffers from depression as well (and this is honestly one of my biggest fears).

I have lost friends to suicide, and other tragedies as well.  In fact, I just found out last night that someone close to my best friend, who I know more as an acquaintance, shot himself yesterday.  My friend is obviously devastated.  She’s angry, she’s sad, and she has every right to feel all of those things.

I think what’s one of the hardest things, for me anyway, to deal with when someone commits suicide is that you’re overwhelmingly sad that they’re gone, but you’re also SO PISSED that they would do that to everyone left behind.  At first, I feel guilty for being angry, but I realize now that it’s a normal response.  Just because someone is gone doesn’t mean you can be really mad at them.  It’s such a selfish choice, but I’ll never grasp the depth of despair it would take to commit suicide, so I’m in no position to judge.

My sister lost two friends when she was in high school to suicide.  I know it really shook her, but a group of people got together and started an initiative called Hold Hope in response to teen suicide:  http://holdhope.org/

Post # 5
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry for your loss. My experiences with suicide do not compare in any means to losing someone as close to as a mother. Especially one that seems like you had such a good relationship with.

I have experienced 5 suicides in my 30 years. That of my god-parents son who was 10 years my senoir, an old friend from high school, my Bestie’s brother and my very first “real” serious boyfriend, who was an ex at the time. Every situation is sad and came about in a completely different way. I feel that everyone always looks back and notices things they could have picked up on, but I do believe the majority of the time the signs are not really “in your face” type signals. I never felt anger during these times, though I can understand why so many people around me were experiencing that emotion. I just find it so incredibly sad that someone is hurting so bad that they see suicide as the only way to stop the pain. Everyone says that suicide is a selfish act, which it probably is though I do not beleive that the people comitting suicide ever look at it like that. I just think they are trying to escape a pain that the rest of us have never experienced. I’m sorry for your loss & I think even though it’s very unfortunate your mom is no longer experiencing the pain she did in this life.

Post # 7
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Yes, my abusive biological father.  I don’t remember years of my childhood because my child-brain couldn’t cope.  Its a weird feeling when I think about it now- not sadness, I don’t know how to describe it.

Post # 8
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

The first suicide was a boy in high school.  That was 1983 and none of us had any idea he would ever do it.  He shot himself with a shotgun.

Then I had a string of cousins commit suicide.  Two were overdoses and the other shot himself.  The two ODs were several years older than me so I wasn’t that close to them.  The other cousin was a year older than me and we grew up together.  It absolutely crushed me and still breaks my heart to this day.  It’s been 12 years since he did it and it took me several years go deal with it. 

About 6 months after my cousin shot himself my uncle (not his father) shot himself on the street while begging 2 police officers to shoot him.

Somewhere in there I had another cousin attempt suicide by hanging.  All these family member were on my father’s side of the family.  I can’t help but think that it’s no coincidence…there is something inherently wrong on that side of the family.  I don’t think we’re all “sick” but I think there are issues.  Physical abuse and emotional abuse have been commonplace (starting with my grandfather) and alcohol and drug abuse run rampant (grandfather on down).  I was lucky…my father was a good man and other family members are also okay. 

I’m so sorry you had to go through this with your mom.  Sometimes there are no outward signs.  Parents especially will shield their children from their feelings.  It’s a terrible club.  🙁

Post # 9
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@jellybeangreen246:  I am so sorry for your loss. Just know your mother loved you and she is no longer in pain, and of course will be watching over you during your wedding.

I have a few experiences with suicide. I had 2 acquaintances in high school hang themselves, which shook our entire community. While I did not have close friendships with either of them personally, I had talked to them before and it was difficult to try to understand what made them feel so helpless that they would follow through with suicide.

A guest who was supposed to come to our wedding (father of my mom’s cousin) committed suicide by shotgun the week before our wedding. I had never met him, but the rest of his family who attended our wedding was very distraught, understandably. He was a senior, and his wife had passed away the previous year.

But I guess the closest I’ve ever experienced it was my ex-BF, who was unsuccessful at his suicide attempt. I was dating him at the time, and he suffered from bi-polar disorder. I tried calling him one evening and he didn’t answer his phone or his door in the apartment building. I ended up having the building super open his door and he had consumed an entire bottle of sleeping pills (like 50 of them) in addition to about 1/2 a bottle of vodka. He was completely out when I got there, and we immediately called the paramedics. The building was literally 5 blocks from the hospital so they got him there and pumped his stomach and he was there for a few days. He ended up being ok, but his parents came and picked him up from out of state and he moved back with them. I was so shaken up from that incident, I went to counseling for awhile to just sort out my feelings a bit.

I hope you have gotten some counseling to help talk through your feelings. I hope you have a beautiful wedding and can honor your mother and the positive influence she did have on your life. *hugs*

Post # 10
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My grandfather committed suicide two days after Christmas when I was in Middle School.  I still have a hard time with it, mostly because my family never talks about it. 

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss.  It can take a really long time to heal from both the sadness and the anger.  Hugs to you!

Post # 11
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I have. I lost my grandmother to suicide when I was eleven years old. When I was in eighth grade, one of my friends from school committed suicide, along with her mother.

Post # 12
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Not anyone I’m particularly close to. My heart goes out to all of you who have, as I can’t even imagine that pain. 

OP — how hard for you. I feel from your story that your mother had her problems, but that she loved you very much. I hope your memory of her is a comfort and joy on your wedding day.

Post # 13
13 posts
  • Wedding: May 2014

In two days it will be two years since my FIs father committed suicide. at the time i was 38 weeks pregnant with our sweet baby girl. it was 2 weeks after Fiance turrned 19, and 19 years is no where near long enough time spent with your father. it was the day before my birthday and Fiance and his mom were out shopping for my gift and getting last minute things for our baby. when Future Mother-In-Law returned home that night she found Eugene hanging from FIs pull up bar in FIs old bedroom. i will never forget the look on Codys face when his mother told him there was an emergency and that she needed him to come home right away. she didnt say what had happened, but Fiance just knew.  he still has a hard time coping with it and never talks about it. but the worst thing to both of us is that our daughter will never get to know what an awesome person her gradpa was. i cant help but wonder if he would have done it if he would have just waited to see what a beautiful perfect babygirl his son made. i still get angry and cry whenever i talk about his death. i hate him so much for he did…leaving his qo year old son so soon..and at one of the hardest, confusing and challenging times in codys life. we were babies having a baby and he couldnt even ask his dad for advice on anything. it makes me so upset but im also hopeful that he is guiding cody in his own way and watching over our daughter and keeping her safe. n

Post # 14
3265 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I’m so sorry for all of your losses. I know how hard suicide is to deal with.

I lost my very close uncle earlier this year. He took a gun to himself, suddenly, in front of my dad (his brother). He was someone I knew I could always turn to if I needed advice, needed help with something, etc. etc. It’s still hard to think about sometimes.

Post # 15
2077 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’ve known a few people who have taken their own life.  The closest to me was my step-grandfather.  After a couple failed attempts that no one knew about until his suicide letter, he shot himself outside of his business a few years ago.  

My youngest sister was very close with him.

I remember being SO angry when I got the phone call.  Angry primarily for my sister- She loved her grandfather dearly and was too young to understand what had happened.  As far as I know, she still thinks he died because “his heart was sick.”  I couldn’t stop thinking about the future for her-  Especially how she might feel the day she finds out he took his own life.  It took a long time for me to forgive him.

Post # 16
1890 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I am so sorry to hear about all of your losses.  I lost my sister to suicide when I was almost 13 (she was 16).  She had attempted suicide when she was 15 by ODing on pills and the hospital was able to save her, but 9 months later, she left school in the middle of the day, took a cab to downtown Baltimore, and jumped off a high-rise building. It was very difficult for me and my mom, and it completely changed me as a person.  It also makes it difficult to talk about growing up and stuff because I don’t want to not mention her, as she was there my entire life growing up, but I don’t want people to ask me about her and have to tell them what happened, especially since she was so young and people know it was probably something traumatic.

OP or anyone here, please PM me if you want to hear anything else or just want someone to talk to.  Since her death, I have become something of a therapist to my friends and can always offer some advice or just a listening ear.

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