Post # 1
I have been with my SO for almost 8 years since we were 17 and 18. Now I’m 26 we have lived together since we were 19. We have a 14 month baby that was planned and everything relationship wise is good. We don’t fight and hardly argue our parenting goals are the same. We live at his mother’s ranch house by ourselves (she lives in town we run the property) and have been here for 5 years. The problem….I want to get married or at least engaged he is afraid of any change and has the mindset “why buy the cow when the milk is free?” His parents went thru a nasty divorce and his father won custody and basically kept him away from his mom till he was 16 so marriage scares him. I don’t know how to shake him loose. My parents also had a nasty divorce but it doesn’t effect me the same. When I ask him about marriage the answer is always “someday” for about 3 years now lol. He wants another baby I don’t want to get pregnant again without getting married I went and got the arm bc to make sure I didn’t get pregnant on accident. Here’s the biggest kicker…. he has a ring. I found the statement a few months ago he bought it last Christmas….then I saw a note thing on his iPhone from April (I’m not a snooper btw the statement came to the mailbox lol and I was looking for his eBay pw in his notes and saw this) it was a big long thing that was maybe going to be sent to me and he never did. It said he loved me more than anything and that he does want to get married he’s just not ready blah blah blah he knows he doesn’t act like it but marriage is very important to him) which leads me to believe even though he bought it an engagement could still be years away. he doesn’t know I know about the ring or about the note. 8 years should be plenty of time to know if I’m the one. I told him for legal reasons we should get married he just brushes the subject off. So frusterating. I love him very much. I don’t pester him on the subject much but he have talked in depth and I feel like im.just going in circles with him. He is the BEST dad in the world and I will gladly have more children with him I don’t know if me holding out on more is a bad thing either…. help lol
Post # 2
“Honey, you don’t want to get married because we might get divorced. That is a big maybe. What is definate is that I will leave you if we don’t get married some time soon. I know you are scared. You need to get into therapy ASAP to deal with your parent’s divorce before it does more damage to our relationship.”
Post # 3
If you are interested in marriage, and you know that he has the milka nd cow attitude, why did you have a baby with him before you had a ring and a date?
Post # 4
Don’t have another child with him. It’s unfair that he expects you to keep popping out kids, but won’t commit to you on a legal level.
Flat out tell him that if you don’t get a proposal, he doesn’t get more kids from you.
Post # 5
- Wedding: May 2018 - City, State
Why don’t people realize kids are more permanent than marriage? I don’t understand people who won’t commit because of commitment issues after having a kid.
Post # 6
Feels like this is something you should have talked about before you planned a kid.
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
I will say to you what my husband said to me… He’s not afraid of marriage – he’s afraid of divorce!
This was my DH’s biggest hang up on getting engaged. He was terrified of the consequences if it didn’t work out; and after seeing what his mom put his dad through, I don’t blame him for that fear.
But, what you need to do is talk to him about what would happen if things didn’t work out between you and explain that you aren’t his parents and there are other ways to handle that. My husband got lucky because he married a religious person who doesn’t believe in divorce, but that’s a whole separate conversation. 🙂
Post # 9
I get this! I really do! I’m a waitingbee who has someone in my life that is just amazing with my son. He has really been selfless by giving so much to the two of us. But you are totally in the right to demand this attitude change. I say keep holding off on kid #2. If he’s not changing his mind, than you shouldn’t either. When he asks, explain to him why you’re not ready for baby #2. You’re not ready to bring another child in this relationship until we fix these commitment issues you have with marriage. When he’s ready, then revisit the topic of baby #2.
Post # 10
you planned a kid before marriage? I can’t exactly feel bad for either of you. Now there is a child involved. Not sure why people these days think marriage means nothing “just a piece of paper” but continue to reproduce outside of marriage.
you made your bed.
Post # 11
- Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France
no ring on the finger, MUST NOT LINGER
Post # 12
Thank you everyone for your responses. I agree he is way more terrified to get divorced then the actual marriage. He bought the ring already so he must be planning on asking eventually. I wish he would talk to someone about what his father put him through they made his mom out to be a horrible person which was the farthiest from the truth. Having a child out of wedlock was our choice and our daughter is the biggest joy I just don’t know how to talk to him in a way to loosen him up with out nagging or ultimatums. We have never broke up in the 8 years we’ve been together it’s a VERY solid relationship.
Post # 14
HMC13: Please tell me he has never actually said, “why the buy the cow when the milk is free.” It’s bad enough he has that attitude, but if he ever said it, I would have to smack him with how disrespectful that is.
Anyway, sorry to tell you this, but your relationship isn’t as solid as you might think it is if you aren’t on the same page. If you want marriage and he doesn’t want to commit, then there is a problem. If he thinks of you like getting free milk, there is a problem.
It’s time to really evaluate what you want and need in a relationship. Then, figure out if you are going to be able to get that from this relationship.
Being together for 8 years and not breaking up is a start, but does not necessarily mean you are happy and fulfilled. Clearly, you aren’t, otherwise you wouldn’t be posting here about your desires for more.
Communicate with him and ask him own up to his committment. If he truly doesn’t want that, then it may be time to move on.
Best of luck OP