(Closed) Hate to Post This

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee

I am glad you are both in counseling together…. Stay there, stay in your marriage and keep going when the tough gets hard. I feel for your husband, him finding that note must be doing a number on him emotionally. Imagine if YOU found a note like that and he didn’t mention it. 

Post # 18
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m sorry this is happening to you. Serious marital problems are never easy and facing other people’s judgment makes it even harder. I just wanted to let you know that separation can be a really good thing for your marriage. My husband and I separated 3 months ago and we are now making plans to get back together. Separation gave both of us a chance to work on ourselves outside of the relationship and figure out what we really need from a spouse. We were also able to overcome some of our preconceived ideas about how marriage is supposed to be in order to accept a marriage that may be better for each of us. I really hope the separation can help you and your husband too.

Post # 19
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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@This Time Round:  I also suggest that if you haven’t already, that you cut all ties with men outside of your marriage as one-on-one friends… the only men in your married life should be your Hubby and men who are attached and part of another couple that you guys socialize with.

I’m with 

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@sept22insf, no one should have to lose their friends just because they’re married.  I have tons of guy friends and there is nothing sexual or romantic about our friendships.  Just because some people can’t be around someone without wanting to take their pants off doesn’t mean every girl has to drop every guy in her life as soon as there’s a ring on her finger.  Some advice from the past is good, but this is just an antiquated and sexist way of thinking.  

OP, I think your husband is being ridiculous.  Yes, you could have told him about the email, but you responded appropriately and it wasn’t a big deal– I don’t even think you should be given all this flack about “yes, you should have told him…” because it’s just not a big deal!  If I’d found that email from my DH, I would have said “thanks for taking care of it, now what should we make for dinner?”– your husband is instead being manipulative and controlling, I wouldn’t stand for that treatment either.  

Also I can’t believe the “he’s not beating you, he’s just a little jealous” advice.  That’s ridiculous.  Abuse comes in all forms and checking your emails and demanding to know where you are at all times is approaching emotional abuse. 

Post # 20
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I do think, if your husband wasn’t on the crazy train and you were both committed to saving this marriage, that you should just file this incident away concerning your friendship.  If it never resurfaces, then no worries, but if it keeps happening, it could be worth examining whether the friendship is mutually platonic or too much hassle. (I’d give a good friend a free pass if they were really drunk, but if they kept waxing poetic about their feelings for me, I’d drop the friendship as they weren’t really a good friend anyway to keep doing that to me!)

You seem like the one working to save the marriage, while he isn’t putting the counseling to work.  I think a more concrete discussion is in order in which you say “either you change by next month or I’m leaving because I’ve been nothing but faithful to you and don’t deserve this abuse.”

Post # 21
Member
9967 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@This Time Round:  +1.   Perfect advice.  As always.

Post # 22
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@This Time Round:  You really gloss over the fact that her husband was reading her emails to begin with. That screams controlling to me – he has no respect for her privacy. 

Post # 23
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Those bees who are defending his actions– do you tell your husbands every time someone flirts with you?  Would you be okay being mentally beaten down and berated every time you tried to go out?  Say someone hit on you in the grocery store and your DH decided this means you never get to go to the grocery store again, is that acceptable?  

Because these are all superficial solutions.  Keeping tabs on someone, checking their email, and not letting them go out certain places doesn’t prevent cheating.  Trusting someone, loving someone, and having a strong marriage does prevent cheating.  I can’t believe how many people support this blatant mental and emotional abuse.  OP, please find some support in your life!

Post # 24
Member
5427 posts
Bee Keeper

Why did you keep the emails? Why not delete them forever? If you dealt with it, such as told the other guy to never contact you again, you should have at least deleted the emails… I don’t see any benefit in keeping them unless there is something going on.

Post # 26
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@This Time Round:   You keep commenting as though sexual attraction is an automatic disqualifier for having a friendship. Why? I don’t know anyone who has sex with every person they’re attracted to, and neither do you. I’m sexually attracted to many of my male friends but there are many reasons why nothing will ever happen, starting with my Fiance and their SOs and ending with how they chew their food or how they comb their hair.

The OP’s friend crossed the line, for sure, but that doesn’t mean all male friends would, or do. 

Post # 27
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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@MrsShayona:  Good luck, I think you’re making the right choice.  You shouldn’t be with someone abusive.  Perhaps the separation will help him see what his actions have done, or perhaps this event showed you his true colors.  Either way, I wish you the best!

Post # 28
Member
5427 posts
Bee Keeper

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@MrsShayona:  Ah, I see, so he looked in your trash bin? Now that is “snooping” on his part. And he can’t understand that you don’t want anything more to do with him? He has to go to counselling for HIM, he needs to learn to trust and let go. Hope it all works out for you and take it easy! XOXO

Post # 29
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

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@bookworm88:  That’s a little silly since OP says that her friend was talking about sexual things he would like to do with her. That goes a little beyond someone flirting with you at the grocery store. I agree that her husband is totally in the wrong with his behavior and needs counseling, but lets not minimalize things.

I also have a very hard time believing that your totally platonic friend got drunk then out of nowhere starting telling you all of these sexual things he wanted to do to you. Sounds to me like there had to have been previous signs that he was interested or flirty. Being hurt does crazy things to people and I don’t believe in giving up on vows because someone doesn’t trust you. I think you should leave for a while yet make him aware that if he goes to counseling and works on his behavior that you will support him and the marriage. 🙂 good luck

Post # 30
Member
2819 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I have no advice, but I’m sorry you have to go through this. I hope everything works out for you in the end.

Post # 31
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

View original reply
@cupcakeFL:  I think it’s a little silly to say a wife can’t have a male friend, so I was trying to go to their level of extremes. 

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