(Closed) Hate to Post This

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 62
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3774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

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@This Time Round:  This!!!  100%  Your advice is spot on.

Post # 63
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1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@ttwo2:  +1

Post # 65
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3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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@MrsFuzzyFace:  so you think the OP should stay with a man who just threatened to kill himself to convince her to stay with him?  

Post # 66
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think the separation is a good idea, but i definitely think you shouldn’t think about signing papers until a lot more time has passed and you’re absolutely sure the two of you can’t work things out.I think you should stay in counseling. And when he acts out toward you, keep record of that. Write down when it happened, what he said, and what you said back. This will help the therapist. And don’t be afraid to get a different therapist if this one seems to not be working out for you two. Not every therapist is a good fit for every person.

I know things are tough right now, but you did vow to stay with him for better or for worse. Go ahead and separate if you want, but I wouldn’t want to divorce him until I knew with 100% certainty that there was no way it could possibly work out. And I don’t see that as being the case in your situation.  It sounds like he just needs to work on his self-esteem and confidence a bit (it sounds like he has depression issues), and you’re going to need to help him–because he isn’t going to be able to accomplish that very easily if he’s coming from a starting place of “my wife doesn’t care about me, so why should anyone else/why should I care about myself?”

If it still doesn’t work, sign the papers, but at least when you do, you will be able to leave saying you gave 110% and did everything you possibly could.

Post # 67
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3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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@EffieTrinket:  Same question I posed to MrsFuzzyFace– you really think the OP should stay with a man who emotionally and mentally abuses her and blackmails her to keep her with him?

Post # 68
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6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

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@bookworm88:  No, that’s why I encouraged the separation.  He needs to get his shit together.

Post # 69
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3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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@EffieTrinket:  right, but you say she shouldn’t divorce him until there’s a 100% chance that this marriage won’t work out– I just don’t see how attempted counseling, prolonged emotional abuse, and suicidal blackmail isn’t 100%. 

Post # 70
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6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

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@bookworm88:  Well, I see it this way: I’ve struggled on and off with depression my whole life. There have been times when I’ve acted almost as crazy as the husband is acting here due to me being taken off my medicine, being on the wrong medicine, or having the wrong dose.

I’ve acted that way, but that isn’t who I AM. Before I was diagnosed, I would lash out at people for no reason sometimes, and also do crazy things like call my friends and ask them why they were friends with me, and whether they actually liked me or were just pretending, and it would end with us getting in a fight because nothing they said was good enough to convince me and I kept needing more evidence. My therapist said that that sort of behavior (the lack of trust, thinking you’re not worth anything, being randomly angry for no reason) is pretty typical of people with chemical imbalance–meaning that I wasn’t depressed because of anything that had actually HAPPENED, but just because the stuff in my head was out of whack.

I’m really glad that the people around me didn’t completely abandon me during this time. Once I got my medication straight, I have had very few problems. If I start feeling sad, I have them adjust things, and I’ve always been able to catch it before it gets to that point again.

It sounds to me like what she is seeing from him are depression symptoms. And if that’s true, that’s exactly what they are: symptoms. The cheating email might have exacerbated these symptoms, but if what I am getting from this is correct, it was probably there before.  She needs to be away from him so that he can get his head straight and realize how badly he needs to fix his problems, and also for her emotional safety, but I think it would be a shame to throw away completely a marriage with a man she fell in love with over a problem that might be fixed with something as simple as taking a pill a day. It might not be that simple, but if it was me, I’d want to know.

OP, if you fear for your physical safety, obviously disregard everything I said. If he ever raises a hand to you or even threatens to do so, then get out and don’t look back. But my gut feeling is that there may be more going on with him, and that it may have less to do with OP than she/others think.

Post # 71
Member
5658 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@MrsShayona:  OY! He sounds downright insane at this point! Good call on taking time off to stay away from the facility, but it’s unfortunate that you have to do so. I get that people act out when they are hurt etc, but obviously this is not a recent thing and it sounds like he has exhibited these controlling behaviors for a long time if it has been severe enough that you have cut off ties to ALL your friends. 

This is no way to live a life, and marital vows or not, I don’t think that a person should ever stay in a situation that they feel is abusive just because of vows you said. Your life and happiness are still the most important thing, you should not sacrifice your life for his in my opinion. It’s one thing to go through a rough time and put yourself aside for your spouse, it’s another to allow them to abuse you because you said “for better or worse”.

Stay strong!

Post # 74
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@bookworm88:  Those bees who are defending his actions– do you tell your husbands every time someone flirts with you?  YES Would you be okay being mentally beaten down and berated every time you tried to go out?  I wouldn’t need to be because I have respect for my husband and I communicate where and when I will be back without him asking me. Say someone hit on you in the grocery store and your DH decided this means you never get to go to the grocery store again, is that acceptable? No but I would have no issue with him feeling that he should accompaning me to the place of the incident.

I am also in the camp that men and woman cannot be close friends. Men are wired differently and are not friends with woman they aren’t at some level attracted to.  I do not turn to male friends to chat with because I feel that is taking time and attention away from my husband. He should be the one I am sharing those things with. I see all this all the time with my best friend. She is friends with men and all of them sooner or later make it known they want in her pants and has to discontinue the relationship because it crosses the lines. While I can totally be friends with males and not have any attraction to them in a sexual or romantic way, I have seen in my 39 years that men do not feel the same.




Post # 75
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@MrsShayona:  If you don’t feel like you are in a safe and loving place then you need to get out of the relationship at least until he addresses help for himself and is stable again. *hugs to you*

Post # 76
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this and I do hope your ex DH will be OK and get the treatment and help he needs.

I would only add that in your next relationship, my advice would be to put an immediate halt to any male friendships in which the guy feels free to get drunk and send you sexy emails. Also too — if you do get emails like that in the future, rather than ignoring and and dropping it after the “friend” apologizes the next day, I would definitely tell DH what happened and how you handled it.

If I inadvertently discovered that my DH had received an inappropriate email like that from a a female “friend” — and that he said nothing about it to me — it would definitely make me feel insecure. It would also make me wonder what else he wasn’t telling me. I’m not excusing any of your ex-DH’s actions; it sounds like he is very disturbed and I think you should take steps to protect yourself and stay away from him.

Good luck, I’m sorry this happened to you.

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