(Closed) Has anyone NOT been invited to a wedding you FI was invited to?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m going to sort of go against the grain here – I think a lot of couples have to make tough decisions about who they can/can’t invite to their wedding, especially if its small/intimate or they are on a budget. They are not “obligated” to invite you, nor is your fiance “obligated” to accept the invitation if he is uncomfortable going without you.

My Fiance was best man in a wedding recently that I was not invited to. Did that suck for me? Yes. Did I complain and make a big deal? No. The couple was having a destination wedding with a very strict cap on how many they could invite. I wish I could have gone, but they probably would have had to uninvite an aunt or uncle or closer friend to include me, which I did not expect from them. They had a right to have the intimate wedding they’d always dreamed of. Now, they talked to my Fiance about this and explained their situation, which I think was considerate of them, and in your case, the couple probably should have done. It probably wouldn’t hurt to have your Fiance talk to them and find out if you are supposed to be invited.

Post # 32
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

?!

Post # 33
Member
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t think you are obligated to invite ANYONE to your wedding, but I do think that there are certain social norms that most people follow and this bride ahas gone against the grain. To not invite a fiance of a member of your wedding party IS going against etiquette norms.

I can’t wait for the update, just to find out what the deal is!

Post # 34
Member
683 posts
Busy bee

While I personally think it’s rude- we have all seen the ‘slashing guest list’ threads. Do you think maybe they have a size/budget contraint and are doing the ‘only married couples’ rule?

I mean, it’s awkward- but it’s a possibility.

Post # 35
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Plus ones are always tough to figure out, but I always thought it was universal that once a couple gets engaged, they get treated as a social “unit” and you can’t invite one without the other.  I think now a days, most people extend that to living together, too, but the fact that you’re engaged should really seal the deal!  To me, unless there’s some kind of abuse/felony/serious mental illness, you have to invite the FI/spouse.  Either you like one person enough to invite their FI/spouse, even if you don’t care for them or know them that well, or you dislike one person enough that you don’t invite either of them.  These people made a lifetime commitment to each other, and by not treating them as a unit, the host’s are disrespecting that bond.  It’s not just about how they feel about the partner, it’s about respecting your friend’s choices, and not trivializing or ignoring that commitment.

If it is a very very tiny wedding like @Bunny22 suggested, then they should have at least acknowledged that it’s a weird situation and explained it to you and your Fiance, instead of just letting you find out via the invitation.  Definately have your Fiance double check and make sure this wasn’t a mistake…

Post # 36
Member
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Yeah, let me clarify my comment – I think its definitely worth looking into this considering they gave no explanation. It very well could be a mistake. And because its a social norm to invite engaged couples as a unit, the polite thing to do on their part would be to provide some kind of explanation as to why you didn’t get an invite, if it turns out you really aren’t invited.

All I was trying to say in my earlier comment is that you don’t know right now why you didn’t get an invitation, so try not to assume the worst of them. I’m really glad, in the end, that I took the high road and didn’t make a big fuss about not being invited to the wedding my Fiance was a best man in. They only invited about 30 people to the wedding, as that was the limit in their tiny venue. The wedding was four months ago and they STILL have family members and friends that won’t speak to them because of not being invited. It does suck for people who wanted to be a part of it, but they also had the right to have the small, intimate wedding they always dreamed of. All this said – this totally might not be the same situation that your friends are dealing with, but its worth it to find out whats going on before getting too upset.

Post # 37
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Last summer my fiance’s sister and brother each got married. Of course he was in the wedding, as was our daughter as a flower girl in each…but funny, I was never invited? So you’re not the only one. At least they aren’t family!!

Post # 38
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

that is totally rude. we gave everyone a plus one (even people we KNEW are single and wouldnt be bringing a date…we wanted to give them the OPTION just in case.)

i would confront them about that, it could have been an honest mistake. perhaps someone else prepared that invitation for her, not realizing that she would need to include you on the invitation

that is totally rude.  maybe they feel that because he is the in the bridal party, that he doesnt need to bring a guest? (which is dumb, because you are practically his wife, a package deal already!!)

Post # 39
Member
695 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I can totally relate to struggling over the guest list, however, in my opinion, that is flat out unacceptable and rude of them. If someone is engaged/married, I can’t see a legit reason to not invite their fiance/spouse.

The reverse situation happened to me last fall. I was invited (by myself) to a friend’s wedding. She has met my Fiance several times and knows we’re engaged and living together, so I felt very offended. Additionally, I would’ve had to fly across the entire country to attend her wedding, where I wouldn’t really know anyone, all by myself. It made me feel like she didn’t even really want me there. I would’ve been less offended if she just had not invited me. On top of it, I sent a gift and never got a thank you note. Needless to say, I don’t consider her a very close friend these days…

Post # 40
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’ve been in the reverse situation – I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man for a (former) friend’s wedding some years ago, and she asked me if my (then) Boyfriend or Best Friend was able to come – we had been dating for over 4 years and were in the process of moving in together. I told her he probably could not make it but it would depend on his schedule. Well, she sent the invitation to me and did not include him anywhere on the RSVP. I came to find out later (a month before her wedding) that she told Boyfriend or Best Friend (who is now my FI) that I was “easy” and not worth his time dating at the beginning of our relationship. Needless to say, that was the most awkward and painful wedding I had ever attended, made worse by the fact that Fiance wasn’t there.

Additional drama is not needed to be added to a wedding… if you are still not invited after inquiring about a possible mistake, then I wouldn’t worry about continuing any friendship with them.

Post # 41
Member
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Any update honeybear?

Post # 42
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Same thing happened to me last month! I was really excited to go to a “mutual” friends wedding but the invite only said his name…weird. She knows we are engaged and living together and we used to hang out a lot in college (which was less than 2 years ago).

Fiance thought i was being crazy by saying I wasn’t going, and that it would be like crashing.

It was just weird and I am all sorts of confused. I’m just going to let it go. She and her husband (whom I never met) will be invited to ours because its rude to invite her and not her husband. 🙂

Post # 43
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

i kinda agree with @farmersdaughter.  as much as it sucks and it may hurt your feelings you should really avoid making any judgements until your fiance talks to them.  i was inviting to a wedding that my fiance was not.  i made a point to ask when i got my invite in the mail since only my name was on it and i wanted to make sure.  she explained that since they were trying to keep the guest list small only i was invited.  it hurt my feelings, i’ll admit that, esp since i am making a point to include engaged couples at my wedding but i totally understand where she is coming from.  times are tough right now.  and the number one way to cut costs is to trim the guest list.  luckily, she called me a week ago and told me since they had gotten several more declines than expected that they would be happy to have my fiance.  

i guess what i’m trying to say is ask the friends in a polite non-threatening way.  but be understanding.  planning a wedding is hard and the guest list is always such a sticky subject.  just remember, the wedding is essentially about that couple getting married…not you getting invited or your plus one.

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