(Closed) Hatred/Comparison of Exes Really Causing Issues :(

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I say this nicely: it sounds like a maturity issue. Axe the stupid FB. Now if he just said to you “man my ex was way hotter than you” or something equally stupid, I could see why you would be upset.  But to be upset that he has a past with other women that doesn’t include is… sort of crazy.  Basically, these feelings and fights you’re having are NOT WORTH IT.  And truly, it is not fair to your man to keep doing this to him.

Just make a deal that you won’t talk about it and focus on the two of you and your future.  Because you’re really missing out on everyday if you’re thinking about stuff you weren’t even there for.

Post # 18
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I get where you are coming from – I have a jealous personality too. I am not insecure about myself, and I don’t know where this jealousy comes from, but I can’t help having those feelings. I have the same thoughts sometimes, when I am forced to see one of my fiance’s exes like “I am so much better looking than her” or something along those lines.

I agree with a few bees above me – try to push those thoughts out of your head and definately resist the urge to say something to your fiance every time they pop into your head. Honestly, you are probably making yourself look like a jealous b*tch and that is not attractive to a man! It sounds like you have a really great, understanding guy and you don’t want to lose him!

And stop face book stalking, lol! The more you see the ex and read about her, the worse it is going to get. Your fiance is right – he shouldn’t be punished for living his life before you came into it.

Overall, just be confident about yourself – after all he is choosing to be with you over all the other exes!


Post # 20
9967 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@sanjessica:   Nicely said!

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@mrs_pudding_pop:  A certain amount of “healthy jealousy” is normal when we’re in love.  It becomes unhealthy when it crosses into the territory of making yourself and him miserable. 

You’re right about FB being evil, I call it The Devil and I despise it and refuse to take part in it. 

Try to practice focusing on everything you’re happy about in the here and now and when those thoughts crop up don’t follow them, just let them go.  What you focus on and pay attention to grows and what you ignore will eventually fade away.  🙂

Post # 21
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@mrs_pudding_pop:  Wow. If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you? Do you think you have self-esteem problems? I am just asking because it occurs to me that if you felt secure in who you are you may not become so irrationally jealous of his ex’s. I think maybe talking to a therapist is a good idea because this is not a normal reaction to have ALL the time. Also, if you really love this man and want to keep him in your life you must find a way to get over this stuff. Jealously may seem somewhat flattering at first, but over time it becomes incredibly off-putting and unattractive. Most men want a confident woman. Confidence is sexy….jealously is not. He is absolutely right…it is very very unfair of you to punish him for a past he had before you ever came into his life. It’s not like he could change it…even if he wanted to. If you want to keep this man you have to figure out how to cope.

Post # 23
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You are afraid that if there is another person out there that is better, smarter, sexier than you or that he has any kind of emotional attachment to any other human being, that one day he is going to look at you and realize you are a fraud and that you suck, are ugly and a horrible human being. 

Hate to tell you, but everyone fears  that they will be called out, so to speak. There is a famous actor (I think Robert Redford or Paul Newman), with lots of awards. He say that to this day, he is terrified that someone is going to jump out of the bushes and Scream, “YOU ARENT A REAL ACTOR!!) a everyone will know his dirty little secret.

You dont trust that he loves all of you, even the dark parts of yourself. So instead of sitting with that feeling of dread or fear, you come up with all these other scenarios. Like little tiny release valves of jealousy. 

Until you get deep down into your real fear and you sit with that horrible feeling, you will never get over this. I would start with a therapist soone rather than later.

Post # 24
522 posts
Busy bee

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@deetroitwhat:  +1

I think a lot of people struggle with insecurity and jealousy. Sometimes the two become intwined and it is hard to know where one starts and the other stops.

I do suggest you start going to a therapis very soon. 

Rehashing the past is not going to change it. Constantly comparing yourself to his ex’s is not helping you it’s keeping you mired in his past.

Post # 26
1306 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@mrs_pudding_pop:  My DH has an ex in his life that he can’t get rid of. She is his ex-fiance and ended up married to his best friend. At times, it is uncomfortable for me to be around them just knowing she and my DH shared intimate moments/secrets/feelings. Most of the time I am okay with it but IDK, sometimes I hate thinking about it. I know certain things they “shared” as DH and I were friends for years before we dated, and I kinda steer clear of them…certain bands (which I’m not into anyway), tv series etc.

Anywhooo, as for your situation, I would think your Fi can be understanding and try to rid your house of “ex” things. Plates are not all that expensive. You can get a set for $20 at Wal Mart. Even if you don’t like them, at least hey will be yours!

Other topics of conversations really shouldn’t come up about the exes. If he tells stories, try not to pry. He may ave experienced something he wants to tell you about. If it was on a vacation, or a day trip or whatever, he should leave the ex out of the story i.e. “On time I saw an awesome movie about X, Y, and Z” as opposed to “One time Jen and I went to see an awesome movie…” See? If he does that, don’t pry as to who he was with.

Post # 28
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@mrs_pudding_pop:  I can relate to what you’re saying, as I have jealous tendencies as well. When Fiance and I started going out, I was really insecure about one of his exes. It was irrational, because I knew that she wasn’t particularly good looking, and she did some pretty crazy things when my Fiance was dating her. I felt particularly jealous of a couple of trips they took, and I felt insecure because she apparently got on so well with his friends.

The friend issue was caused by the fact that my Fiance and his friends go back years and years, and in the beginning I felt like I didn’t quite fit in because I am about 8 years younger than Fiance, and didn’t share their history. Gradually, though, I felt more and more part of the group, and now I don’t really feel like an outsider at all. I also learned through conversations with Fiance that none of his friends considered this particular ex ‘marriage material’, as she was basically an irresponsible, drunken skank. She ended up having a long-term affair with one of FI’s friends before ending things with Fiance. 

As for the two trips he took with this person, I don’t really care anymore. We have taken several trips together abroad now, and we’re planning an amazing honeymoon. Whenever he mentions those places he visited, he never mentions the ex, because she is simply not relevant to the story.

My insecurity started to fade gradually when we moved in together, partially because he had never lived with any girlfriends before, so it really felt like it was new and special to both of us.

I know it’s been hard for Fiance to deal with my insecurity, but he has been very understanding as I’ve been very honest in why I feel insecure (I know that it’s connected to deep self-esteem issues). He’s also been very helpful in that he got rid of all his ex-girlfriend stuff after we moved in together, because I told him how uncomfortable it makes me to have them in OUR home (and just to be clear; I don’t keep ex-boyfriend stuff either because I don’t feel it would be appropriate for a soon-to-be-married woman).

I no longer feel uncomfortable if an ex is mentioned (although that doesn’t happen very often), and we’ve been able to have some very lengthy discussions about our past relationships and why they failed. And he’s never said anything like “This person made me like this and this book” etc., which really helps.

So what I’m saying is; the insecurity will fade away eventually, because as your relationship grows the exes will become more and more distant in time and in his memory.

Post # 29
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It sounds like your fixation over his exes is a way of self-sabotaging your relationship. It is often easier for us to leave a relationship than for us to confront the possibility that we are utterly vulnerable to our SO’s leaving us (even if they never would, the fear is often enough). Until you learn to love and accept yourself, you may always struggle with worrying that your SO will leave you. It’s great that you are seeking therapy for this. 

I have an idea in the meantime though: What about if you channeled your feelings of jealousy into something more productive? Let’s say that every time you think about one of your FI’s exes, instead of focusing on that, you focus on trying to create a new memory with your Fiance. You don’t even have to view it as “replacing” the old memory, but I do think that is essentially what will happen. For example, if you find yourself obsessing over a book that his ex recommended to him, what if you channel that energy into finding a new book for you and your Fiance to read together? Or if you have trouble coming to terms with a vacation he took with an ex, what if once those thoughts started flooding in, you started researching and booking a new place for you and your Fiance to visit togehter? This won’t make the jealousy go away, but at least it will be using your jealousy to fuel something productive–to bring you and your Fiance together rather than pushing him away.

Post # 30
69 posts
Worker bee

@mrs_pudding_pop:  I have so been in your shoes.  It took me a LONG time to get over the ex issue.  The first thing I would suggest is deleting your FB account.  Seriously ~ life goes on without FB (even though my friends still give me grief for leaving, lol).  I personally could not stop myself from looking at the ex’s page and comparing myself.  It just kept the issue alive in my head.  Rather than just blocking her, I decided to completely quit FB altogether so I wouldn’t even have the temptation to look ~ besides that, there was so much drama on FB and I had a love/hate relationship with that site.  It’s been many months now since I quit and I’m happy!  Best. Decision. Ever. lol  Also, therapy can really help address your insecurity and self-esteem issues.  I have been going to counseling for a while now and I feel SO much better about myself and stronger emotionally.  I’m also on an anti-anxiety medication (I’ve had anxiety issues for years) and I’ve found that helps me not only to stop worrying about everything under the sun, but also has helped my insecurity.  I’m not saying you need to be on medication, but it’s an option if you feel you need it.  Focus on yourself ~ what YOU like to do, your interests,your friends, and keep yourself busy so you don’t have time to dwell on the exes. If the thoughts come up and start to bother you, distract yourself by doing something ~ going to see a movie, hanging out with a friend, going for a walk, whatever will help.  What everyone else has said is true ~ he chose YOU and these girls are just part of his past ~ if he wanted them he would have chosen to stay with them.  They broke up for a reason.  He loves YOU.  I think I will always be the type who tends to be more jealous/feel threatened than some other women (largely because of MY past) but now I control my insecurity/jealousy, not the other way around.  Really make yourself your priority ~ to get better and get past this issue.  It isn’t an overnight thing ~ it will take time and work on your part, but it can be done.  You deserve to be happy!  Wishing you all the best!!

Post # 31
12244 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I totally get where you’re coming from! I get crazy jealous over exes.

Especially the stupid whorefaces that still like every freaking thing he has ever posted on FB I mean come on one of them dated him for TWO WEEKS in HS (and that skankho was the first girl to touch his dick so obviously I seethe). She got knocked up and married off later that year, though (her senior year in HS), so it’s not like she’s a real issue. And the other bitchface was his booty call in college! When they planned on trying to date post-college, she got knocked up before they could ever go on a single date! Now she’s married with this ADORABLE kid, but all she does is like his FB statuses all day long!

But I got a LOT of counseling, and now when I rant about them on the Bee, I’m mostly joking. But before it SERIOUSLY upset me. Now I just see them as a little sad!

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