(Closed) Hate to Post This

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

OP, I don’t think you need to “get your husband’s trust back”, I think HE needs to sort himself out. I don’t think you did anything that wrong — I’d prefer to have been told, if I were your husband, but I don’t think it’s an omg huge betrayal of trust either considering you dropped the friend. And it really bothers me that he’s trying to manipulate you into going back to him by threatening to kill himself. Feelings shouldn’t be used as weapons.

Good luck, I hope everything works out for you.

Post # 48
Member
5427 posts
Bee Keeper

Even now, the texts I am getting are “I’m going to kill myself unless you come back. I can’t live without you. I am cleaning my gun now” Etc. 

OMG this is emotional blackmail and I would have to wonder if this is what I want in a spouse? Threatening to kill oneself is a total no-no in my book. This guy is not marriage material until he gets some counselling for his problems… and that my dear will take years…

Post # 49
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@hobbitsvselves:  Most of this.

I personally wouldn’t have told my SO about the email either. I’ve had similar situations happen and like you, I confronted my friend and re-drew the lines in the sand. If they weren’t able to respect those lines, then they weren’t really my friends and I stopped contacting them. I don’t see anything wrong with how you handled the situation.

But I do agree that him manipulating you to come back to you through pity is not the way to go. My best friend’s husband tried to do this and I told her that if she was trully concerned that he would hurt himself, then she needed to call the police and get them involved. You are not a professional and if he really does have feelings that could result in him hurting himself, then you need to call the police so that they can get him the help he needs. I really hate when people play this card because suicide is very real and very sad.

I’m really sorry that you are going through this. *hugs*

Post # 50
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t want to comment on what he did was wrong or what you did was wrong. What I will comment on is your statement that he’s been borderline controlling since you got married. It’s a sad situation when a spouse’s behavior changes after your vows which means to me they’ve been controling/hiding them until the I do’s and for that the only thing that will help is counceling. If he’s threatening suicide if you don’t come back he’s emotionally blackmailing you. I don’t know if you’ve left the house or not but I think you need to stay with family or a friend until you can figure out what you want to do. I urge you to contact the councelor you’ve been seeing and tell them whats happening to get guidence.

Please keep updating.

Post # 51
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

View original reply
@TexasSpringBride:  I already said if my DH received a sexually explicit email from some friend, I’d say “thanks for taking care of that, what are we having for dinner?”  I would not be livid or upset with him because it’s not his fault! I don’t need to know about it because it in no way affects our relationship. 

OP, please know you’re making the right choices by getting away from this man and that there are other women out there who would do the exact same things you’ve done and are doing. 

 

Post # 52
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

I am a little disgusted by some of the comments regarding the OP’s post. Sure, she didn’t tell her husband about the explicit emails, but honestly, it sounds like she handled everything very well on her own and was not violating her husband’s trust (if anyone did, it was the dude who actually did the email sending). NO ONE should be implying that she deserves controlling behavior from her husband because she didn’t tell him about the emails, which she didn’t even respond to. Hec, I don’t know if I would tell my s.o. if a guy friend sent me an email like that. Some things are just better left unmentioned, especially when all spilling the beans would do is cause worry and anxiety when there is no need for either. Also, I imagine it’s a little traumatizing to have a good male friend send you an explicit love letter so unexpectedly. It would take me a while to process this craziness if it happened to me, let alone work up how to tell my s.o. about it. Why so much judgement? Whether she told him or not was her call, not any of yours, especially considering that she didn’t do anything wrong with this other man. Also, many of you neglected that he actively went through her emails, going as far as searching through her trash folder, when he had no need to be worried about her actions. NO ONE deserves that. There is no need to point out what you think she should have done, or what you think she did wrong, in a post like this. Sorry if this is rambling, I am just really upset to see other women attacking and judgeing another woman who is in need of support and good advice.

OP, I wish you luck and I hope that your husband is able to work through his issues and that you are able to heal.

Post # 53
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I feel strongly at giving your marraige your all when things are tough, however if you feel like you are being emotionally abused, you need to follow your gut and your heart.

It is so hard to come up with the right answer not knowing the two of you.. and i dont know if it is any easier finding the right answer KNOWING all of the information. Perhaps you should see your councellor alone, he/she knows what is going on and has context.. perhaps he could at least sort out how to approach this .

I am sorry if I repeated anything anyone else has said, I just skimmed the thread.

All the best luck!

 

Post # 55
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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@Alaric2012:  if you look by her name, her wedding date is in October 2011.

Post # 57
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

sexual emails with another man will never end well.  I hope you guys can work it out or find happiness in your separation.

Post # 58
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
@mixtapehearts:  

View original reply
@mixtapehearts:  Yes, this is not true. Yes, some platonic friends are physically attracted to each other but it doesn’t mean that they desire anything other than friendship or will ever act upon it.

Post # 60
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

It’s good that you called the police — you called his bluff, essentially.  Hopefully that will knock some sense into him…and it shows him that you’re serious.

 

I wish you the best!  I would contact some friends you had before…if they’re true friends, they’ll understand…at least eventually.  =) 

Post # 61
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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@MrsShayona:  you’re doing the right thing.  please see your counselor on your own and look up some support for women dealing with abuse– you’re not the only one this has happened to!  I wish I could give more concrete advice to help you but I’m not trained in this sort of thing and don’t want to give the wrong advice. please know I support you and you’re doing all the right things to get out of this and help both you and him!

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