Iam very independant and willful myself. I dont beleive in men surprising me with a ring, I feel pressured and annoyed at the presumptuousness of it. I don’t like feeling cornered or on display so public proposals are out of the question….I’m also iffy on being approached with jewelry or money from men. I’am fiercly against being bought or ‘kept’.
That said, my fiance had to be VERY careful of his approach to me. Gosh I sound like a female mantis huh? lol Actually he was very sweet and understanding of my feelings on the issue and took baby steps every bit of the way. He even explained that the proposal was HIS way of saying he was committed to ME, that I was under NO obligation and that his expectations would not change once we were married.
He let ME pick and design my ring.
That said, I’am still hopelessly traditional in many ways. It was his idea to ask for my hand from my father, he took me for my birthday to see my dad in California. It meant SO much to me that I did not need to prompt him to ask my father. I see asking for my hand as a show of respect to my family, not ownership or treating me like chattel but it depends on the man in question. I believe even when dating that if a man does not show up to your door or want to meet your parents that most of the time he has no interest in respecting YOU and that extends to marriage as well, only a thief or a dishonest person sneaks!
I was extremely flattered that he wanted to ask for my hand. I also respect my father deeply, he has NEVER tried to tell me what to do, he believes in letting me make my own choices BUT he also beleives in letting me solve my own problems and he supports me in that as well. Dont get me wrong, he will help me if I ever need it but he has never ordered me around past my childhood years or babied me.
That said, my fiance planned a day out for all of us and while I went shopping, he went with my dad for coffee and showed him the ring and told him that he loved me deeply and wanted to take care of me and asked him for his blessing.
My father told me later that he had to keep a straight face over how earnest my fiance was about it all but that he was serious when he told my fiance that it was not his blessing so much as his expectation that I be treated with respect and taken care of because of how special I’am to him. However, he also respected the fact that my fiance behaved like a man with honor. My dad is also old fashioned as well and respects chivalry for what it is, a deference, not a condescension.
My fiance gave me pretty much the same story later on and all I know is that by the time they found me, they were both happy and making a fuss over me but not mentioning the reason.
I was so nervous about what my dad would say and I was so releived when they came back. In a way, it was better than a proposal. I was deeply moved. I had nothing to do with that moment, I trusted my father to speak his mind and act in my best interest and for my fiance to respect him and in so doing, respecting me as well.
NOW, if my dad had said ‘no’, I would have gone with that and he would have told me why. I would have told him how I felt and why but if he stuck to his guns then I would have gone home, WITH my fiance, waited another year and tried again. Beyond that I cant say what I would do but I also thought my dad would approve. I would not bring home a man who I felt was not being genuine or good for me. My dad mentioned that as well.
SO, thats my story and I’m sticking to it!