Has this ever happened to You? What would you do?

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.  For me that would be a dealbreaker. 

 

The fact that his solution is just to get a divorce if he decides he doesn’t want children in the future is the most worrying, he could decide in 5 years that it’s not for him and you’ve wasted years with him.

 

I would make it clear that if he isn’t willing to commit to definitely having children with you one day (it wouldn’t have to be now!) then you’re not willing to wait around to find out.

Post # 3
Member
9527 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i’m sorry you are dealing with this.  you guys need to sit down and have a serious discussion. and if he decides he doesn’t want children, you need to decide if that is a deal breaker for you.

Post # 4
Member
9067 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
missmagnificent :  I always wanted children and not wanting kids would be a deal breaker for me. He needs to give you a straight answer so you can decide if it is more important to be married to him or more important to have kids. There is no right or wrong answer, but he does need to stop with the “maybe” – what if he “maybes” you for another 10 years?! 

Post # 5
Member
7553 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Your husband is treating this topic as casually as if it were a discussion about whether to eat out or stay in for dinner tonight. “Meh I dunno maybe but maybe not and I can’t tell you when i’ll know” – just no. Whether to have kids or not is a huge issue in a marriage, and he doesn’t get to just string you on for years while he avoids the topic. It’s also messed up that he already put the divorce card on the table; the way he said that just seems so cold and callous. 

It’s time for some soul searching OP and an eventual come to Jesus talk with your husband. You have to decide whether you really would be okay giving up your dream of having a family for this man. Personally I couldn’t do it; not only is the idea of a family too important to me, but I’d also become extremely resentful over the years that my partner hadn’t been more honest with me from the get go about his ambivalence on the subject of kids. This is something couples should hash out early in the relationship, certainly before getting engaged and definitely before marriage, and your husband is instead just casually dropping this huge bomb on you that he may never want kids after you’re married like it’s nbd, and after he previously led you to believe he did want them. That’s really messed up, selfish, and downright reckless. 

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I hope you get some clarity on what you really want and are able to have a productive conversation with your husband. The good news is you’re still young, so whatever happens at least you have a good number of years before your bio clock would probably catch up to you. 

Post # 6
Member
3298 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
missmagnificent :  Let me preface this by,  I don’t want kids, not even sure I like them.  However you do, so *deal breaker*. Are you willing to possibly miss out on your dream of being a mom? If so, then stay with him…  If not, seriously start making plans to separate ..   Just  as he had no problem telling you he has changed his mind (although I suspect he never wanted them but was previously hoping he would in the far off future), you should directly tell him that this is a non negotiable for you…

Post # 7
Member
2027 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I also agree that you need to have  a come to Jesus talk because having kids or not in a marriage is a big deal. It’s not like being bf/gf and choosing to just break up. The fact that he led you in prior to marriage and is now changing his mind is not fair at all. Also, the way he threw out divorce sounds so hurtful like he doesn’t even care and kinda has already given you the answer that he DOESN’T  want kids. I can’t relate exactly to your situation but my husband and I both didn’t want kids prior to marriage but then we got married and started saving for a housr and I started picturing us having a child. We had already accomplished everything we wanted which was me finishing college/starting career, getting married, and buying a house. So then my husband got on board because he was really scared before but now he’s excited and we both talk about what we hope our life will be like with a child. Does your husband have any specific things he would like to accomplish? Do YOU have any? Whether it’s separately or together as a couple because that’s what held my husband and I back.  I think when you know your life isn’t where you want it to be it’s more difficult to picture adding someone else to that. 

Post # 9
Member
3233 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Yes something similar did happen to me in my former marriage. My ex was undecided for years about having kids, which was a big reason that we spent a long long time dating before getting married. We would fight about it when it came up, then would drop the issue for like 2 years because the rest of the relationship was so good. (This was when we were mid 20s, so pretty young and not wanting kids right away anyway.) Finally I told him that I wanted children and that ideally I would like them with him, but if he didn’t want to have kids, he needed to come to that decision and tell me, so that I could move on. He decided he DID want kids and marriage and we got married, quite happily. He would talk about our future kids happily.

We had what I thought was a reasonable and agreed upon timeline – a year or so after the wedding, when I was 32, starting trying. Well that came and went and he was not ready. Part of the rationale was reasonable for sure, but he just unilaterally decided we couldn’t yet and wouldn’t give me a different timeline. It just KILLED the marriage for me! After all that time, all that waffling, then finally all the seemingly excitement about kids – and when push came to shove, nope, still wasn’t ready. 

I ended up pulling the plug on the marriage for that and other reasons. I now have a partner who genuinely wants children, who is willing and excited to talk about specifics and timelines and realities of it. I am 4 months pregnant and we are both thrilled. 

MY ADVICE – give him a timeline for deciding. It’s not fair for him to string you along like this. He gets 6 months, or a year, or whatever to decide whether he wants kids. If he doesn’t and you do, it will be very hard to stay in your marriage. There are so many great guys out there who want to be daddies. This is a completely reasonable marriage deal-breaker, as hard and sad as that is.

Oh and I was 35 when we started trying and got pregnant easily. Nearly all women in their early to mid 30s will get pregnant in 6-12 months, if not much much faster. You will have plenty of time, no matter what you decide!

Post # 10
Member
651 posts
Busy bee

After reading his remarks, especially the divorce one… he has no long term plans with you… including staying married. No one “plans divorce” for the future if nothing is wrong. Who would even throw that on the table before discussing a compromise?

This isn’t good. There is nothing wrong with no wanting kids or wanting. But the way he talks about it and throws divorce around… is a very bad sign.

Post # 11
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee

You need to be conpletely honest with yourself and figure out if you can live and be happy even without children in your future.  Do not make this decision based on how much you love your H right now because feelings can change.  

I’ll give you some examples of people in my life who were faced with this dilemma and how their loves unfolded years down the road.  I have a good friend whose been with her Destination Wedding for almost 20 years now.  After they got married, her partner decided that she never wants any children while my friend loves children and believed she would be a mother some day.  But after much thought and consideration, my friend decided that she could still live a happy fulfilled life even without having any of her own biological children and stayed married being child free.  But to honor her “maternal” nature, my friend did a lot of volunteer work with troubled/orphaned children and even became an advocate of children in trouble with the law to help them get back on track.  Now that they are well into their 50s and my friend has no regrets over her decision to never have children because to her, she is very fulfilled in having helped so many kids throughout her life in ways she never could have if she had her own kids.  She feels she has been a mother to the children who have been abandoned by their own parents and society, and is so grateful she was able to help so many kids who needed love.

On the flip side, I have a relative who became child free because her first husband decided he never wanted children once they got married, and because she loved him, she sacrificed her dreams of being a mother and stayed married to him.  Unfortunately, after over 15 years together their relationship didn’t work out and they got divorced, and suddenly my relative found herself single and childless at over 40.  She is now happily remarried to her 2nd husband, but because they were both older (she already started her menopause when they met) the topic of whether or not to have children never came up (they are CFBC).  For all my life while growing up, she has always exclaimed how happy she was to be CFBC and that she never regrets her decision.  But recently, now that she has reached her retirement age and life is slowing down for her, she sees all her friends with children having grandchildren etc., she is currently having huge regrets and is completely broken over the fact that she never had them.  When I last spoke with her, she told me if she could live her life again she would tell her younger self to never sacrifice her heart’s desires for a man or to put a relationship over who you really are.  Because my relative was so in love with her first husband and decided their relationship was the most important thing to her, she thought she could convince herself she could be happy never being a mother even though she really wanted children.  But now that she has reached the last part of her life, she is so sad because she realizes too late that it wasn’t her career or anything else that was the most important to her, but rather having a family and being a mother.  And she feels much sadness and pain because she feels she never honored her true heart’s desires and gave up her dreams of having a big family for a man she ended being divorced from anyways.  

I think the biggest learning we can take away from these two people is, you have to know yourself.  If you can still be happy never having your own kids but still can meet your maternal needs in other creative ways, then this marriage is something you guys can still work out.  But if you are honest with yourself and having your own children is very important to you, than you have to really think about this marriage because it’s not fair to either of you to stay stuck together when you have such different goals in life.  

Lots of hugs OP, this is not an easy decision.

Post # 12
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee

Edit:  FYi  it’s supposed to say “Dear Wife” not Destination Wedding

Post # 13
Member
3298 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

op he actually said you can *DIVORCE* him in the future if he decides no kids?! 6 years in,  that’s ALL you need to know.  He’s really ok with splitting up with you.  I’m sorry but it’s pointless to wait and hope. Even if you foolishly give up your dream, it’s likely you’ll end you divorced down the road. I would see an attorney asap.

Post # 14
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee

Erm

You need to reconsider whether you want to be with a man who throws the divorce card so casually.

Post # 15
Member
6170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

This is a solid reason for an annulment. He led you to believe that he wanted children and has lied to you. 

I’d be out by this point. If my husband ever said that we can get a divorce if I wanted children, then I’d call his bluff and contact a divorce lawyer. You’re still young and have your entire life ahead of you. You deserve better.

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