Post # 16
To me feminism means you have the choice. Yes it’s screwy that women were expected to take their husband’s names for so long (and still are in many circles) and the tradition behind that is even more f’ed up. But not changing your name only because you think changing it is ‘not feminist’ as has been suggested on this thread just limits your choices and leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth… Like those who shame women who chose to be stay-at-home-moms in the name of feminism… I’m not into that. It’s like trading one opression for another.
I didn’t change my name… but I might in the future. I use it sometimes socially and it makes me feel good to share a name with my husband and to be recognized as of the same family in a very obvious way. At the end of the day I know I have a choice and that’s the more important part to me.
Post # 17
notmeeither : I’m a teacher and I’ve taught several children who share their last name with mom, not dad. I’ve always thought that was so cool! It definitely sends a message right out of the gates that counters a lot of the norms the child will encounter in the world. I love it!
Post # 18
I changed mine to my hubbys after deliberating about it. I didnt ask hubby to take mine but I know he would have refused.
I find people making up a new last name to be very interesting. My grandparents made up a new surname during WW2 for various reasons, and I guess because of that I always found it to be a bit of a sad kind of thing?
I guess it also represents a fresh start though. And if either of you aren’t close with your family or don’t like either names then it could make sense too.
Post # 19
Would also just like to point out that feminisim is about respecting women’s ability and right to make choices for themselves.
Chosing to change your name is just as valid a choice as choosing not to. So can we pleased stop implying (or saying) that women who chose to take their husband’s names are somehow not feminists.
Post # 20
I only have a problem with men absolutel opposed to changing their name while expecting women to do it.
Otherwise, personal choice. Althougu it <i>is</i> weird that so many personal choices happen to align with sexist tradition.
Post # 21
pinkglasses : getting married in itself can be seen as a sexist tradition.
I class myself as a femanist because I believe strongly that women are capable of doing anything they choose to do. I believe that women have the ability to make decsions about their lives and bodies without needing a man to ‘explain it to them’ or ‘help them’.
I am glad I live in this age where I have so much more freedom and ability to make decisions about my life than either my mum or grandmothers had.
I say this as a woman who took her husband’s name and is planning to be a Stay-At-Home Mom after this baby is born. I have made those decisions because I wanted to do that, my husband would have supported either way.
Post # 22
Twizbe : marriage has nothing inherently sexist, it depends on how the two partners make it work. The belief that a woman ought to give up her name while a man shouldn’t do it is inherently sexist. Expecting your wife to take your name while you would never do the opposite because you’re the man is inherently sexist.
I’m not saying people change their name out of conscious sexist attitudes. But such a difference between the sexes on who usually changes their name doesn’t stem from genetics, it stems from culture.
Obviously I’m talking about large numbers, not a specific person’s experience.
Post # 23
If a majority of women end up changing their name, and very few men ever choose the change their own name, how much of a “choice” is it really?
Post # 24
wonderwedding : Yes, exactly!
Of course feminism is about making choices for yourself. However, if you choose the thing that aligns with sexist traditions, is that because it’s what you really want or because you have been conditioned by culture your entire life to want it?
For me personally, we are too close to the sexist traditions not being a choice for me to want to choose them, even if I like the idea. When someone makes the choice to change their name, all people see is the name change. They don’t see how carefully the person considered the options and did their best to make an informed choice that was right for them. The public just sees someone who went along with tradition. So until society catches up and things become truly equal, I’m going to have a hard time choosing the more traditional option.
Post # 25
thefuturedrat : I look forward to the day when the default question people ask an engaged couple is “are either of you changing your name?” rather than asking the woman if she is changing hers. I mean, let’s be honest, the fact that most people these days do ask at all, thereby acknowledging that it is a choice in the first place, is a step up from the days when it was just assumed that the woman would, but we have further to go 🙂
Of course, it will be even better when the question doesn’t even get asked at all – sort of like the kid thing. Does anyone really need to know that badly? The couple will share their decisions when they choose to share them.
Post # 26
Not me personally, but I know a couple that the man took the woman’s last name. The reasoning behind it was because his last name was an offense term for children born out of wedlock, and they had children before they got married. They all share her last name now.
Post # 27
My friend (a guy) took his wife’s last name, purely to escape his last name and the god-awful father he has. A new identity kinda thing. Plus, her name is WAY cooler lol
Post # 28
It was critical to me that anything we do be equal – either both of us change, or neither. There was no universe in which I would have changed or hyphenated alone.
It was meaningful for my husband that we have the same name at the end of it all.
That meant either picking a new name or joint hyphenating. He did seriously consider just changing to my name (not equal, but at least counter-patriarchal), but ultimately decided it would create too much family blowback with his older relatives.
We ended up both hyphenating. He gained 10 letters and 3 syllables. 😛 I’ve *always* had to spell my name, slowly. Now he has to too! It’s kind of great. My experience has barely changed, honestly, as my name was a bit difficult to begin with, and now it’s just slightly more difficult.
I’m not going to lie, every time I see his full (new) name, or hear him correct someone’s spelling or mispronuncation, my heart flutters. I love-love-love his commitment to the name – it feels like such a powerful commitment to me, to who I am, and to what I believe strongly in.
We don’t apologize for an instant for the length of our name. I actually love it. I’m damn sure he and I are the only people with that name in the world.
Post # 29
- Wedding: June 2020 - Black Mountain Lodge at Arapahoe Basin
We originally discussed keeping our last names, but it was important to my fiance that we had the same last name. He actually considered taking my last name, but my dad has the same first name as him, so he preferred not to match his Father-In-Law, which I understood. After discussion, we decided to mash up our names and both take a new last name when we get married. It’ll take us both a little bit to get used to, but we are excited to start the process since one of us will be offically changing our name legally before we technically get married since you can’t change to a brand new name in Colorado just upon marriage. Good luck with your decision!