Post # 1
When I first met my FH’s family I remember thinking they were really nice and a great family. During our first two years of dating I feel like I had a pretty good relationship with them. I wasn’t super close by any means but I felt comfortable around them and thought that they liked me. Now it’s completely diffrent, to the point that I honestly hate having to interact with them. They never do anything straight up hostile but they more or less act like I don’t exist. They’ll say hi if I say hi but trying to talk to them is like talking to a wall. There was even a time I came over to the family house and shortly after I arrived everyone left to their individual homes/rooms and me and my FH were left alone in the living room. I have no idea what happend and I can’t imagine I’ve done something to offend EVERYONE. The worst part is my FH blames me for the state of my relationship with them, he says I don’t do enough to get to know them but how can I get to know people who leave the room when show up to their house?? How do I get him to see it’s them and not me? I don’t know what to do or if I should do anything. I just know it’s not normal and I’m starting to really not like his family at all. Has anyone else dealt with this??
Post # 2
It sounds like they liked you but now they don’t because you’re getting married? Do they disaprove of the marriage? It does seem weird that a change happened so suddenly…
But your FI should not be blaming you. He should believe you and support you. He should be trying to smooth things over on your behalf if there are any issues. Problems like this tend to escalate upon marriage. Is he not going to have your back then? That isn’t a good pattern for the start of a marriage.
So I would focus on getting in one accord with him and deal with the in laws later.
Post # 3
futuremrsdaniellebell : We dated for 3+ years before the engagement, I feel like if they did disapprove it would have come up sometime before now. You’re absolutely right, FI and I need to be on the same page but I guess I’m finding it hard to get him to undersand that what’s going on is not my doing, they can do no wrong in his eyes. I need to figure that out.
Post # 4
Wow, if you cannot depend on your FI to have your back, who can you depend on? I think this is a MAJOR issue that needs to be worked out prior to marriage.
Post # 5
echomomm : I completely and totally agree. I just don’t know how to make him see that it’s an issue and that his family is being weird. If they all leave when we’re over, he’ll say oh they just had things to do. If I try to start a conversation and get short responses, he’ll say oh so and so is tired. He literally doesn’t see it the way that I do.
Post # 6
Mine went from being a potential second set of parents to just plain crazy. They said and did some hurtful things leading up to the wedding and then went back to being normal right after. We were seriously baffled. DH never made excuses for them but then again he often didn’t notice the backhanded comments. Once he did, he started standing up for me. As other bees mentioned, your FI needs to have your back.
Post # 7
Mine aren’t turning on me persay, but they ARE showing their true colors. Everything was always super formal and they were always very polite and kind to me while we were dating. Since we got engaged I’ve seen them fight with each other at the dinner table, FFIL gets wasted every time we see him, FMIL basically tolerates him snapping at her all the time and sometimes she snaps right back. It almost seems like the future in-laws have turned on their own son rather than on me. I definitely would’ve questioned dating someone who came from this kind of a family, and honestly sometimes I still do. The one biggest reason that I’ve stayed is because my fiance is very good about learning to build good habits. It’s incredibly frustrating- to the point where we’ve basically been avoiding them now.
Post # 8
This is happening to me but FI is on my side. I’m sorry yours isn’t, that’s a big red flag.
Post # 9
- Wedding: Esplanade Lakes Ballroom, Downers Grove IL
This is sort of happening to me right now, but I think that’s more because my Future In-Laws are not from this country so there are a certain set of cultural expectations that magically appear out of nowhere on how to interact with family/in laws after engagement/marriage that weren’t there before. Personally, mine was triggered by a phone conversation and follow up text that I didn’t even realize was rude until I got a staged intervention from FI and his family. But now we are slowly patching up.
Can you think of anything (even any little thing) that could have been miscommunicated recently between you and them? Or is there information that they know that you don’t? I’m sorry this is happening to you 🙁
Post # 10
clairhuxtable : I want to echo what a lot of PPs have said here; your FH should be on your side.
Regardless if you are imagining it, or blowing it out of proportion, he should have a default attitude that the two of you are a team, and you deserve the benefit of the doubt. I think that is a much bigger issue than whatever weird way his family may be acting.
My first step would be to try and tell FH how much it hurts you that he isn’t taking your concerns more seriously. Tell him it’s important to you that you have a good relationship with his family and you need his support to make that happen.
I’d also follow that up by asking him what he thinks you could do to make an overture that might mend fences between you and the family. It’s possible if he realizes you’re willing to make an effort, he might feel less need to defend them against you. Also, asking him for tips might help you avoid some of the family politics that are always a little hard to see for a newcomer.
Hopefully if you frame it in these terms, he’ll feel able to offer some advice, and it might also prompt him to look more closely and pick up on some of the things you’re seeing that he hasn’t.
Sorry this is happening. People are weird.
Post # 11
This kind of happened to me but I kind of forced DH to marry me and his parents knew that. So I think that was the main reason for them sort of turning on me.
I really felt they didn’t like me for a long time after we got engaged and married. I think his dad was constantly trying to get him to break our engagement but of course DH refused. DH always had my back though and tried his best to smooth things over but yeah it was awkward for a while.
Things turned around after we had our first kid (their only grandchild). Man where they nice to me after that!! I think they thought if they weren’t I wouldn’t let them see their only grandchild. Btw I wouldn’t have ever done that but it’s nice that they were scared of that. Ha.
Hopefully things turn around! I’m kind of mad for you that your FH isn’t doing more to smooth things over!! I would demand that now.
For me I was fine that they didn’t like me, all that mattered was DH and I and our relationship. I was happy with that.