- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
Hey girls – I’m hoping someone can convince me that I’m way overreacting or at least let me know that I’m not alone.
Long story short – I’m married and both my husband and I are completely ready for a baby emotionally, financially, etc. I’ve been off of birth control for about 3 months and this month we were planning on TTC. Initially, I was REALLY excited about this and, since I’m very research-oriented, I started reading up on childbirth, etc…and this is where things turned bad, and I almost wish I hadn’t done any of this.
I watched several birthing videos, read about statistics on medication during labor, complications, etc. Now, I am completely and utterly terrified, not so much of being pregnant or being an actual mother – that I am actually excited about – but the physical act of giving birth is giving me so much anxiety. I am rather small, and what terrifies me the most is completely tearing during childbirth to the point where I will never want to go through it again. All of these stories about women having 3rd and 4th degree tears have scared the crap out of me. And the fact that they say they are terrified to have another child after this, scares me ever more. I have no doubt that any pain will be worth it in the end, but the thought of not even being able to use the bathroom without crying for months on end is giving me so much anxiety. It is literally the last thing I think about when I go to bed and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I can’t even concentrate at work.
Anyway, I was so freaked out this month when the time to actually “try”, that I started crying and told my husband I couldn’t do it. He is very understanding and is in no way pressuring me, but I can’t help but feel like a complete failure as a wife and woman.
I know I just need to accept that anything may happen and suck it up, but I’m so terrified that I will have so much anxiety that I won’t even be able to feel excited when I do wind of pregnant and my whole pregnancy is going to be spent worrying about what’s going to happen at the end of nine months. I’m generally a very positive person, but I’m really not sure how to stop thining like this. And I know that stress and thinking like this would only make a pregnancy 10x’s worse.
Anyone else have a similar experience? And hopefully magically stopped thinking like this the moment they became pregnant?