(Closed) Have any bees gone through marriage ambivalence?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
8 posts
Newbee

ellieopie:  I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before, but with few exceptions, nearly every single one of us goes into marriage with the expectation of forever.  And on a site like this, geared toward people getting married, you will see a lot of ‘stick it out’ and ‘go to counseling’ and ‘don’t take marriage lightly’.  That makes perfect sense, given the forum – a lot more beginnings than endings here.

This situation is impossible to convey to someone that hasn’t been through it.  I did not go into my marriage expecting it to fail, and I didn’t have strong doubts in the beginning (but I should have). It it amazing to me now that I didn’t put everything together, but I didn’t.  I thought we could work through everything.  Some marriages end with a bang, a big blow-out situation that causes a scandal and rocks what you thought you knew of a person.

But I suspect many more of them end the way mine did – with a giant space in the middle of the couch, with silent car rides, and with the last thing you see before closing your eyes being someone else’s back.  

I wouldn’t be on weddingbee at all if I wasn’t getting married (August 15th) and I wouldn’t be getting married if I didn’t still believe in it with my whole heart – and I truly do.  I could say everything that CakeSniffer did, but she already said it too well.  When you find the right person, the person who not only fulfills your needs, but anticipates them – it makes everything different. I’m not naive enough to think that we won’t have problems, and I will probably take the advice of every marriage counselor and book out there, when that happens.   The difference is that I will be doing it with someone else, instead of by myself crying.

I love my Fiance with my whole heart, but I also don’t want to turn this into a ‘My marriage sucked and then I met someone who taught me the meaning of real love (and Christmas)’ story.  My marriage sucked.  I left the sucky marriage.  I figured out that I deserved to leave the sucky marriage. Then I figured out that having a good, supportive partner was the MINIMUM of what I deserved, but really, I could reach for (and expect to get) a whole lot more.  Now I have sky-high expectations and absolutely no apologies for that.  And while I was mulling over all of this, I happened to meet a wonderful guy who agreed with me about all of the aforementioned things.

This entire process took a long time though.  If you can, don’t lose sight of that giving nature.  Going that extra mile, and putting time, effort, and love into everything you do is not a quality that makes you a sucker (even if it feels that way sometimes).  Having a generous, open heart isn’t a fault; it’s an asset and a strength – one that only the best people have, and only the best people appreciate.

 

Post # 47
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Don’t throw a marriage away without REALLY REALLY trying to work it at. And I mean giving 100%. Every marriage goes through hard times and tough situations and I think at one point everyone will think, “what if..?” about their marriage. One of my favorite quotes referring to marriage (and how it used to last years ago) is “The different between today and many years back is that if something was broken, you fix it..not throw it away.” Just think about both of you going to a counselor and really trying to see each others point of view before throwing anything away, especially a marriage. Like you said, nothing big has happened that can’t be irreversible.

Post # 48
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee

Ele88:  I agree that divorce is a last option. But take it from someone who has been there.. one person giving 100% is simply not enough to make it work. You can only give 100% fruitlessly for so long, and eventually it erodes every bit of self respect, enthusiasm and enjoyment from you life. 

It is not selfish to allow yourself the relief of leaving; life is too short to spend it miserable.

I am by no means telling the OP to leave her husband. BUT, if her resentment has got to such a level that there is no coming back from (as mine did) and her relationship is chipping away at her happiness, then why stay? Why continue to waste precious time that could be spent happy instead of miserable, just because of the stigma associated with divorce. 

 

 

Post # 49
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

rosalind:  I agree, and I am also divorced. For a reason I had to,  because it was abusive . But even having gone through that,  I still take vows very seriously. I know a lot of people don’t anymore and I am definitely NOT saying that is the case here. I just hate hearing of people divorcing without trying everything first. If they both gave 100% from here on out,  they could probably make it and be happy. I hope that be the car,  but definitely understand that things can’t be one sided.

Post # 51
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee

ellieopie:  Oh my goodness. I see other threads where people suggest that the partner could be gay/bisexual etc, and I always think to myself that is such an absurd suggestion, based on very little. I just never considered that might be the issue here. 

In one sense, I am glad for you that there is some kind of underlying explanation. But I understand how it on the other hand it still poses more questions than answers. It’s just yet another ‘issue’ to add to the list, and it’s a big one.  

From my perspective it seems that even if you work on all of the other issues and get to a level that you are happy with in terms of living together and future plans.. can you ‘trust’ that will be enough for you in the future? Can you relax knowing that one day, as you say, he may not be able to repress his bi-sexual side? 

Also, if he knew this was a potential issue with his sexuality years ago yet kept it from you and married you without sharing, well that’s also a trust issue right there. 

Can you ‘settle’ for a relationship with little or no intimacy and sexual attraction? I know I simply couldn’t. 

Hugs Bee. None of this has been easy at all for you. xx

Post # 53
Member
6276 posts
Bee Keeper

If you go, he REALLY has to face his sexuality issues. 

He is shit scared of that and you’re his buffer. So he’s not going to agree with you.

You may have to take this decision for yourself. 

Youve been through so much. i had a long term partner from teenage years. Not as long as you at all but I can totally understand how he’s your life in so many ways. 

Youve said it yourself, you’re young but don’t have forever if you want to find someone and have a family. That may be the thing that pushes you to take control and decide to move forward in your life without him as your husband. 

Post # 54
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Every day you spend staying exactly where you are is another day you could have spent living your life/being happy/finding your true love/having his baby. It sounds like you’re emotionally checked out from the relationship, you just haven’t officially checked out because it’s scary – I get it, trust me. But it’s time for you to be happy now. Please take care of yourself and do what’s best for you.

Post # 55
Member
22 posts
Newbee

I’ve just read through these posts. My suggestion would be to go to therapy, as other bees have suggested you may be depressed. It also may be helpful to give yourself some space and start staying at a friend’s or parent’s house. Hopefully they can bring some positive energy into your life to have the motivation to go to therapy and make the final decision on your relationship. At this point you need to be thinking about yourself and what is best for you. I understand your husband recently told you he is bisexual and holding onto this relationship may be his way of denying/hiding his other sexual desires/feelings. I understand there are tons of different beliefs out there and in no way mean offense to anyone with this statement… I’ve found that asking God for help and strength and laying out how you feel can lift a weight off your shoulders. Saying your troubles out load and hearing them may solidify your position. Stay strong and take care of yourself. Best of wishes.

Post # 56
Member
7683 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

<address>whistlewhileyoulurk:  I think that is how someone I am close to, is feeling.  She confided in me, that she just feels ambivilant also.  Her husband is a nice guy, works hard, everyone likes him, but I think he just feels like he is the provider for the family and then he could be comfortable coming home and watching tv and drinking a couple of beers.  He does love his wife, but I don’t think he knows to show it, although he did when they were dating.  They no longer “date”, and he works long hours- part of it is the type of job he has, think Truck Driver or that type of job.  I know that she feels that he truly doesn’t know what he is missing, and just doesn’t get it..She says shes happy at this point, and doesnt want to leave because they have 2 children 9 and 5 yrs. old, but also feels like she’s missing out on a better relationship because she’s in her late 20’s early 30’s).  I didn’t know what to say, as I feel it is a personal thing between the 2 of them, but did suggest that she get counseling for herself to work things out for herself.  I know she has talked to him, but I guess I don’t think he gets it.  Nothing changes.  I am concerned for her and their future. I really care about the entire family.  If anyone has any words of wisdom for what I could say. Perhaps they both need counseling together, but I don’t want to butt in too much.  I am sorry for all you bees that are/have experienced this ambivilance in your marriages/relationships.  Anyone have any words of wisdom I could share?</address>

Post # 57
Member
7683 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

minniegrace:  I wonder if that’s the advice I should give, but I wonder if she is over any hurt/pain, and beyond it, so to speak, if it is too late?  I wonder if he did “get it” and find little ways of giving more, like he used to while dating, if it would turn things around for them.  I know that I don’t know what is “right” for them, or “right” for her.  I just don’t want either of them, or their family to suffer.  

Post # 58
Member
7683 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ellieopie:  I am truly sorry for your frustration, and the lack of clear answers.  I thank you for this post, and I truly wish you the best for you.  I’m sorry that I didn’t read all the posts.  Did you try therapy together? Was/Is he willing to go?  Do you feel it is too late? I’m really struggling with all of these questions for a close friend who is in a similar situation.  I feel so helpless.

Post # 59
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee

Leave.

This is who he is. Do not stay with someone because they COULD change.  If he is messy, that is who he is. Emotionally distant? That is who he is…etc.  Do not be with someone where needs to make major changes about himsel in order to feel satisfied in the relationship. 

He is not giving you what he needs because there are clearly fundamental compatibility issues.

Post # 60
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee

Goodness, pardon the typos.

‘Do not be with someone who needs to make major changes about himself in order for you to feel satisfied in the relationship.  He is not giving you what you need because there are clearly fundamental compatibility issues.’

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