Post # 1
The question posted about how many sexual partners got me thinking. According to the poll, it looks like a lot of our FI’s have slept with under 5 people. Is/has anyone ever been nervous about the fact that their Fiance has not slept with many people? Does it make you worry that he hasn’t “sown his wild oats” and is maybe curious about experiencing other women?
I ask because I know my boyfriend in college, who I dated for 4 years, was a virgin when we started dating. It made me kind of nervous, and he did in fact end up cheating on me by sleeping with another girl. We ended up staying together for a while after that, but I always felt like I needed to be with a guy who got sex with other women “out of their system” and was ready to settle down. Thoughts?
Post # 3
Tulip, this was part of what I was getting at in my response to the Sexual Partners question. Although, I do not think that less sexual experience means your SO is more likely to cheat, I think it’s nice to have experince under your belt and KNOW that what you share together is special.
Post # 4
Yes and no. I wonder if sometimes this will manifest after decades of marriage and opportunity knocks. I personally know that after my prior relationships, I learned to value the myriad of characteristics Mr. Tacos has over sexual attraction with anyone else. It’s so rare, especially based on my dating and prior relationship experience, to have someone like I do despite our differences.
Mr. Tacos is quite a bit more thoughtful than the “average man” often depicted in western culture, so I don’t necessarily think he would act without really considering loyalty. I’ve always been very vocal with him about telling me if anything was wrong or if he’d like to be with someone else. I would never fault him for it, and would appreciate the honesty.
But will I always keep an ear turned and my eyes open? Absolutely. It has less to do with him than it does my own insecurities. Once bitten, twice shy. And all the more capable of detecting. 😉
Post # 5
@tacos…”Once bitten, twice shy” LOVE that!
For me, I got extremely lucky that…convieniently enough, my SO and I have had the same amount of sexual parters…and as silly as it may be, this DOES make me rest easier.
I am a very trusting person, especially because my SO is a very faithful person who has been hurt more then he has hurt. I am not saying that I am not going to always be aware, pay attention and be protective of my love, my family, myself…but for the most part, I’m not too jealous. I trust my SO competely (just not all women, ha)
Post # 6
The whole concept of Sowing oats makes me gag!
It is not nessisary. it is something that is all mental (mindset and lifestyle) and definatly not a need.
My Fiance is a virgin and in no way does he want to sleep around or feel like he missed out by not sleeping around. And I completly trust him.
Its a myth that guys use as a “good” excuse. …
Post # 7
I don’t put too much stock in “conventional wisdom” such as sowing of the oats. Some guys do it, some don’t. Just because they didn’t do so doesn’t mean that there is some drive in them that will eventually need to be satisfied. I think it was coined more as a way to explain away the actions of those who did.
My Fiance did not. He didn’t even have his first girlfriend till college. He was too busy with sports and helping his parents on the farm to care about girls. Then, after that girlfriend cheated on him, he just did not really pursue the matter. I had to ask him out.
The other side of that would be the notion that a guy who has sown wild oats will be hard to tie down. I mean, there is a cliche for every view!
Post # 8
After seeing that poll, I think women are just as inclined to “sow wild oats” as men! I can’t imagine having six or a dozen sexual partners, but that’s just who I am. It always depends on the person, I suppose.
My SO is a good, faithful man. His relative “lack of experience” is irrelevant, and I find the suggestion that he might cheat on me because he wants sex with different people rather offensive.
Post # 9
How about the women who haven’t slept with a lot of men? Do you feel like you’ve missed out?
I think we are so quick to assume our men’s wants/desires/expectations are so different than our own as women. We’re more alike than different.
And, just for what it’s worth: I’ve slept with more men than my FH has slept with women. But he and I will only be with each other fromt his point on, regardless of that fact.
Post # 10
I think there is truth to the “sewing wild oats” idea. I know personally, that I am glad that my Fiance wasn’t my only partner. There was no weird experimenting, there was no “I wonder if he/she will like this?”, we both came into it mature, no second guessing, and very happy. I’m not saying that every person we were with before each other was some wonderful learning experience (some were just mistakes) but, the ones that did mean something, made us who we are today, and I love the guy I’m getting married to.
And, thank goodness for those girls he hooked up with before, because now I can be happy and don’t have to train him. 😉
Post # 11
This goes along with a statement that I have heard over the radio that “All men have cheated at one point in their life”…
I think that is a bunch of BULL. Not every man or woman for that fact is a cheater. Some just weren’t built that way and have much respect for whomever they are with whether the relationship is good or bad. Both my hubs and I have NEVER cheated on a bf/gf. There are just some things that we truly believe in and loyalty is at the top of our list when it comes to our SOs. I always believed that if I had the “urge” (which I never did) to cheat then it’s really not worth my time being with that individual.
Post # 12
I hate the thought that men are expected to “sow their oats” Its ridiculous! Just because society has made it acceptable for men to have dozens of partners doesn’t make it right, or right for every man. My bf has had 4 partners including me. Im very comfortable with that number but I would never be with someone with dozens on partners. I have heard some pretty wild numbers from guys out there (like in the 100’s) and it makes me really sad for them. They are obviously trying to fill some void with sex when you have that many partners.
Post # 13
i think it’s a good thing that some do! I’m glad mine has a little bit, haha. We are both pretty young to be getting married (26, 29) and a lot more oats could have been sewn, but I think as long as both parties are open with each other, one person could fulfill all of those needs no problem.
Post # 14
We both sowed our oats, or whatever you want to call it. I can’t imagine NOT having those experiences. They made me who I am and I truly value Fiance in comparison to them. Not everyone needs them, but that’s the path that brought me to him and I won’t judge if someone else’s path is different.
Post # 15
It is actually a great source of confidence for me that we both have a lot of experience, sexually and in relationships. We love eachother like crazy, but we both have lived long enough to know that love is not enough. On top of the love, we also know that we are a good fit. That knowledge is based on experience. That’s just a really good feeling.
Post # 16
I don’t think having fewer partners makes someone more inclined to cheat, but I do think it can contribute to doubts that someone has in a relationship. When you haven’t dated a lot of people, you can wonder if there’s something better out there. Like maybe you’ve only dated one type of guy/girl but if you had dated another type maybe you would like it more. My mom always told me she wished she had dated more guys, that she loved my dad but she wished she had a better idea of what a “normal” relationship is. They are still married after 35 years, so that didn’t cause divorce, but it was a regret she had.
I don’t know that the same applies to having sex. I mean, you don’t have to date to have sex, and sex doesn’t really vary between people. What feels good is good and what doesn’t is bad. That’s a pretty easy concept. I don’t think you have to have lots of sex to know what is good for you personally.
My Darling Husband and I don’t talk about previous relationships (well we do, but not as its own conversation topic). We’ve never talked about how many people we’ve dated or anything else. We know that we are content with what we have and that’s all that we think matters.