Post # 1
My SO and I both post on a message board having to do with a common interest of ours. I am one of the few females that post on there.
The men on there can be pretty inappropriate. I admit I bring part of it on myself because I am pretty feisty and blunt, and will often get into debates with them. I enjoy the site most of the time but sometimes they lash out with degrading comments, insults about my looks, or remarks about my SO and I’s relationship (they know we’re together). I’ll admit, it does hurt my feelings sometimes.
My SO never sticks up for me when this happens. He is not a confrontational person and doesn’t like drama, but every so often it would be nice if he would stand up for me to these guys. I have talked to him about it before and he tells me that if I’d just ignore them, they’d stop and that him saying anything will just add fuel to the fire. He also said “They’re just guys on the internet, they don’t even matter in real life.”
I just know if he were being treated that way, I wouldn’t be able to take it. And while I know it’s just a message board, it’d be nice to know he has my back. I’ve never encountered anything like this “in real life” with him, so I’m not sure how he would react otherwise.
Some of you will probably tell me I should just quit posting on the other board. And honestly, I probably should but like I said, it’s a major interest of mine and I enjoy the board most of the time.
Would it bother you if your SO didn’t stick up for you in this instance? Or should I just let it be? He fulfills my needs in every other way and we have a great relationship. I’m very happy with him but this one area gets to me.
Post # 3
In real life? Yeah I’d be pissed if he didn’t stick up for me. On a message board? No. It will likely just add unnecessary fuel to the fire.
Post # 4
Words on a screen can be ignored, I don’t see how interfering would solve this particular problem and in real life, when I find myself confronted by someone with some venom for me, I’m sure Mr. 99 would come to my aid, if only I gave him the time to do so….I take care of myself.
Post # 5
I think it’s only appropriate if people don’t know the two of you are married. Otherwise you just replace one problem with another, as taking up for you too much and too often might just make him look “whipped” if the people on the boards are really that immature.
Post # 6
In real life, we stick up for each other if we’ve been unjustly injured. My Fiance is actually a lot better at that than I am – I tend to be really forgiving, but he’s like a mama bear – if someone hurts me, he will definitely take a big swipe back at them. But we also both believe that we fight our own battles. When Fiance gets into it with somebody on a messageboard, I’m definitely not jumping in to defend him, and vice versa. If I started it on my own, I can finish it on my own.
Post # 7
Its the internet; I don’t think it really matters. IRL I’d hope that he’d behave differently!
DH has definitely stood up for me on multiple occasions; definitely when the snarkiness or rudeness stemmed from his mother!
Post # 8
Him “white knighting” you isn’t going to solve anything at all. It will just paint a target onto both of you. I’m sorry, but I don’t agree with petty arguments on the internet. People are way too quick to be cruel. And FAR too many people come online simply to release their aggression and nastiness onto the first victim they can find. I recommend that you don’t put yourself in a position to be the victim. Those people don’t really know you and have no reason to be considerate of your feelings except for basic human kindness – which they apparently lack.
Post # 9
Thanks, all. I appreciate the feedback and realize I’m probably overreacting.
I would like to add that sometimes the insults are in a thread/conversation he is involved in and/or directed at him (about me), so it’s not as if he would just be coming out of nowhere to “save the day”. And it’s a very small board. There are probably 50 of us total and we all know one another as posters pretty well, so these also aren’t just random dudes.
And I don’t want him to take care of me or finish an argument for me or anything. I can hold my own and that’s why I’m still on this paritcular board. But it would just be nice if he would have my back every so often. But you guys (and him) are right. It would just put a bigger target on both of us.
Post # 10
Having your SO stick up for you all the time isn’t always as great as it sounds. My Fiance is a serial over protector and it really drives me nuts sometimes! If someone starts to get physical/make threats or is really getting out of hand then I feel SO should step in but, if it’s just boring old insults, then I can handle myself.
Post # 11
I agree with your SO in just letting it go. It’s just online people. I mean we are all people but they are not a part of your actual life and what’s him saying anything to these people going to do? It wont make them stop but will only continue the argument. It will escalate and nothing will be solved.
I wondered if my Fiance would stand up for me before since he’s so non confrontational. When we go out to bars and such and I get hit on he just walks away with me. We’ve even left because of some creep before. I wondered if he was avoiding standing up for me or trying to show me respect because he knows I as well don’t like confrontation and violence.
Well it was my second guess. Time would tell. His buddy had sent me a message a couple years ago along the lines of “Hey sexy what you doin tonight?” and we just ignored it thinking perhaps he was drunk or just being his not so bright self. Well a year or so later he sends another message to me along the lines of “Hey foxy lady” and followed it up with some not so subtle comments. By this point Fiance got upset. He wrote back and they got into an argument and he cut off all communication with this guy. This guy has been my FIs friend since middle school. I’ve tried to tell him to forgive the guy but he wont. I don’t want to be the reason the two friends stop being friends but I’m not, his friend is.
I don’t know about you but I despise violence and confrontation and my Fiance has known this since day 1, and after his argument with his friend he and I talked and he’s been careful not to say things to others out of respect for me because he knows it’s not something I want to be around. But if it came down to it he would be there for me.
I’m guessing if it came down to it your SO would be there for you too.
Post # 12
Not always. My SO has full faith that I can fight my own battles. However, if he sees someone get a little handsy or a little physical with me, he’s at my back in a second. It’s the perfect mix of trust, independence, and protection.
Post # 13
Gawd my Fiance would be really upset if I made him go in and fight with his forumn. He’s pretty amazed at the b*fests I get in on here. He would prefer, 1. ignore the people who are obviously trolling or 2. leave the board for our own sanity.
In real life he would have my back no matter what. Internet life, he’d probably get on and annoy himself by sticking up for me on the internet. But IMO it’s just a waste of energy.
Post # 14
@mollz0621: This reminds me of a board tigerdroppings that my Fiance spends hours and hours on. THey are really harsh to the women and it only makes it worse when a guy knights for her..
I hope my Fiance would stand up for me in a real-life situation, it just hasn’t come to that yet.
Post # 15
he does it all the time. but i agree with PP’s: it would definitely add fuel to the fire if it’s an online issue. online things are so not worth worrying over.
Post # 16
my fiance would stick up for me no matter what. there has been two occasions where we have been at a bar and men have made advances on me when he wasnt around (getting another drink or using the restroom) and i had to stop him from hitting them lol. there have been a couple discussions here on weddingbee where things have started to get heated, and he always asks if he can get on my account and give them a piece of his mind. he is always looking out for me and i wouldn’t have it any other way, he’s like my prince charming 🙂