(Closed) Have found out my SO has been cheating on me. Can our relationship still work?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

You seem to be really justifying what she did and excusing her behavior, blaming much of it on the man she was cheating with. If you want to marry her it’s your life, but personally I don’t think it’s the best way to start a future with someone. I mean really, there has been some sort of infidelity present in your relationship since it started, from both of you. If you want to stay together, stay together, but marriage is a huge commitment to be making. I wouldn’t proceed without some serious counseling at the very least. And please reconsider bringing a child into this scenario.

Post # 4
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Only you know what will work for you. As @KatyElle said, there has been infidelity throughout the relationship and relationships are built on trust. I guess it depends on whether or not you are both committed to making it work and to being faithful. And whether you can both forgive and move on. Personally, I don’t think I could do that, but every person is different and no one really knows what they’ll do in a situatuion like this until they’re in it.

Post # 5
Member
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@moof: I will start with saying it isn’t fair of you to say once a cheater always a cheater–considering you cheated on her yourself. That being said I would not even think about getting married or having children at this point. That’s putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound.

You might want to stop by survivinginfidelity.com as they have forums tailored specifically for times like these.

I can’t say whether you should leave or not, because I don’t know her and there are always two sides to every story, but I don’t think it’s okay for her to cheat just because she wasn’t sure that you really loved her or not whatever that means. I will also say that if you don’t think you can continue in this relationship without constantly thinking about the infidelity or nagging her about it then you need to re-evaluate staying because it will only end badly. Good luck. 

Post # 7
Member
6021 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@moof: I think that if both people want a situation to change and to work that it is possible for things to work out. I would not be talking about marriage at this point because I would want to be sure that things are going to improve and get to a healthier place first. Marriage is more than just loving each other. It requires trust and a good solid healthy foundation. It does not seem to me that you two have that just yet. But you do have the desire. I think for trust to be rebuilt there has to be a great deal of transparency in a relationship at least for a while so that each of you can be confident that each of you is doing exactly what you say you are. That is just part of it. There has to be so much communication and compromise. I have come out of a situation just like yours and it did not work for us. But I do know couples that have had trouble with infidelity and are now in wonderful loving trusting relationships and have truly survived that kind of betrayal. Talk with her and be brutally honest about what you need and want both now and in the future and work together to figure out if you can each be and do what the other person needs. Good luck and I hope this works out in the best way possible for you to find happiness in the future.

Post # 8
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My Fiance and I talk about infidelity and each of us being “stolen” away from the other.  It’s a fear I have that someone will “steal” him away.  so I have insecurities, so sue me.

He told me that no one can “steal” someone away.  It’s ALWAYS A CHOICE.  

You chose to cheat on her.  You said it yourself.  If you didn’t view it as that, even before you were serious, you wouldn’t have used the word “cheat”.  

It was HER choice to cheat on you.  

Now, it has to be HER CHOICE AND YOURS to stay together.  You have to choose if you can look past HER infidelity AND YOURS more on.  SHE has to do the same.

Is it possible to make it work?  Yes.  If you both so choose to work hard and make sure it works.  

Counciling would help, but it always comes back to the choices we all make.

 

and, for what it’s worth, I know in my heart that no matter WHO throws themselves at my Fiance, he won’t make the choice to cheat on me.  Just as I would never choose to cheat on him.  Amazing what open conversations can do, huh? 

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