Have a boyfriend but crushing on his bestfriend

posted 9 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
904 posts
Busy bee

sarandah :  I disagree. The OP doesn’t have an obligation to try to “make it work”. People have spent more than 7 years in an inert, incompatible relationship because it is comfortable. Her attraction to the best friend is probably an indication that the relationship has run its course.

Post # 17
Member
2851 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

[Comment moderated for TOS violation]

Post # 18
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

What’s comfortable? What does comfortable mean? That the two get along but the relationship is boring? Or the relationship is unhealthy and the OP is scared to leave?  anonymousbee001 :  

Post # 19
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Lol, keep bringing up my age. Maybe I have something to say about not throwing away a relationship over dumb feelings that’ll likely pass. futuremrs2020 :  

Post # 20
Member
904 posts
Busy bee

sarandah :  You can love someone and be used to their presence and the relationship can be healthy and “work” at a superficial level, but that still does not mean that she should or have an obligation to continue the relationship. The fact that they have been together for 7 years and that he is a “good guy” does not require her to stay and try to work it out.

The crush on the best friend may be an indication that there is something missing from the relationship, or what she ultimately wants from a relationship.

By the way, I think in OP’s case, “boring” is a perfectly good reason to end the relationship, if she so chooses.

Post # 21
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: By the lake

You’ve been with this man since 15.  So he is the only one you’ve been with I take it?  Could it be you are falling away from him?  Growing apart?  Maybe you want to venture out and see what else is out there?  I know someone who have been together since 14 years old and after high school,  they grew apart.   She wanted to see what else is out there because she doesn’t want to miss out just incase someone is better.   So they broke up.   She is now happily married to someone she met. 

Post # 22
Member
4534 posts
Honey bee

anonymousbee001 :  I agree with this 100% This is not a marriage. Since when do you need to make it work with a boyfriend? 

OP, I think what you’re experiencing is the desire to see other people. The best friend is your focal point because you see him regularly. In no way will I encourage you to stay with someone when your emotions are leading you elsewhere. 

Post # 23
Member
904 posts
Busy bee

sunburn :  Thank you smile. I definitely think the circumstances matter — her age, experience, marital status, responsibilities are all relevant. I’m sure if a 30-something woman who was married with kids posted this the responses would be rightfully different.

Post # 24
Member
4534 posts
Honey bee

anonymousbee001 :  Exactly. A poster who is already married but crushing could be encouraged to make it work. A young girl who’s been with the same boyfriend since she was 15 is a totally different scenario.

Post # 25
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

But what about mindset? The mindset to commit and work it out must surely be there or else even a marriage would fail without the right mindset. Relationships can be worked on no matter your marital status. 

I just feel like commitment won’t just develop after you get married—the mindset would already have to be there to help any relationship and especially a marriage through the bad and the good. Or maybe people think leaving relationships is okay because you’re not yet married?  sunburn :  

anonymousbee001 :  

Post # 26
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee

sarandah :  While a mindset for commitment may be a nice thing to develop, it’s also not the only thing of importance. Young people would often do well (if they have such inclinations) to explore themselves, others, relationships, and experiences. And people in their 20s should NOT continue to live by beliefs and decisions they made as 15-year-old children. 

OP, it sounds like your relationship has run its course, and that’s probably a good thing. Other posters (by the way, women who are much older and more experienced in these matters) have already established how unlikely it is that you were EVER going to end up with the BOY you started dating at 15–that’s just not the norm, and there are good reasons for that. As we get older, have more experiences, round out intellectually, discover who we are, we don’t always grow together with the people who were in our lives as teens. Let this one go. Get out there and explore. Date other guys (NOT his best friend, though). 

Post # 27
Member
4534 posts
Honey bee

A relationship in which you’re deeply attracted to someone else is not the kind of relationship you want to commit to and work things out. The relationship that deserves commitment is the one where you’re not attracted to others. 

Post # 28
Member
323 posts
Helper bee

I actually believe attraction to others can happen while in a commited relationship, but you need to decide what to do about it. Likely the best friend wouldn’t date you, so if you want to stay with your boyfriend then you need to get over the crush by telling yourself it will never work out. Indulging the thoughts of your fantasy is a useless endeavour if you want to stay in a commited relationship.

Post # 29
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

When you emotionally have desires for someone else other than your partner it is never a good thing and it will lead to something really bad. People will get hurt. You said that your boyfriend really loves you alot and actually wants to spend the rest of his life with you. But you never said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. I think this relationship has run it’s course. You were a teenager when you started dating him. Now your barley in your 20’s and your life has changed alot since then. Your not a teenager anymore your a women. It would be different if you were in your 30’s. Usually at that point we have gone through so much in life we know what we truly want. But if your thinking about his best friend all time you might want to take some time and rethink your relationship. But don’t do anything stupid and mess around with his best friend. That would be the worst thing that you could do. Even if you guys break up or not, please don’t do it. 

Post # 30
Member
230 posts
Helper bee

Maybe stop spending so much time with his best friend??

You know what you’re doing. Out of sight out of mind. Cut it out.

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