Post # 47
Its seems this is an issue everyone has differing views on, which is why it needs to be discussed within the couple. Expectations need to be stated clearly so the couple can be on the same page. When I say things like, “I’m lucky my Fiance doesn’t like the strip club scene,” I am not saying I am lucky because I think its bad for everyone and that anyone who has a lap dance is a cheater. What I mean is that I am lucky because we both have the same opinion of it, hence there is no issue between us about it.
I also don’t like saying “Boys will be boys.” You get coerced into going to a strip club, fine. Sucks to be you. But you don’t NEED to pay for or accept a lap dance. I don’t mind my Fiance going to a strip club, because I do consider that to be mostly harmless entertainment (not MY kind of entertainment, but yes, entertainment for many). The lap dance is more personal, not to the stripper (I understand she could care less, good for her) but for the customer. As thecolorteale said, there is no reason for a married or engaged man to be having a naked or half-naked woman anywhere near him. That is where I personally draw the line. I realize there are some who see no problem with this, and that’s fine, for them. But once again, its just personal views and values. You can’t apply your personal values to everyone else. But your life partner needs to share most of the major ones with you.
As for worrying about my fiance cheating if he goes to a strip club and has a lap dance, really that has nothing to do with it. I already consider the lap dance over the line of being faithful, he knows this. So technically he did “cheat.” But more importantly than that, I am not thinking “Oh he had a lap dance. Now he is gonna go sleep with her.” I am not thinking that at all. I simply see a lap dance as inappropriate behavior for a married/engaged man/woman. That is just my own opinion. So trusting my fiance or not is not really why I have a problem with the lap dance. I appreciate that men can get a lap dance and have no intention of cheating on their partner. I just think… well in the first place if you have a partner, there is no need to get a lap dance.
I think we’re all in seperate camps on this. Its a very personal issue, I guess!
Post # 48
I think Mrs. Spring has the greatest advice and stayed on topic, lol. A lot of us have strayed, myself included.
Give yourself a little more time to cool off and think about what would be the best way to set up NEW boundaries. I’m sure he feels awful; had he known it would indeed hurt you, he would have likely found a way to avoid it, whether saying ‘no’ or being very up front with the guys that a lap dance was over the line (or the strip club in general, you know what I mean). Ignoring him and not talking to him won’t help your relationship, and Mrs. Spring is right, maybe letting him talk to him and/or reading his letter (email?) will help you feel better.
I think most of all, you are surprised by YOUR feelings regarding the whole thing. You’ve been blindsided by yourself!
Once you figure out where you stand on the whole matter (besides it being gross, I mean, really determining what you are and are not okay with for the future, including that he should contact you at least a little during the trip away), sit down with your Fiance and have a chat about WHY it was hurtful, even though you were surprised to know so. Maybe deep down you’ve always hoped he’d never go? And that now you are disappointed b/c you wanted him to do the “right” thing even though he never knew? I did this once and this is a stupid analogy, but I told Darling Husband how stupid I thought Valentines Day was, and then was sad and hurt he didn’t even get me a card. well, this was like, 3 years ago, and we had a fight over it, and now he knows I appreciate a card, but not necessarily dinner =]. Good luck! Definitely read his letter and do some thinking
Post # 49
runrgurl you really shouldn’t feel like it’s your fault this happened. Because it’s not. You didn’t tell him to not call the whole weekend. And you didn’t tell him to get a lap dance.
I feel that he’s the one who knew what was going to happen during the weekend. HE should’ve brought it up to you. And I also feel that he should’ve had the common sense to call you. And shown you some respect by not having a naked or almost naked woman all over him.
Don’t start feeling like it’s your fault because it’s not. I’m going to bet that you didn’t say “Have a good time, don’t bother calling and have fun with the strippers all over you.” So why would it be your fault?
Post # 50
@heathaah: Totally agree! Nobody would be okay with us dancing naked on a guy! I am so happy as well that my Fiance thinks this stuff is disgusting and would never want to hurt me like that!
Post # 51
I am a stripper myself and you all may judge me but I wanted to weigh in. Im not a bad person, im a wife, a mother, and i am down to earth. I do what i do because im good at it, of couse the $, and because the flexibility of the job works well in my life. There is much naivety on this thread and I can tell you first hand that a strip club is 90% of the time not an innocent past time. If anyone is truly concerned or panicked I do not mind speaking with you about any questions or worries you harbor. Email me at [email protected] Ill be glad to help you deal in any way I can. It does weigh heavily on your mind and heart when you fear the unknown. But be forewarned ….I do not sugarcoat the truth to put anyone at ease. I’m blunt an honest as its the best way to successfully help someone.