This started off as a response, but it turned more into a looong journal entry/reflection for myself. You have been warned
I think that I may have accidentally been the other woman when I was 21. He lived 2 hours away from where I was attending university at the time, and he seemed like the perfect guy – he aspired to be a pastor, he had manners and a quirky sense of humour – and I was totally blind to what I should have considered to be red flags.
0. He demanded nude photos – and sent nude photos too – this from an aspiring pastor! And got mad when I did send him photos that were revealing and playful but not nude – and he wanted more than that (he wanted stuff on the phone too…..). This should have been a neon warning sign with alarm bells!
1. He never allowed me to initiate contact after office hours. He got mad when I phoned him to check how he was doing after a can of benzene (or something) exploded in his hand that day.
2. During office hours, we could only ever chat on Facebook – he supposedly did not have any other chat programmes available on his phone – so it was either SMS, NNS, phonecall or Facebook chat.
3. When he did make contact – it would be at the most random hours – like 3 AM on a Sunday morning! He actually sent a missed call which woke me up, and then called again to chat at that ungodly hour. (Like who does that if they actually had any respect?)
4. His stories did not add up – he supposedly got retrenched, yet he drove a nice car. He supposedly told his friends about me, but I should never contact him myself especially when his friends are around. He’s supposed to be godly, yet he was into porn, sexting and other stuff.
5. He made these grand promises – that he would take me to meet his parents, that we should do the Fireproof relationship course together etc – of course nothing came of it because
6. He disappeared into thin air a couple of months after we started contacting each other. He moved to the city where his now-wife lives soon after he ghosted me, and they got married about eight months or so later.
I am not doubting that it is very possible to meet someone, fall in love, get engaged and married within 9 months. But it doesn’t feel like it in this case – don’t think it was a coincidence that his wife and I studied the exact same thing, and that we both come from similar backgrounds and from the same city (although she and I are from different cultures).
Oh, and the thing that should have been like a neon sign (without the warning bells) to me? He got mad when I told him that I told my pastor about him and the photo shenanigans (I wanted to come clean for my own sanity’s sake). He said that what was between the two of us had nothing to do with the pastor or with God – and this came from an aspiring pastor. And around the same time, he actually made a music video/love song tribute to another special woman in his life – someone in a different country (and not his now-wife or myself)
Looking back now, I think I should have known better than to get involved with someone who seemed “so nice”. I also think that I was just the temp replacement for the time he was away from his now-wife who was on the other side of the country – until I nearly busted him to my pastor – and that made him turn so mean. I doubt that I was the only person he had a fling with at that time- would anyone write a love song tribute to a platonic friend? Highly doubt it.
Anyways, years have passed since then, he and I lived in the same city after I moved home – and thankfully, I never bumped into him. Last I checked, he did go to seminary, and I do pray that he will make a good pastor – not a pastor that will blow up at people, not a pastor who does not actually want to live by the word he teaches, and definitely not a poly-relationship pastor! There were times when I was angry that he took me for a fool, but as I grew up, I realised that all the stuff he had done will probably eventually catch up to him (unless if he really repented and turned into an angel now)
Sorry that this was so long – this post reminded me of something, and I took this as a reflection exercise (don’t particularly want to write this in my journal, in case someone picks it up). If you read it, thank you, if you didn’t, it’s alright too 🙂