(Closed) Has the idea of whether or not your FI/DH will ever cheat on you cross your mind

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

We leave the lines open. Sexual attraction can be totally separate from emotional attraction, Fiance and I both feel and agree on this. I trust that he would never get involved with someone he had more than just a sexual attraction to. Other than that, if he wants to sleep with someone and thats all it is, fine. And vice versa. It’s very freeing.

I never worry that he’ll sleep with someone and fall in love with them, because if it happens then it is meant to and there is nothing I could have done about it anyways.

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View original reply
@megbon12 said… why worry about things you can’t control? If it happens, cross the bridge at that point.

Post # 18
Member
3135 posts
Sugar bee

I worry about it.

You would think I wouldn’t since my FI’s first marriage broke up because his ex cheated on him while he was away with the military with a mutual friend of theirs. Not just once, but she had a full blown affair and actually just bought a house with him (using money my Fiance had to give her so she would let him have the house and the dog).

But….

He goes away with work a lot and while away he did something at a bar one night while drunk that was found out by me with some pretty decent proof.  It was only emotional cheating but has opened up the ‘flood gates’ of paranoia for cheating.  He says that almost losing me over that incident has scared him “straight” and that it, or anything worse will never happen.

We’ve gone to therapy together, I’ve gone alone and basically what it ended up being is me being told that I either trust him now, or I don’t.  There is nothing I can do to change what will be.  Even with this advice, I am still worried about it. 

For instance, my Fiance will go on a one week vacation otherwise known as “decompression” which is mandatory for soldiers coming home from a deployment.  On these vacation weeks the troups go insane. Hookers, booze and cheating galore.  I am ALREADY constantly fearing this week and I wonder what the hell will happen.

I hate that I feel this way and this deployment is hard enough.

I wish I never found out about the emotional cheating because once the cheating fear is instilled in someone, I really wonder… can it ever truly go away?

 

Post # 19
Member
4160 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It’s crossed my mind, but it comes in and goes out.  FI has never done anything to make me think he would cheat on me and I’m not worried even a tiny bit that he would ever cheat.  I trust him 100% and if he DID cheat, it would be the surprise of a lifetime to everyone we know.  He’s just not that kind of guy!

Post # 20
Member
4108 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I never worry about it, I trust him completely. He is completely  honest about everything & has been cheated on (and severely scarred by it) in the past. We both pretty much look down on cheaters….

Post # 21
Member
15072 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Not really.  He’s been cheated on so he knows how it feels. We’ve talked about cheating before and he’s told me he’s never cheated on any of his x gfs.  I do believe he is a loyal person and trust him 100%. 

Post # 22
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

It has crossed my mind since I was cheated on before, but I try to trust Fiance as much as I can. I don’t check his emails, phone, or computer and he does not check mine. The day I have reason to do this is the day that I stop trusting him.

Post # 23
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I try not to think about it. As far as I know, nobody has cheated on me before…Still, I get jealous and insecure sometimes. I see it as MY issue, not his.

 

When we first met I told him he could be free to do as he wished but just be prepared to suffer the consequences of his actions. He got the meaning behind that.

 

I’m jealous of his past. His previous wife/Fi got more of his time and energy than I get and even though circumstances change, I sometimes wish that I was the one who went on those trips or hikes, or whatever….I’m not jealous of the women themselves…just of the time they shared.

Post # 24
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

View original reply
@ribbons I’m a big fan of Dan Savage’s harshly realistic perspectives on love and sex.

Yeah, I’ve thought about it. Who hasn’t? I think it would depend on the circumstances. If he cheated while we were happy, I’d be a lot more upset than if he cheated while we were having problems. And I still don’t know whether I would leave him or not. Just because he strays doesn’t mean I should have to lose a husband.

When I found out that my mom stayed with my dad through a few affairs, I couldn’t believe it. When I asked her why, she looked at me like I was stupid and needed an explanation with small words. “Because,” she said, “marriage is forever. You don’t agree to stay married just as long as everything is perfect. You get married to be married! If you’ve got problems, you work them out. You don’t throw the marriage in the trash.” I really admire her for her commitment, even when it was painful for her. I hope that I would deal with a cheating spouse in the same way.

 

(PS: ScottSouth, I know you’re reading this. This isn’t license for you to cheat, friend!)

Post # 25
Member
3135 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@SandyDollHair

You are SO not alone in that!

I was severely jealous of those same things and more of my FI’s ex wife. Plus we live in the house they bought together, so it’s kind of a daily reminder.  Plus I feel that she was better at all that stuff since she is in the Army too and I am a bit of a fashionista.  (Not that I’m afraid to break a nail, but I’m the type to fix that manicure the next convenient moment :P)

It is subsiding a whole heck of a lot, but surfaces every now and again.  but its really hard and I feel your angst. ((hugs))

Post # 26
Member
5217 posts
Bee Keeper

It crossed my mind early on in our dating/talking phase… only because I knew he had been with a lot more women than I had men and I worried about it early on. I know that I can trust him, and I know that he is an extremely faithful man… and if he wanted to be with those other women then he would have stayed with them!

We have both been cheated on… so we both know how deep that hurt runs.

Post # 27
Member
2312 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It is a possibility, in every relationship, with every person, that one in the couple can cheat. We ALL have the choice to do that- there is nothing physically keeping any of us from cheating on our SO/spouse. We trust they won’t do it, and we try to keep the relationship happy and fulfilling so that there would or should never be a reason for it to happen. But we all have to accept that we can’t know every minute of how they spend their time, every phone call or email or text they send, every conversation they ever have. Do I think my husband has the character that would lead him to cheat? Not really. Do I understand that I could be surprised one day and find out he HAS cheated? Sure. 

IMO, complacency is what leads to cheating. In all aspects of the relationship. You stop caring enough to talk to one another, to pay attention to one another, to have sex, whatever. You become too complacent and stop treating one anothe as spouses and more as roommates, or coworkers, or business partners running a house together. That disconnect is what leads to cheating; if you’re not getting satisfaction at home, you’ll find it somewhere else. If you try and foster those areas, and work hard to make sure you don’t get too complacent in your relationship, you have a better shot of never being cheated on (and never feeling the need to cheat). But the complacency, the “I don’t have to put in the effort anymore; what’s the point, I know he/she’d never cheat anyway” is the first step toward creating the possibility of infidelity occurring. 

Post # 27
Member
2312 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It is a possibility, in every relationship, with every person, that one in the couple can cheat. We ALL have the choice to do that- there is nothing physically keeping any of us from cheating on our SO/spouse. We trust they won’t do it, and we try to keep the relationship happy and fulfilling so that there would or should never be a reason for it to happen. But we all have to accept that we can’t know every minute of how they spend their time, every phone call or email or text they send, every conversation they ever have. Do I think my husband has the character that would lead him to cheat? Not really. Do I understand that I could be surprised one day and find out he HAS cheated? Sure. 

IMO, complacency is what leads to cheating. In all aspects of the relationship. You stop caring enough to talk to one another, to pay attention to one another, to have sex, whatever. You become too complacent and stop treating one anothe as spouses and more as roommates, or coworkers, or business partners running a house together. That disconnect is what leads to cheating; if you’re not getting satisfaction at home, you’ll find it somewhere else. If you try and foster those areas, and work hard to make sure you don’t get too complacent in your relationship, you have a better shot of never being cheated on (and never feeling the need to cheat). But the complacency, the “I don’t have to put in the effort anymore; what’s the point, I know he/she’d never cheat anyway” is the first step toward creating the possibility of infidelity occurring. 

Post # 28
Member
10713 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

My ex Fiance cheated on me and it broke me down to a point where I question everyone because let’s face it everyone lies. I trust my Fiance but with my past and with getting an anonymous email saying he was cheating on me the day we got engaged it does cross my mind a lot. That email was most likely from my ex trying to stir trouble but it still planted a seed in my mind that will always be there. 

Post # 29
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think it’s smart to watch for signs – weird behavior, etc., but I wouldn’t have married him if I thought he’d ever do that.  He’s a good man and I’m very lucky. BUT, we both work HARD at our relationship and care about whether we make it.  That’s important. 

Post # 30
Member
13094 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I don’t worry about.  I trust him fully and he trusts me.  IMO, you can’t live your life worrying about things that might happen.  You’ll drive yourself crazy with the wondering and “what ifs”.

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