- 6 years ago
I’ve thought about writing this post for over a year and am finally doing it now. I would really love to hear from bees who have gone through a similar situation and have made it through one way or another. DH and I have been married 3 years, and were together for 10 years when we got married. We are in our early 30’s. We don’t have kids. We started dating in university and were living together for a few years before we got married. I clearly remember thinking around the time of our wedding, that if we’ve been together for a decade, living together for a few years, and our relationship was still strong, then that was about as much guarantee as one could ever have of a successful marriage. Yet, somehow, our relationship has fallen apart. I can’t give an easy reason why. There was not one single event or one single reason or even a few. It feels like it’s everything.
Every relationship has its problems, and we were dealing with ours. There was never anything major that was an issue in our relationship, just many little things. He’s not much of a communicator (that’s actually an understatement, he just can’t talk about feelings, period), and I’m the opposite (I do talk about my feelings and am very open in my relationships). So for years we’d go through cycles of something bothering me, us talking about it (which was mostly me talking and him sitting in silcence), then I would get over it but there would never really be a resolution. Just to give an idea of the type of things that were issues: He watches a lot of TV/youtube/etc, and I felt neglected a lot of the time. I would want him to come to bed with me (whether to sleep or other) and he would prefer to stay up and watch TV so I went to bed alone and after a while stopped asking. I’m very clean and he’s very messy. It takes a lot of effort on my part to keep our house relatively neat. I’m very responsible and take care of all our adult responsibilities (taking care of bills and finances, planning vacations, keeping track of our social calendar, taking care of everything when we bought our house, vet care and food for the dog, take care of my own car etc) while he needs me to help him with everything (starting with selecting courses and finding a place to live in university, and these days things like submitting insurance claims). He’s not very present emotionally a lot of the time, so I feel it’s difficult to engage him in conversation about every day little things. He forgets things I tell him, and doesn’t follow through on things I ask him to do. If I ask him to do things around the house, it may take months or years or may never get done. I just don’t feel I can depend on him. I’m also very social and enjoy keeping in touch with friends, but he prefers to be at home or with his family (siblings etc). All friends that we have outside of family are common friends that I make the effort to keep in touch with. I’m more affectionate and need cuddles and kisses and sweet words, but he’s not like that. So really, overall we were in love and there weren’t any major problems in our relationship, just things that we were working on, or ways that we’re just different people.
Like I mentioned, throughout the years I’d try to talk about the things that were bothering me, and the things I wanted to get out of the relationship, and sometimes I would get in a down mood for a few days, but always got over it. Even then, he would never come to me and try to make me feel better, I would kind of have to work through it on my own (despite telling him that when I’m sad I just need some hugs and love). Then one day, just over a year go, I didn’t get over it. It’s like I got stuck and could never climb out of it. I am constantly irritable and miserable. In fact, I’m a miserable person to live with, and yet he puts up with me much better than I deserve. He loves me and as far as he’s concerned, he’s perfectly happy in our relationship. He treats me well and there isn’t any kind of abuse, not even emotional. I just feel like the relationship isn’t working for me. Obviously we’ve talked about how I feel for over a year now, but nothing much has changed. I’ve noticed him trying a bit harder, but, at risk of sounding callous, it feels like too little too late, and I just don’t have the confidence that anything we “fix” would be permanent. We do want kids, but I don’t feel like I could deal with the amount of responsibility, I just feel like I would have to take on everything without as much support as I would need from him. I know he would be a good father, but not the husband I would need. My worst fear is having kids and then getting divorced.
From the things I’ve written down I guess it seems like I’m unhappy enough to leave, and I guess in a way I am. It’s just such a tough decision for many reasons. For one, I don’t hate him, he’s not a bad person, and there isn’t anything really hugely wrong in our relationship. I just don’t feel the kind of affection and closeness and connection that I used to. But I don’t understand how I could be with someone, be in love with someone, for such a long time and then just lose it all when nothing really happened and nothing major changed. I keep thinking that I will snap out of it, that we will somehow get back to where we used to be. Of course, as time passes, and it’s been over a year now, I have less and less hope of that happening. I just can’t believe that I am really willing to give him up, when at one time he was all I wanted. It’s also a tough decision because of my age – I’m in my early 30’s now. I just can’t fathom starting over building a new life and meeting someone and settling down and having kids, since I would really only have a few years to do all that. It’s a funny feeling to be so young and yet feel like an important part of your life is coming to an end. I never understood the concept of a biological clock and always thought it was just a cliche, but I sure feel it now. Other than that, there’s the inertia of thinking about the actual process of severing our lives, the house, the dog, our families… It’s just so overwhelming. I keep thinking how much easier it would be if we could just work things out, but any attempts I’ve made, all the times I’ve told myself I can do this, I can put in the effort, it hasn’t been enough.
Yes, I’ve gone to counseling. We didn’t go together because he doesn’t want to. I went on my own, but never really made much progress and at my last session with my counselor I was really upset and didn’t feel like the discussion was productive, and I didn’t go back. I’ve read the book Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay and Gottman’s Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.
I realize I’m writing too much. Really, I’m looking to hear from anyone who has gone through a similar situation. How did you get through it? Is it even possible to repair a relationship at this point? How did you know when it was time to let go?
- This topic was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by ellieopie.