Post # 1
- Wedding: May 2015 - Church
My FI is the most wonderful, generous, deeply loving man I’ve ever met. He is 36 and this is his second marriage, my first. When he was 28, he married a woman who eventually cheated on him after about 1 year. I know it sounds petty, but I want to basically avoid everything she did for their wedding and house decorating. I’ve never met the woman, obviously, but I hate the thought of her. I hate that she hurt him, even though the rational part of me knows that it was a blessing in disguise since now we are together.
So FI has several things in his home that are left over from his marriage. Dishes, glasses, flatware, furniture, etc that she chose. She was 23 at the time, and her tastes were kind of immature. (Not knocking twenty-somethings, just saying that her particular style seemed really young and impractical.) I want us to start fresh on stuff together and make our new house together our own with items we both like. But he’s very practical. FI keeps saying, “Well, you have 8 of your dishes and I have 8 of mine, why do we need new stuff?” And I feel embarrassed for saying the real reason why!
To make matters worse, we are having a spring wedding, and he got married in the spring the first time around. So now I’m a little worried about making sure we don’t copy his first ceremony/colors/theme, but without taking away FI’s chance to have a say in his own wedding.
Do I sound totally crazy? lol probably. Has anyone else experienced this?
Post # 2
I don’t think you sound crazy. Just say you want to start fresh for your new life together (which is true).
Post # 3
I’m not going to say “crazy”. But a little insecure. Alright, so how long ago was his wedding? Chances are trends have changed and it’s really not going to be the same thing. Also, aren’t all weddings really kind of the same thing. Even though we all want to think we are individual and super creative at the end of the day every wedding has the same basic parts. Also think about the last 5 weddings you’ve attended? What do you remember about them? I assure you no one is comparing this wedding to his last one. I doubt they even remember much about it as far as the little details. Some might remember the colors so I would try to stay away from that. You could always ask his mom or sister if he has one.
I’m on your FI team as far as plates/silverware and furniture. I still have dishes from my marriage 11 years ago. I do not assign emotion to stuff like that. I’m sure he’s not looking at them and thinking about his exwife.
Try not to think about his exwife so much, it can’t be good for you.
Post # 4
Some people do attach significance and memories to things and if OP is one of them, then no, it’s not petty or silly to tell FI how she feels and why. It’s a simple enough thing to address. I have friends who moved in to a home a first wife designed, built and decorated or had a H move into a home that had previously belonged to an ex. In both cases I know it wasn’t always easy for spouse #2. Both eventually moved.
Post # 5
weddingmaven: I never said she shouldn’t tell him how she feels about it. I would think this is the type of thing you should be able to talk to your spouse about. I am well aware people assign emotions to material things. I am getting married to a person that does that and I have to be careful. I was just saying I didn’t personally and I could understand her FI POV.
Post # 6
strawberrymojito: Maybe the problem is that you know too much about how they did things and you can’t stop comparing. Like why would you know or care about the type of decor they had at their spring wedding? That’s odd to me. Dishes are trivial and your FI is right that you both have things that come from somewhere, it doesn’t make them any less yours now.
Post # 7
strawberrymojito: “FI keeps saying, “Well, you have 8 of your dishes and I have 8 of mine, why do we need new stuff?” And I feel embarrassed for saying the real reason why!”
I say, risk the embarassment. You’re marrying this person. When it comes to important relationships, rarely is “suffer in silence” a key to success. I would say I’m the practical type too, but if things I had from former lovers were bothering my husband, I’d expect him to talk with me about it. I’d be confused and perhaps a little hurt if I found out later/in some other way. I may not get rid of said items, but I would hear him out and ease his mind and we would move on together. That’s what married people do. This won’t be the only time that something that challenges you doesn’t bother him and vice versa. Probably the first of many things. But these things get worked through and fade into the distance.
I can understand that stepping into a role you feel has been inhabited before you could cause you to focus on the physical objects that can be easily replaced. But the truth is, if a man has married someone before, been burned badly, and has chosen to marry you… well, then you’re something pretty special. Remember this!
I can also understand just flat out not likely these objects aesthetically. My environment is very important to me on that level. I’d be annoyed by tacky dishes too! But really, I say just be honest with him. Both of you have valid points on this and you’ll come up with a compromise.
Post # 8
strawberrymojito: I think you should talk to your FI about this. Or maybe see a counselor on your own, because focusing on his past is not healthy for you.
partyplanner83: According to the OP, her FI’s first wedding was 8 years ago, since he is 36 now and was 28 when he got married the first time. I don’t know how long her FI and his first wife were married, but to me, 8 years sounds like pretty ancient history. People aren’t really going to remember much that far back.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2014 - Lodge
strawberrymojito: I don’t think its crazy and I think you should explain to him why you feel the way you do. My FI was also married once before and was a bachelor for 8 years before we met. He didn’t want to register at all because “we already have everything we need”. I basically drug him to stores to register for gifts. When I scanned new dishes he was like “why?” I just told him that our guests will want to buy us gifts and why not upgrade. The stuff we have is like 10 years old. I want grown up things, nicer dishes, new and nicer silverware, martini glasses, wine goblets etc. This is the time to do it.
I totally get what your saying about “immature” items. I’m 33 now so the dishes I bought when I was 21/22 is funky plastic stuff I bought at wal-mart or target. It got the job done but not really appropriate for a 33 and 42 year old couple with kids. Plus we just purchased a new house last year and still have a lot of rooms unfinished with decorating. It would be nice to have new towels that aren’t falling apart and match the decor instead of the old house bathroom colors.
Keep explaining to him you want things “YOU” both own now instead of his and hers. Good luck.
Post # 10
strawberrymojito: I think you’re being a bit immature about this. Everyone has a history. Whether or not dishes he used with his former wife are in your home or not doesn’t change that he was married once before. I’m in your husbands camp..it’s just stuff. Regarding the wedding: it’s doubtful your husband or his family remember what color the bridesmaids wore at the first wedding. People don’t really remember that sort of detail very often. Do want you want and don’t worry about what was done before.
Post # 11
My aunt, who is in her late 50’s, is getting remarried and is also experiencing a similar situation as both her and her FI have been previously married. He’s on the practical side, she’s yearning for a fresh start. I think there are some things that you can just pass on, like certain pieces of furniture or maybe a set of every-day dishes, but maybe you can use this as an opportunity to purchase more grown-up, heirloom-type items. Sort of an upgrade?
Post # 12
strawberrymojito: I don’t see why it would be embarrassing to share your feelings about this with your FI. It’s not irrational to want to start fresh, and I’m sure he would be more supportive if he knew what your reasoning was.