(Closed) Has snooping on FI/DH ever led to trouble?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think snooping always eventualy leads to finding things your partner wasnt ready for you to find right away and thus causes trouble… in your case I guess like you said he really hasnt committed to anything yet and probably wanted to know more about it before telling you so that he had all his facts down.

Post # 4
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

this is exactly why you shouldn’t snoop.

Post # 5
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

He says in the e-mail that he’s gonna ask you, and like you said he hasn’t committed to anything yet–so don’t punish him for this. It’s not right. Who knows, he could be just throwing it out there but not seriously thinking about it, or seriously thinking about it and waiting for the right time to bring it up. But you won’t know unless you talk about it! Tell him what you found and how you found it–it will be difficult but you’ll feel much better once you talk about it I bet.

I agree with @bells, snooping can lead to so much miscommunication besides being a trust violation. It’s so much easier to have everything out in the open! 

Post # 7
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

Yup. At the very beginning of our relationship.  He had just moved to my city and ended a three year relationship (like I met him about 2 weeks later).  About 3 weeks after I met him, he had left his email up, and I noticed there was an email from his ex.  I opened it and read it.  I felt guilty as I was reading it.  I actually told him I did it because I didn’t want to hide anything from him, and we talked about why I felt the need to read it (being insecure about how recently he got out of a relationship, whether there were still feelings, etc.).  He was really angry though. And the email was completely harmless, so it was all much ado about nothing. Luckily, he still wanted to see me, and I will never snoop again.

Post # 8
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Snooping in general never leads to anything good. You can ruin good surprises by finding out about them before you should have, or you can read things that you have no context to and take the wrong way, which is what this situation sounds like. Your husband mentioned having to talk to you first, so maybe he meant he’d ask your opinion and if you weren’t okay with it, he wouldn’t host them, which he is of course not going to tell other men because men make fun of each other for stuff like that. So now you’re mad when he probably was never even planning on having them stay unless you were okay with it.

Post # 9
Member
843 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Well, in my opinion, I don’t know why you’re mad.  He hasn’t committed to anything.  He stated he still had to talk with you.  It’s probably something that popped into his head and he wanted to get more information before bringing it to you. 

This is why I don’t snoop.

Post # 10
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Yeah that is definitely snooping.  Like eavesdroppers, snoopers rarely find things that make them happy.  Since he clearly stated in his messages that he needed to check with you, just wait until he brings it up and then make your concerns known. Which, if you had not snooped, would have happened anyway, and you would not have made yourself sick with worry.

Keep it in mind next time you have the urge to snoop.

Post # 11
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

Last time I snooped I found out my he was planning a suprise birthday party for me with all my friends at my favorite place in the city 🙁 What a bummer. I put on my surprise face, and never let on that I knew anything….but my God I felt so guilty.

Post # 12
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Yes, about 3 years ago while we were still just dating I went onto his facebook (I didnt log on, it was already open on our shared computer to his messages section) and saw that he had been messaging with an old fling of his. Things were rocky with us at the time so this was just terrible. He had messaged with her a couple of times and it was really inappropriate. We almost broke up over it but we were able to work through it. Even though I shouldnt have snooped Im glad that I did.

In your case – I dont think you have a right to be mad at him just yet. Its interesting that you see it the way you do. If that were my husband I would think he was very thoughtful to offer to share our home with people. While I might not agree with the idea (we would talk about how it would affect our lives) I dont think I would jump to getting mad at him right away. He didnt invite them and never ask you and have them just show up at the door- he is planning to ask you. And when he does, just express to him your feelings at that point. There isn’t a need to be upset!

Post # 14
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

@roxy821: Well I think you know your husband best so tell him how you feel if you are uncomfortable with it. If I was snooping and found something I probably wouldnt lie to my husband about it. He might be upset with me for snooping but I like to have everyhting out in the open.

Post # 15
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I found out about my Fiance buying an engagement ring like this. Though I still didn’t know when it would happen but I knew it was coming soon.

I can’t tell if it was a bad thing or a good thing that I found this out. I was relatively serene after this news. I wasn’t feeling any anxiety about when/if we will ever get married, etc. So in my case, it did work out well.

You on the other hand should not make a fuss about this. He is doing everything right, girl! He is intending to discuss this with you first before he can give them any kind of answer. Yet, he needs to first know if they would even be interested in staying over BEFORE he asks you. He doesn’t want to bring it up to you if he isn’t even sure that they have any interest in staying over. KWIM?

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