Has this ever happened to You? What would you do?

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Kids and divorce aside, it sounds like he either lied to you or mislead you about something major and then went ahead and married you even though he knew he was doing that (or he oversold his willingness to have kids and has changed his mind, but is too uncomfortable to have that discussion with you). My guess is he’s blowing it off like that because on some level he knows it’s serious, but acknowledging that would mean facing it and all that it means. 

I would ask him about going to a session of counseling with you to discuss it a bit more openly and on even footing with someone who can insure that some good communication occurs. I think that his response to that would give you a good idea of where he is in regards to his relationship with you.

Post # 17
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

To me, your husband’s comments mean that he doesn’t see kids as a must-have in his life but MAYBE he will be willing to have them -if you (or anything else) provides good reason for them. Simly put, there is no reason for him to have kids now or in the future; he is NOT motivated by your same reasons to have kids and chances are he might never have them (or will have them when he enters his mid-life crisis and, by then, TTC will be more stressful than hopeful).

I do believe that if you want kids that much and he is unable to give you a straightforward answer after so many years together (and knowing how important this is for you), you need to start considering if this is a dealbreaker for you. It is clearly a dealbreaker for him, but because the situation hasn’t arise yet he isn’t pulling out any cards.

His uncertainty goes beyond just not being sure at the moment. For comparison, I do not want kids but could potentially change my mind if X, Y and Z factors are met; my Darling Husband knows this 100%, and he doesn’t want kids either but might if A, Y, and X happen. At this moment, we are both a solid NO, but we will revisit the issue after our thirties. We are also in agreement that if we happen to change our mind in our forties (because humans do change their mind) we would consider adopting. But, you see?, we have discussed all possible escenarios and communicate where we are standing and what could change our minds. Judging by your post, your partner is just going with the flow which for me translates to; Don’t want kids but I guess it is what society expects from me, so maybe?

Post # 18
Member
4126 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think people need to slow down that he intentionally lied to you. This is a major decision, and people change their minds. It’s not outside the realm of possibility to think that he assumed he’d have kids (because most people assume they will), but as he’s gotten older and more mature has realized maybe it’s not the right path for him. I get that it’s hurtful and frustrating, but dude’s allowed to change his mind, and better he TELL you than just continue to let you believe that it’s what he wants when he doesn’t.

I think you need to really thinking about what will make you happy: staying with him and never having kids, or finding someone else and having them. Don’t try to talk him into it. At best it sounds like he’d be an uninvolved parent, and that’s a recipe for resentment.

 

 

Post # 19
Member
2659 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Ooof. “He even said one day if I want children that bad and he ends up not wanting them, we can divorce and I can marry someone who wants that.” That is rough OP. I haven’t read any of the other comments, I just wanted to say I am so sorry he said that to you, up until that part of your story I was just getting a “he has cold feet about kids” vibe, but then, wham! Sucker punch to your marriage in one sentence. I would be tempted to bring that one sentence up again and have a discussion just on that. Reiterate that you chose him for life and that’s what you meant and that life included having children together and raising them as a devoted family. I think you all need to sit down and make a plan, set an ideal date or age when you would want to TTC, and every now and then (every 6 months or every year) revisit the plan to be sure you’re still on the same page. Good luck OP!

Post # 20
Member
208 posts
Helper bee

Is this a dealbreaker for you? You said that you would want to stay with him whether you have kids or not – do you mean that you’d stay with him but be heartbroken and resent him for the rest of your life? Or do you mean that being with him is the most important thing, and you’re ok with making sacrifices to achieve that?

In my situation, I would prefer to have kids but it’s not a dealbreaker for me. If my fiance told me that he didn’t want kids, or he wasn’t sure, or he thought maybe later, any of those would be ok with me. But from your reaction, it sounds like that kind of answer is NOT ok with you, which makes me think that you actually do really want kids. So I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you really want.

Post # 21
Member
2417 posts
Buzzing bee

None of us can know if he intentionally lied to you or if his feelings have slowly changed on the subject.

However, I would seriously be considering divorce if my Fi EVER said anything to the effect of “it’s ok, we can just get divorced” to me.

Like, WTF?!?!? How LITTLE does he value you and the marriage to say something like that to you???

Post # 22
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think you need to picture your life in 15 years and 30 years and imagine how you would feel if you never had children. If you can imagine being fulfilled and happy and not resentful without children, then I think this is impasse is not a major one. Only you can determine if this is a dealbreaker.

When Darling Husband and I were dating, he was ambivalent about children, so I broke up with him. Kids were important to me and though I loved him, I knew my life could be happy with someone else but I couldn’t feel complete in my life without children. We ended up getting back together after we both did some soul-searching, we got married, and we’re thrilled to be expecting our second child now. If he’s throwing out divorce casually as a option if you aren’t able to reach an agreement, I would take that very seriously. 

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