(Closed) Hate to Post This

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
702 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Iowa

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@This Time Round:  Agreed. I have male friends, and while I don’t consider them ‘best friends’ if one ever emailed me anything like what you received, my fiance would be the first to know about it. You never should’ve kept it from him so he had a reason to not trust you 100%.

Is it so bad to let him know where you are going, with whom, and when you’ll be back? My fiance always knows what I’m doing and I don’t consider that controlling; I like to know where he is also, and not because I don’t trust him.

I’m assuming there is a lot more than we know of right now that you’re crying when you are home with him. It almost sounds like you don’t want to be with him period/don’t love him anymore? Do you go to any counseling on your own?

EDIT- Just Read your 2nd comment; hopefully everything works out for you and he can work on his personal issues so that you two can un-seperate. Best of luck.

Post # 33
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

OP, how do you react when he gets angry with you?  If you react by crying and denying whatever it is he’s upset about, that might not be the best way to deal with him.  I know that my fiance and I had to learn to fight with each other — we had to learn how to argue, and then not be mad anymore.  Part of that is that I know I have to listen to him, and let him talk and talk and talk, and then if I feel he has hurt my feelings or has said something I find objectionable, I say something like, “When you say…it makes me feel that…”  I do this with personal conversations as well as political ones…and he REALLY hears me now.  

I am not saying it is right to have him yell at you all the time, but you DID betray his trust. 

 

Also…I like how everyone is like, OMG HE WAS READING YOUR EMAILS?!?!?!!? When a girl says, “Tee hee I was snooping and I found!!!!” everyone is like, oh yeah that’s normal.  

Post # 34
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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@peachacid:  I don’t condone snooping regardless of gender?  I think it’s a breach of trust and immature.

Post # 35
Member
7368 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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@Erin418: &
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@bookworm88:     Thank you. ITA with you both.

OP I wish you luck with this situation. Where I can understand him feeling insecure, if he isn’t doing anything proactively to resolve this, then I agree with your taking a break. Hopefully it will inspire him to make necessary changes.

Post # 36
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m sorry you are dealing with this OP. You did break your FI’s trust by not telling him, but as someone else said; two wrongs do not make a right. He can not hold his reaction over something you did over your head for the rest of your life. What kind of life is that?

No one should ever dread or be scared to come home, to be a few minutes late or to go shopping with a friend. That is usually how abuse ( both physical and mental) starts. The abuser finds a fault or a slight against them and uses that as ammunition to keeping punishing the abused. It can be confusing because while yes, the abused did do something that was wrong it doesn’t warrant the reaction they get. He is justified in being upset, but only for so long. How long can you stay married to someone who is actively choosing to be angry? You either have to chose to work on the issue or acknowledge you can not move past it. He has no right to hold you emotionally hostage regardless of whatever you may have done. 

And please disregard the whole ” Men and women can not be friends”. That is the one poster’s OPINION and just because she states it as fact and she is 50 years old  and whatever else does not make it a truth.  

Post # 37
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I have to disagree with some of the posters. If it was one of our bees and she had found a sexually explicit  email from a female friend to her Fiance or DH she would be livid. If she said her Fiance was huffy because she was calling him on his behavior we would be telling her that he is brushing off her feelings and that he doesnt really care about her. We would be telling her, that she needs to set boundaries with her Fiance or DH and that keeping a woman around who obviously didnt respect their marriage is a bad idea because it breeds distrust.

Granted no one should be afraid to come home to someone but you stepped it in when you didnt share the email with him. Also it doesnt sound like you cut off contact with your friend who sent you the explicit email. You just agreed to never speak of it again.

Bees if a woman had sent your Fiance or DH an explicit sexual email and he didnt show it to you and just agreed never to speak of it again you would be mad as hell.  You would be wondering why he didnt confide in you and you would also be wondering why he is still friends with someone who obviously didnt respect your relationship enough not to do something like that.

If your DH wasnt like this before the email and he is still upset then you should validate his feelings and see his point of view. You didnt show him the email so he has to wonder what your hiding.

I would be jumping through hoops to make sure he knew where my loyalties lie. He would know where I was at, who i was with and he would never have to question that I might be meeting this so called friend who sent the email. I bet he worries about that.

You created this situation by not telling him and it sounds like after a few months you dont want to take your lumps. Well coming from being in an abusive relationship myself, I can tell you that even the most caring loving person would be hard pressed to forgive something such as that.

Anger is an emotion associated with betrayal. If you have nothing to hide then why do you care if he looks at your email. If you have nothing to hide why do you care if he has to know where your at.

If he didnt dump a female who sent him an email and didnt tell you, you would be doing the same thing.

To

Post # 38
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

How long is she supposed to “take her lumps,” though?

Post # 39
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

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@annifer:  How long would it take you to forgive and forget and get over your DH or Fiance receiving a sexually explicit email from a friend and then not telling you about it. How long would it take you to get over being mad that he didnt dump this friend and just agreed not to speak of it again?

Post # 42
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

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@MrsShayona:  Then good luck to you. Getting trust back is hard. I hope you find your happiness.

Post # 43
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@sept22insf:  I agree with all of this. I have a lot of male friends that there has been ZERO sexual attraction with on either of our parts. I’m not attracted to every single guy I meet, and vice versa I’m not egotistical enough to think every guy I meet is attracted to me, so why should I write them all off as friends? Some people you just don’t connect with on a sexual level, there’s no reason to not be friends with them because of their gender, that’s kind of silly to me. 

OP, I would’ve told my husband about the email, and definitely DROPPED that friend, but because you didn’t doesn’t mean you deserve control and manipulation. Making you feel guilty so that you stay is emotional blackmail and it’s wrong. Not to mention the fact that he must’ve been searching through your emails in the first place to find it which is yet another controlling behavior. It definitely sounds like he has some serious self esteem issues, but until he helps himself I don’t think couples counseling is going to do any good at all. 

Post # 44
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@MrsShayona:  I am so, so sorry. This sounds horrible to go through.  Do you have a plan to leave?  Is there someone you can stay with?  Have you researched the divorce laws for your state?

My advice is to move most of your stuff out while he is away on a day trip or something.  When he gets back, tell him – and have someone there when you do.  You never know how someone will react to that sort of news.

Post # 45
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013
Post # 46
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@MrsShayona:  That’s just crazy.  I have a friend who went through a similar situation, and though her husband promised he would go to therapy, and that he would seek help, he never did.  They officially ended things about a year ago — and she is so much happier.

Have you tried counting to ten before responding to him?  Like, literally pause for ten seconds…and then talk.  Use “I statements” and all that jazz.  I’m not saying you are responsible for his behavior at all, but you are in control of how you react to him…

 

 

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