(Closed) Have any of you ever been "the other woman"?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
860 posts
Busy bee

I was the other women and I did know it. 

My now Fiance was seperated from his wife when we got together; they are now divorced and he has cut off all communication from her even though she still tries to wiggle her way in to our life.

It did cause problems in the start of our relationship because so many people told me that I was a idiot for hanging around with a man who was ‘seperated’ and I believed them in some moments. He was really good with keeping me updated with all the divorce things and showing me the paperwork; which helped ease my mind. 

Now we are living together and engaged; so things worked out in the end. 

Post # 17
Member
1624 posts
Bumble bee

I was the other woman in an emotional affair. I was young and incredibly naive, thinking that because he was very forthcoming about his wife and child, and we never did anything physical, it was just a harmless friendship. Before I knew it, lines got crossed and I got alarmed at how far things had escalated. I cut ties abruptly because I was very scared, and felt terrible and incredibly guilty. 

I always cringe when I read threads about Bees who develop crushes while in a committed relationship. It is a very slippery slope, and things can turn not-so-innocent very quickly. 

Post # 18
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Yes, I have been “the other woman”. I was 18 at the time, so please cut me some slack.

Was it right? NO!

Do I regret it? Yes!

At the time I felt it was his business and I had no empathy for anyone involved (in typical post-pubescent fashion) But, no. I would never do that to another woman again. It was just so lacking in respect and solidarity. It doesn’t matter how crappy someone’s relationship is, I have no business being the “silent partner” in it.  It was wrong and I regret it.

(btw: we didn’t get caught or anything. It ended and I never found out what became of the relationship but I have reflected on this a lot over the years. I was a jerk.)

Post # 19
Member
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

marynicole:  That broke my heart about your coworker years ago.  What an awful first relationship experience all the way around.

Post # 20
Member
6865 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I’ll bite. I was once the other woman. And I did know it. They weren’t married or anything, but it was still a shitty thing to do.

It was my first “relationship” after my ex had broken up with me and I basically thought I’d never be happy again and my life was over. It feels so stupid typing that now!  But I was horribly depressed and this guy was sooo sweet to me. Anyway, I somehow feel into a thing with this guy. I dont even remember exactly but he seemed somehow like the perfect guy except for that minor flaw of already being in a relationship. He’d constantly talk about how much he wanted to break up with his gf but they had been together for so long he just didn’t know how. Blah blah blah. It went on for about a month until I put my foot down and said we were done unless he broke up with her. Well, he called the next day saying he did it! At least, thats what he said. I’ve always had the sneaking suspicion that he was lying about that. I was (stupidly) so happy at the time. We dated for about one more month until it all fell apart. My friends kept telling me the whole “once a cheater, always a cheater” thing but I didn’t want to hear it. After a month he broke up with me and went back to his gf. That’s why I think he never really did break it off in the first place. I was just a fun distraction for him. 

It was so long ago and I feel so dumb and horrible for having been involved. But it’s part of my past and I have owned up to it. Fiance knows the whole story. It’s never something I’d do ever again. I feel SO STUPID about it all. And horrible for the girl even though I never met her. Though of course at the time I had myself convinced she was a crazy bitch. Ugh! What an idiot!

Post # 21
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I was once without knowing it.  This guy was always over at my house, brought his kids around all the time and told me that him and his wife were in the middle of a divorce and not living together.  Then one day after about 5 months I got a phone call from his wife telling me to stay away from him.  We had a long talk and she told me all of his lies and I told her everything.  I felt really bad for her.  I got out of that relationship immediately but he kept coming back to me begging me to stay, saying he was going to leave her that she was lying etc.  They stayed together and tried to make it work but eventually divorced and she is now remarried.

There was a woman who lived next to my ex-MIL who was the other woman.  Apparently she had been the other woman for YEARS and he bought her the house she lived in, her car, paid all of her expenses etc.  She was a RAGING alcoholic.  My ex-MIL actually ended up moving because this woman would drive drunk all the time, crash into the curb when parking, stumble down the street.  It was really sad what living that life did to that woman.

Post # 22
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Not proud to admit it but in a way I was the other woman and he was the other man. 

After some difficulties in my marriage, I found out that my now ex-husband had cheated on me, both emotionally and physically with different women. I checked out of the relationship, and told him so, but because of our daughter, we decided to at least go to counseling and see if anything could be done. However, I had confided on a friend everything that happened between us and he confided in me that his relationship was also in terrible shape (she was much older than him). In the process of being each other’s shoulders to cry on, we fell in love. But I won’t lie. At that point I was separated from my husband, not divorced, and he hadn’t broken things off completely. We took a step back to analyze things and make sure we weren’t just rebounding, but we couldn’t stay apart for too long. I admitted to my ex what was going on and submitted the divorce papers. He admitted to his ex and they ended things. We decided to try things, and I can say that at least for me it worked out because we turn 5 years together today and we’re marrying next March. My family loves him, he loves my daughter and my daughter loves him, and I am honestly the happiest I have ever been. But do I feel proud about how everything started? Not so much. If the outcome would’ve still been what it is now, I would’ve done things differently and he has admitted that he would’ve too. 

Post # 23
Member
2870 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I have been the other woman. This was years ago, I was barely 22 if I remember. I was a supervisor and this person was below me, with a girlfriend and a child. I was young and stupid, thinking fairy tales would happen and we would be together riding off into the sunset. Sadly it didn’t happen that way. We did have a very strong connection but he wouldn’t leave her. One, she was verbally and physically abuse to him and he didn’t want his daughter alone with her. She actually came into our job looking for me. In the end, it didn’t work. We split and I was heartbroken. For months I figured he would come back to me, but didn’t. I haven’t seen him since then thankfully. And now I’m married to the man I want 🙂

Post # 24
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I was once the other woman without knowing. 

I dated a guy who was 10 years my senior. He told me he was divorced and that he and his “ex-wife” had 2 children who he “had custody of” and she lived in a different city.

I even met his children as “daddy’s friend”, which really shows what a terrible human being he is.

Anyway, at the end of the summer he got a new phone and was showing it to me, when I noticed he had the instagram app on his phone. We had previously talked about how we were both anti-social media so I noticed it straight away (he also got the same phone as I already had so I know for a fact that the phone doesn’t come with instagram). I didn’t say anything at the time but as soon as I got home I actually downloaded the app, had to create an account and searched his name. It took all of 30 seconds to find his account which was under his real name and completely open. His bio also read “married to @wife’s name with 2 beautiful kids”. His instagram was filled with pictures of himself with his wife and kids…

So I met up with him and I asked again if he was married, he said no and I simply told him that I know for a fact that he is still married. I didn’t say how I knew but he came clean and said “it’s complicated, we have 2 children but I love you etc etc blah blah”. I told him I never wanted to see him again and I haven’t since.

I still wonder what he told his wife about his whereabouts? We would stay out late and he would stay at mine…maybe she had suspicions but ignored them? I also wonder if his children ever mentioned meeting “daddy’s friend”.

I met FH about 6 months later so it all worked out in the end!

My sister has been the other woman twice and both times she knew but believed their lies about leaving their current girlfriends.

My best friend was actually the cheater in her relationship, I did NOT support this despite the fact that I disliked her boyfriend and their relationship was pretty toxic. She discontinued the affair and stayed with her boyfriend. Needless to say, their 5 year relationship ended when she found out that he had TWO other girlfriends!!!

Post # 25
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

acsweetpea:  OMG, brought his kids around!??! oh wow. How awful for those children. 🙁

Post # 26
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Woof, yes, one time. I was 22, studying abroad, and became best friends with one of my classmates who had a girlfriend across the pond. It quickly developed into an emotional affair. We hung out all the time, and would talk nightly on the phone about everything and nothing. I was madly in love with him and just pathetically waiting around for him to break up with his gf, which he never did. Finally after almost a year of this, towards the end of our program, we started hooking up. It happened a handful of times. I thought this must be it! He’s going to break up with her now! Nope…..after the program ended he went back to her. I was furious and it ruined our friendship. They did eventually break up but I doubt it had anything to do with me.

Honestly I didn’t feel any guilt at the time. I was in love with him and had tunnel vision. Almost 10 yrs have passed since that dark period in my life, and now I feel shame at my behavior. I feel guilt for being the other woman, and also guilt for not respecting myself more.

Post # 27
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

Not exactly, but kind of. A friend of mine and I had met about 8 years prior but never dated. We ended up meeting others and each got married. My marriage didn’t last long and luckily the divorce was simple enough, as far as divorces go (no property, no kids, etc). His was tougher. I found out around the same time his then pregnant wife was unhappy and wanted out but since she was pregnant had to wait until the baby was born. So they separated. He and I started hanging out, etc. it wasnt exactly an affair since they were separated and whatnot but I still felt like crap. He wanted it a secret, it was all on the sly, and then later she wanted to work things out so I was dropped like a hot potato. Ironically that didn’t last long. But I refused to be part again. And that was enough for me. So while it wanst exactly the case, it was close enough for me to know I could never do that again or be in that position. 

Post # 28
Member
2899 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I don’t think I ever was but a friend of mine from college was multiple times, all knowingly.

She always targeted older men that either had girlfriends or were already married and she made the first move.  I don’t know why she did as she was very pretty and men fawned all over her.  The first I knew about was her tennis coach in college (she was on the tennis team so it was natural they spent a lot of time together).  He was engaged and her friends all knew that they were sleeping together.  He finally ended it after a few months because he couldn’t take the guilt.

She then went through a string of college guys that all had girlfriends back home.  I think she was just using them for sex as none of these guys ever came around her friends to hang out.

She then started seeing her English teaching assistant.  This one she tried to keep a little more hush hush as he could have lost his job and she would deny seeing him if asked, but we all knew they were together.  Their relationship lasted most of college and he finally separated from his wife right before we graduated.  I lost touch with her, but last I heard they did get married and have been married for like 6 or 7 years now.

Post # 29
Member
4090 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I was, unknowingly. Once I found out I walked. She knew that I existed, but never knew who I was. 

I don’t regret it bc I genuinely didn’t realize anything was wrong,  and once I did, I handled it.

Post # 30
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Shesaidyes:  That’s part of what blind sided me.  I mean he brought his kids around, it wasn’t even on my radar that he was still very much married because I mean who would do that?  Unfortunately I now see that it isn’t that unusual.  FI’s ex best man is married and brings his kids around his new gf (my soon to be ex MOH) all the time…..this is why they are exBM and soon to be exMOH.  It’s just completely selfish and irresponsible.

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