(Closed) Haunted by FI's first bride/wedding/registry! :(

posted 8 years ago in 30 Something
Post # 16
293 posts
Helper bee

I can relate! Except I’m the first wife. SO much in my house and my house itself was purchased with my now ex-husband. Moving isn’t an option for me for now. BUT, I worry about SO not feeling at home, or feeling like he’s stepping into mine and my ex’s house. Obviously, I’ve taken down the family portraits, but some decor, I just don’t want to get rid of. Luckily, even thougth I LOVED it, my ex took the bedroom set and bedroom furniture. I had a fire in my living room last Jan, so now I’ll have new couches, but I don’t recommend going that route. As far as plates and bowls, I found a cheap but cute set on Craigslist and I’m going to pack up the matching Mikasa sets that we registered for in my first marriage. Slowly, I’m getting rid of the old. But, it does take time.

As for the wedding, get the scoop on their wedding. If they had an outdoor wedding, you can have an indoor wedding (that way, weather won’t be an issue for those freakish Spring days). Know their colors, favors, etc… Then, don’t touch those!

Post # 17
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Have you ever read DuMaurier’s Rebecca? You can’t let this woman haunt you, although I think it’s totally reasonable to give away some of the old dishes, etc.

Post # 18
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: dont know

My friend did the same thing.  she moved in with ther boyfriend/husband (complicated situation not gonna explain) and it was the house he bought with his previous relationship who cheated on him.  He had a family farm across the street so they ended up moving to it and she got to pick all the decor and furniture and it made her alot happier but also drove her crazy.

Post # 19
833 posts
Busy bee

Had this situation. I got rid of everything and was honest about it. He thought it was impractical throwing away stuff that was in good condition but let me anyway. I wanted to pick things out together and make it our home, rather than their home that I moved into. Now that we have been together for so long and our home is full of our own memories, it doesn’t bother me if I come across something random of hers.

Post # 20
37 posts
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Home

Hi! My husband was married before, so I can relate. Here is my advice: as for your wedding, even if it’s completely the same as his last one and it’s what you LOVE, go for it! She’s in the past, the last wedding is in the past, this is all about you guys and what you like! Don’t let your mind play tricks on you. This is not a competition. You have nothing to live up to but your own expectations. She is his ex for a reason. Don’t let yourself get sucked into that.

As for the “stuff”…I can see both of your points. But remember…they are just objects. Objects that will eventually get replaced. And you have options. If you really don’t like the plates, sell them at a garage sale or on Craig’s List. It’s just stuff. You will mix in your own things and it will not feel like “her”. Heck, my husband and I used bedding that they had and she picked out! I just said “whatever”, as it’s…stuff! You will made your home your own and you will see that it doesn’t matter, unless you make it into a big deal, which I personally don’t think it is. I hope this helps. Don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t let her steal your shine 🙂 Your wedding and home and MARRIAGE will be beautiful!

Post # 21
452 posts
Helper bee

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HannahGrace:  +1

I have to agree with Hannah on this one. I thought you were going to say he had wedding pictures of them hanging in the house.  Forget her. Who cares if you both have the exact same taste or wedding colors. You’re not her. You don’t remind your fiancé of her, he doesn’t think of her when he eats off those plates. You both had pasts, stop dwelling on his, focus on your future together. I know it’s tough, my boyfriend and I are both divorced and they have kids, but I just don’t want to think about his past with someone else, I just think about our memories and building new ones together, try to let it go. Don’t give her any more of your time, or any more power over your relationship. Then she wins, forget her, she’s nothing to you, even if she had great taste and style.

Post # 22
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Norton Country Club

Fiance and I have both owned homes before moving into a rental home together- so.much.stuff.  Some of his stuff came from his first wedding registry.  They called it off a month before the wedding, but some realtives insisted that he keep their gifts when his ex cleaned out the apartment (literally took everything but the dog she adopted).  

We’ve agreed that for now, we will live with mismatched sets while we pare down.  We’ll register for “our” things to suit our tastes.  Everything else will go.  We’ve found a great charity that helps folks in transition from homelessness or disaster housing into permanent housing… they get useful stuff, things that suit our tastes together, and we get a tax write-off! 

Post # 23
44 posts

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strawberrymojito:  I completely understand. My Fiance ex wife presence is still around and I had to accept it will never go away since they have a child together. 

I too do not want anything to do with her or repeat her actions because she had affected my Fiance so bad. Literally his whole family hates her. 

What I suggest saying to your other half is that you would like a few new things, to start anew in your lives together. You can always try to resell the exes stuff to recoup costs. Dishes and things like that you can possibly get through wedding gifts. As for the furniture, say that you would like to restart and include him in the decision making that you would love things that you both picked together and its a woman thing.

As for the wedding, definitely include him in the planning if he wasn’t included in the last one, and keep to your own style. Be you. Keep in mind what she had but don’t make it your sole thought. 

Make it about both of you and your relationship. A beautiful dress that is totally you and hair and makeup. 

It’s hard when you come into a relationship with a lot of past items staring you in the face, but remember over time things will change and it will be about you and him and she’ll just be a stain on a rug.

Post # 24
7225 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m too practical. I think it’s not a very smart decision to toss out a perfectly functioning something just because somebody else bought it and you have an irrational hate for this person. Dishes are dishes. You eat off them. They go in the dishwasher. They sit in the sink. They’re fully functional. Replacing them just so you can get your say about dishes seems… extreme, to me. Not to mention a touch petty. But, if that’s what you’re going to do, that’s what you’re going to do.

Post # 25
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My husband’s ex-wife sent us an over-the-top wedding card last week. It was not an amicable divorice, either. I was momentarily annoyed but life goes on.

Post # 26
446 posts
Helper bee

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strawberrymojito:  Ok so first you need to tell your parents or someone close forget the giftlist, you want a new set of crockery. Plates etc. Then you can move the others to the garage (including your eight) and over time they can ‘disappear.’

Your Fiance is not interested in the ex as she did something unacceptable to him and he is looking for loyalty. I imagine she had many faults.

I suggest you watch the film “Rebecca” (black and white) by Daphne duMaurier, bear with it emotionally, it turns out okay at the end.

The furniture you can get reupholstered over time or reconditioned and I really don’t think you will keep any piece of furniture forever, whether it is a piece of yours or his.

He is just being financially-minded by hanging onto this stuff, he is not even thinking about the ex here. Do you think he would keep it if he had a woman’s mind where they keep getting reminded by things and in so doing hurt himself by remembering her cheating?

Post # 27
2894 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

He doesn’t have kids from his first marriage, right? Because you can’t sell those on eBay.

Post # 28
303 posts
Helper bee

Dead thread. Sorry to ressurect.

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by keepitsimple.
Post # 29
28 posts
  • Wedding: April 2017

I don’t think it’s crazy at all. My fiance’s place looks like a glorified dorm room. lol. She kept most of the stuff but like you said, I’m guessing it wasn’t super tasteful.

Moving more of my stuff in will help, but seriously — if you can afford to buy new things, why not have new things to start your new life together? Isn’t that kind of a tradition anyway? Didn’t people used to go pick out china patterns (something I can’t imagine us ever doing lol) or something? 

I’d say as far as your home and decor, etc. if you can afford to buy new I’d just Goodwill everything and start over. Or, go room my room. You have a different relationship and different dynamic and it’s just as important for YOU to feel at peace and at “home” as it is for him. If he doesn’t care, that’s fine — but think about your needs, too or it’ll make you insane.

I say go for it if you can afford it.

Post # 30
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

My ex was the one who cheated, and shortly after I moved out he moved his new girl in. I always wondered how she felt sleeping in my bed, sitting on my sofa, etc (he bought my share of our house off me and gave me some extra for furniture because  I left behind pretty much EVERYTHING other than my own personal belongings because I wanted none of ‘our’ stuff). I wanted her to feel awkward though! Oops.

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