Post # 16
lolabee1986: we were the reverse in that I owned the home. We had been living in an apartment together and I wanted to buy, but we weren’t engaged yet so I was buying it solo (although from day 1 he was moving with me and he helped me pick the place – but he thought we should spend one more year in the apartment). We agreed that he would pay the same amount of rent as he had been paying towards the mortgage (which was substantially higher than our rent had been) and that we’d continue splitting everything else.
Now we’re married and all the money is combined so it doesn’t matter. Technically I own the house, technically he owns the car, but we both have 100% rights and access to both.
Post # 17
My then-boyfriend (now my husband) moved into the condo I’d bought when I was single. I continued paying the mortgage and he paid all the other bills and bought food, and it evened out. In your case, even if the mortgage is covered, I would still offer to take on household bills.
I wish we’d talked about chores and expectations of cleanliness – we definitely had different ideas of what should be done and how often, and it caused some serious bickering in the beginning. Eventually we worked it out but it wouldn’t have been an issue if we’d spoken about it and made decisions before he moved in.
Post # 18
My friend did with her now ex fiance. She didn’t pay any of the expenses, and it was one of the things he used to control her. However he is just a controlling, emotionally abusive person… hence the ex. However, I think it could be ok with the right guy. The situation never arrose with my husband before we were married, but if it had, I highly doubt it would have changed the nature of our relationship. It is mostly just important to talk it over and come up with something that makes you both comfortable
Post # 19
He pays the mortgage and cable; I pay water, electricity, and internet. We take it in turns to buy groceries. He also pays my medical insurance and phone bill on his plan (he makes 3 times what I make and offered to do this so that I could have a little bit of extra spending money every month instead of living paycheque to paycheque. He pays for dinners out; I buy stuff for the house’s decor (curtains etc etc)
We both feel it very balanced. Actually, I feel spoilt, and he doesn’t feel taken advantage of, unlike his ex wife who did not work and spend all his money (I buy all of my own stuff)
Post # 20
I moved in with my husband who was paying off the home at the time.
We had talked long and hard about division of income well prior, and did not move in until we were engaged.
We put 90% of earned income into a mutual pool where all bills and costs are taken and couple savings are made. At the end of each pay cycle any money remaining was put onto the mortgage.
Worked perfectly, we never argue about money, each have plenty of discretionary funds to play with and have paid off that house in full. We are now saving the money we don’t have to pay off the mortgage.
Post # 21
I moved into his home. He covers the bills temporarily because I have a lease on an apt. I am stilling paying rent until my landlord rents it. My fiance was well aware that I wouldn’t be able to finacially contribute to his mortage until my rent situation is resolved and he was supportive of that. He invited me to move in.
We are getting married 10 07 2017 and putting his house on the market right after. We are planning to move to Florida and we will split everthing.
He told me to make myself at home. I could clean, paint, rearrange however I wanted.
Post # 22
Thanks for starting this thread, lolabee! My serious boyfriend owns his condo, and I pretty much live there except I have my own place. I’m nervous because the next step is obviously for me to move in, and I’m unsure how to navigate those waters whenever he decides to bring it up… This discussion is incredibly helpful!
Post # 23
I am really surprised by the “I am not on the mortgage/deed, so I am not paying toward it” mentality…the fact of the matter – if you lived someplace else you didn’t own, you would be paying rent! …and utilities and groceries…
My fiance moved into my house – I added up what the house costs to run on a monthly basis and divided by two and that is what he pays…no, he is not on the mortgage, but he also didn’t put money in towards a downpayment, and what he pays is a fraction of what he would pay if he rented this house on his own, or was paying a mortgage on his own without a huge down payment. He is also not responsible if something in the house breaks or needs to be repaired/replaced (although he generously has always split it with me…I wouldn’t expect that though)
Post # 24
lolabee1986: Here is how I’d approach this situation.
- You and your BF/FI need to have a discussion about combining your finances. I would personally NOT combine finances with a Boyfriend or Best Friend but would consider it with a Fiance. You have to make a choice you are both comfortable with, and in the context of an Fiance you should have a discussion on whether you’d change the arrnagment post marriage.
- If you decided you’ll combine finances, then it doesn’t really matter! You can open a joint account, put all the money in one pot and go on with your lives. THis is clearly not a good idea if you are not committed to forever.
- Assuming you are NOT combining finances, then you should keep a clean seperation. That means that you two should agree on appropriate rent and that you should figure out an appropriate share of groceries and utilities. Keep it clearn by treating it as roommates. None of these “well why should I be paying his morgage” arguments. You should be paying the morgage because he’s the landlord and you are the tenant. If you end up getting married and combining finances it’ll all be moot. If you end up splitting up then you’ll have kept everything clean and no one will have been “taken advantage of.”
SO this leads to the obvious question…how do you decide how much rent is fair? There are so many ways to slice this. TO answer that question I’d want to know if your earnings are roughly similar, if you do in fact have roommates, and if the property itself is similar in price to what you might choose if you two were just going out and renting a place together.
Post # 25
ladyvictoria: Thanks so much! I’m also a grad student and possibly going into a very similar situation.
Post # 26
duchessgummybunns: Yes me too! I’m getting sick of living out of a suitcase and we’re both driving constantly back and forth across the city to stay at eachothers places.. except I rent an apartment and he owns a home. He’s started doing renovations on the house in order for me to move in (it needs a LOT of work right now).
Post # 27
lolabee1986: Here is what has worked for us and what I recommend. My husband and I almost never fight about money and we have a simple system that really works. I might have stolen it from Suze Orman or someone similar, but I can’t remember and don’t mean to plagorize!
Figure out how much joint costs will be: mortgage, utililities, Netflix, groceries, etc.
Figure out how much your joint income is, and pay proportionately into a joint account from which you pay these bills.
For example, let’s say your joint expenses for the month are $2,000.
Let’s say your income is $60,000 and his is $40,000. Again, keeping simple numbers. You make 60% of your joint income, so you transfer over $1,200 each month from your account to the joint account. He transfers over 40%, or $800.
We have found this to be the most fair way to run our household. I do make roughtly 60/40 in our relationship, and I think if I demanded 50/50 he would be struggling, and I wouldn’t want to do that. Since we each have our own accounts, we don’t fight about what I consider frivolous (video games) or what he considers frivolous (manicures, Starbucks) because we both use our own funds for those expenses.
We also have a shared joint savings account that we both contribute to for joint goals.
Post # 28
My SO built our house about a year before we met. I unofficially moved in last January, but gave up my rental last June and officially moved in at that time. It was hard for me to give up my rental (despite barely living there at that point) since I had an amazing landlady, the rent was cheap (unheard of in this city), and the location was great and I knew that if it didn’t work out with SO, I wouldn’t find a unicorn of a place like that again. He assured me he was in it for the long haul so we took the leap and couldn’t be happier.
That said, the place has never felt like ‘ours’ although he insists it is just as much mine now too. We’ve picked out some furniture together and have done a lot of decorating in the last few months, so that’s certainly helped. SO has also taken my dog in as his own too, which was very important to me since I’ve had him for almost 10 years now and giving him up is absolutely not an option.
We were living with a roommate/tenant, but he’s recently moved out. Up until this point, I hadn’t been paying rent, as SO said it would be better for both of us in the long run if I could pay down my student loans faster, but I do contribute with groceries and do most of the cleaning (which I don’t mind – I’m more thorough anyway!). Our home insurance and property tax just went way up though, so I plan on helping with the additional costs.
Since I had already been living with him for a number of months before I officially moved in, I think I got a pretty good sense of our compatibility. We are equally as clean and if something came up that bothered one of us, we would talk about it instead of holding it in, which I think is key.
If you have the option, I definitely recommend doing a ‘trial run’ before you take the plunge – I think you can get a pretty good idea about what it will be like living with the other person and it gives you a chance to work out the kinks before giving up your own place.
Post # 29
My Darling Husband bought the house we live in about 7 years before we met. It was a confirmed bachelor pad. I moved in after three months of dating. For us, I paid rent week by week for awhile before we decided to combine finances. I was in the middle of applying for residency and that was one of the things that was going to help us out. My name is on everything except the house title and we’ve only had a couple of hiccups with finances over the past 4.5 years. I haven’t worked a full-time job in the entire time we’ve been together, so it’s been interesting finding our way to equality. Darling Husband makes way more than I do, but I do a lot of the upkeep on the house, all the cooking, most of the cleaning, etc. Bills have always come out of our joint account and we’ve never bothered with separating who pays for what. There was some concern from his family when we got engaged and I ended up agreeing to a prenup that his mom offered to pay for. We were able to work out a fair agreement for us both, so he feels protected in case something happens, and the same for me. I don’t see it actually being an issue at any point, but at least it’s there. It took awhile for me to begin changing things around the house, but it’s gotten there slowly and is definitely not a bachelor pad anymore. I think the biggest thing is to go in to this kind of situation with open communication. I know that they way we did things wouldn’t work for many people, but it has worked for us.
Post # 30
lolabee1986: my (then) boyfriend had his own house which he hadn’t lived in yet, just rented it out to people. After dating for 3 years we decided to move into that one together as a starter home. It was nice because even though his name only was on the mortgage it still felt like OUR home because neither of us had lived there before. He let me decorate it however I wanted 🙂 Financially, he covered the mortgage, I covered the bills.
We have since gotten married and moved to our forever home where both of our names are on the mortgage.