(Closed) Have I made it clear enough? Or have I taken it too far?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I would say maybe tone it down?  You’ve only been living together 3 weeks.  That’s a big adjustment for people!!

Post # 5
Member
1294 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think you should tell him how you are feeling instead of little hints here and there at this point., Are you serious about moving out by christmas? If so it would be unfair just to joke about it

Post # 7
Member
5959 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Um….I kinda get where your coming from, but totally disagree with this method.  You love and adore this man, that is great, you want a commitment from him, also great, you feel entitled to nag, nudge, threaten (however blithely), and push until he does so….that sounds romantic….ever heard of a later bloomer?  Everybody has got their own timeline for things, their own way of getting around to things, and when another person starts to interfere, regardless of motive, resistance is the only response….if you want a proposal from this man, you have to trust that it’s going to happen, and it is going to happen, HIS way.  The only alternative is for you to propose, and I don’t see that happening.

While you are fixated on this one thing, you are literally missing your life.  You love this person and want to be with him the rest of your life, which is happening right now!!  Even though you aren’t engaged, your still together…if you feel like you need this by Christmas that’s fine, keep it to yourself, or he might just help you pack for Thanksgiving. 

 

Post # 9
Member
9674 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@allyouneedislove:   You seem to be pressuring him but what you’ve been doing so far isn’t working.  It may never work unless you make some changes in your behavior towards him.

From what you said the feeling I get is: 

You’re comparing your cousin to him and the cousin is coming out on the winning side of the comparison.

You’re critical of him (how you view his handling the car needing a repair example).

You admittedly behaved psycho and bitchy towards him prior to moving in.

You made a lot of sacrifices to move in with him and I’m betting you’ve reminded him of that at least a time or three.

You moved in without a proposal although you’d said you would not move in without a proposal.

You’ve threatened to move out by Christmas.

You left a pic of an e-ring on the computer screen for him to find.  Obvious much?

You didn’t mention anything good about him or that you love him, just that you want him to propose to you, buy you an e-ring and get engaged.

I’d say you’re being extremely clear about your needs.  What about his needs?

If you were him, how would you be feeling?

Please tell more about why you love this man, why you want to marry him and how you show your affection for him daily.  What makes him know you are his best friend in the entire world, that you see him as your Knight in Shining Armor, your hero?  Do his eyes light up when he sees you because he knows you’re going to give him a big hug and kiss and say something funny to make him laugh?

Keeping up the intense pressure isn’t likely to speed up the engagement process.  Try changing your approach, it might work.

 

 

Post # 11
Member
9674 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@allyouneedislove:   Please keep in mind that a man wanst and needs to be seen as a hero in the eyes of the woman he loves.  Not sure why they’re that way, but every man I’ve ever known is hard-wired like that, if they’re a good man.

Point out his good qualities (to him) and how much you love him for who he is as a person, not just what he can do for you. 

I’m sure you love him very much which is why you want to marry him.  Don’t lose sight of why you fell in love with him in the first place. 

I know, I know – it’s the sparkles!  We’re like a lot of little birdies – drawn to the sparklies!  They’re mesmerizing …  🙂

Post # 13
Member
5959 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

You can be defensive if you want to, it’s not going to hurt my feelings, it’s just…as a born procrastinator and a person who likes to do things in their own time…I can honestly say that a fun or friendly hint, usually lands on the bad side of my perception, simply because I really believe in letting people do things in their own time….it’s the only way to guarantee a genuine experience.  The more inference there is, however good natured, the more diminished the other person’s action are because you don’t know if their motivations are purely self created, or if it’s in an attempt to avoid further interaction from outside sources….you have your reasons, and they are valid, but so does he.

Post # 14
Member
9674 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@allyouneedislove:   This isn’t exclusively about him, either.  Of course your needs count just as much as his do.

Enjoy your relationship, yes.  But don’t give him all the time in the world to make up his mind.  Has he shared his reasons for his hesitation to get engaged?  Are they financial?  Is he just being responsible?

I think a better approach than dropping hints and leaving computer screens with e-ring pictures up is to talk with him calmly about what you want and need.  And be willing to really listen to his point of view as well.

If you’re willing to compromise on the price of an e-ring and not have him spend thousands maybe he’ll be more open to the idea.  Only you can know what your heart’s desire is when it comes to an e-ring, everyone has something different in mind.  He might want to please you so badly that he’s a little afraid of displeasing you by choosing the wrong thing.

But don’t let him put you off indefinitely, you two really need to have a talk about this in a mature and rational way.  It’s your life, too, not just his, and you have the right to know which direction it’s headed.

Post # 16
Member
578 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I think you’re taking it too far AND not making it clear enough.  You say you’ve been explicit about what you needed from him in order to move in with him… but you seem to be on the fence about leavng by Christmas and you’re teasing him with it.  If you have a strict timeline you wanted to follow, that should have been part of your discussion before you moved in.  If you were clear about it, then he should already know what he needs to do and there’s no need to be anxious about it unless a deadline passes and he doesn’t meet it.  If, in the past 3 weeks, you’ve changed your mind about something you’d discussed previously, you need to bring it up with him in a serious conversation.  IMO, joking about this kind of thing is taking it too far.  It’s confusing for men, they don’t know what you really mean, and it’s nerve-wracking for you because you feel like you’ve communicated something when you really haven’t.  I would stop with the joking and hints and either talk to him outright or let it go and trust him.

Going from a LDR to living together is a big adjustment, I know.  I did it before engagement, and I know what a big sacrifice it is.  You’ve upended your entire life to be with him and you’re looking to him to provide stability by making a committment.  On the other hand, it may actually be a harder adjustment for him than it is for you because he has to get used to a big change in the context of his old life.  So I would say give him time to adjust and don’t pressure him.  BUT you should definitely discuss your feelings with him (and vice versa) to help both of you feel better.  Think of ways that would help both of you feel more committed and “in this together” that don’t require being engaged.  

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