(Closed) Hatred/Comparison of Exes Really Causing Issues :(

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mrs_pudding_pop:  Sounds like you have some self-esteem issues that are underlying it – like you’re not confident in yourself and you don’t trust his feelings for you. Maybe it would help you to talk to a professional to get to the root cause of these issues. 

Post # 4
Member
979 posts
Busy bee

The more you live in the past, the more it’s going to affect your future.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - rolling hills of southern italy

@mrs_pudding_pop:  wow. That’s not healthy. 

Also, why do you know so much about his exes? Books they got him into? Really? I have talked in length about a series of books my ex happened to have bought me, and it never once occurred to me that “hey, explaining the emotional link this series used yo have to my ex would really add to the conversation!” 

See what I mean? I get the plates and stuff, but the other stuff is over the top! Do you live in a tiny town with these people around all the time? is it feasible to just move forward and ignore the past and never speak of them again? Especially when something bothers you?

Post # 7
Member
3230 posts
Sugar bee

I suffer from bits and pieces of this but not as bad as you. Remember, he is with you because he loves you and picked you over them. Also, there are very good reasons why he is no longer with the others. I think it’s fine to be irrational at times.

Post # 9
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - rolling hills of southern italy

@mrs_pudding_pop:  ah, Facebook, making small town problems a thing of big city worldwide life! No help here then, just deep breaths, mouth shut, move on. I hope you find a way past it. Usually time is best at helping with these things.

Post # 11
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@mrs_pudding_pop:  I had an ex Boyfriend or Best Friend that constantly said things like your Fiance…”Ex 1 went to Greece with me,” “I got into this because Ex 2 loved this band,” Trust me, this isn’t normal coming from a person who’s supposed to love you!

I went to therapy thinking something was wrong with me. At the last session, my counselor asked if I wanted to continue the relationship. I truthfully answered yes. I still wanted to give it a shot and keep trying. Two years later as I am mourning the death of family he cheats on me with an old high school classmate.

Although i do agree that therapy is a great stress reliever, it’s not that you’re suffering from low self-esteem. It’s that he’s making you doubt your self-worth that is the problem. I tried asking him to stop talking even thinking about his exes until it was no surprise that he rekindled an old flame.

Post # 12
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

It’s okay to feel your not good enough for someone because it can mean that you are human and are not perfect but you want to be perfect for him.  You worry way to much about his past.  I don’t think it’s bad to care about a little but I think you care way to much.  You need to bump up your self esteem and realize he’s not perfect either.  You don’t always have to look perfect for him.  Eventually your going to get old and most likely you’ll have wrinkles and thats perfectly okay.

Post # 14
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Hmmmm Im thinking you are really  just insecure on the inside and its pushing through in the form of jealousy. Have you had many ex boyfriends/sexual relationships in the past? Because *maybe* if your Fiance has had more “experience” than you, you might be feeling left out which makes you feel like you have to live up to everything he and his ex’s have had/done.

You really have nothing to worry about though…EVERYONE has a past, everybody has things they regret or things they miss etc etc. I think its just your attitude toward the past that needs to be changed. You just have to accept the fact that yes your fi had others before you that he had good times and bad times with but all that matters NOW is YOU. You are his present AND his future…if anything you should be boasting and happy that YOU won because there is a reason his ex’s arent in your shoes.. Do you know what I mean? If he thought any of his ex’s were better than you he would be with them but that is NOT true because he wants YOU! The past doesn’t matter anymore and its not something you can change. You have SO much more time with your fi than he ever had with his past relationships! You have to accept the fact that his past exists and you have to relize that its never going to be changed! You have to focus on what YOU TWO have and will have and the future because thats what matters : )

 

If it helps…Im almost 22 (my husband is 23) and we got married when I was 20. We are still very young but we arent eachother’s firsts. Infact my husband has had quite a few more sexual relationships than I and I felt pretty insecure about it at first. Actually my husbands first long term sexual relationship was during HS and with my best friend! Sometimes I actually forget about it because she is still my best friend and we actually joke about it sometimes because its funny (I was just in her wedding a few months ago as well)! My husband is NOT attracted to her now, he realized that she is not the type of person he would want to be with anymore and he hates her personallity. It actually doesnt even bother me at all. I just know that, yes they had a past, yes they had good times and bad times, but that doesnt matter anymore and it hasn’t mattered to him in i dont know like 8 years  since they broke up. Ive known a couple of his other ex’s too since we all went to high school together and sure its kinda awkward but I dont care anymore because that type of thing just doesnt matter to me. He wants ME and thats all! Ex’s are just ex’s. Thats all. If it helps sometimes if something is starting to bother you (say for example the dishes). Dont start anything about it with your fi …instead just leave the room for a minute (go to the bathroom?) collect yourself and remind yourself that it DOES not matter, because your fi is WITH YOU and loves YOU and thats what matters..then you can come out and continue on your day. This way you can start to make yourself feel better and also avoid arguments with your fi at the same time…get into practice with it..but you have to BELIEVE it or it wont work : ) You have to STOP making your issues his issues because they are NOT his fault..its YOUR issues with HIS past which he cannot change…how do you think that would make YOU feel if he kept talking about YOUR past and making you feel bad about something you cannot change? Have you thought of that? It would hurt alot and make you feel bad all the time!! SO try not to mention it to him anymore!!!

I hope I helped a little bit or atleast gave you some insight haha. : ) I hope youll be ok soon!

Post # 15
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mrs_pudding_pop:  I once had to go see a therapist for something and she said that my brain was trying to overpower my emotions instead of just being honest and dealing with them. Maybe you’re spending so much time trying to rationalize why you shouldn’t feel the way you do, and not enough time trying to figure out where this is all coming from. I really do think speaking to someone will help uncover the underlying issue so you can address it. 

 

Post # 16
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@mrs_pudding_pop:  I think you need to take a break from Facebook. Seriously. I just read your follow-up posts and it seems like this is one of the reasons why his exes pop in your head.

Like PP have said, therapy may help you get to the root of why you’re like this.

I suggest that whenever the urge comes up to say something about his exes, you stifle it. If you stop talking about it, eventually you’ll stop thinking about it.

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