Post # 1
On the day we got engaged, Fiance said that he thought it would be a better idea if I kept my own name when we got married. His reasoning: To an extent, I already have made a name for myself professionally, and when people try to look me up online, they look for my current first and last name. Secondly, (however flawed this thinking may be) he says he loves me for how independent I am, and to take his last name would be to surrender part of myself (again, he said this, not me!). I told him that since we’re planning on having kids, I want to change my name. If babies are coming out of me, I’d be damned if they didn’t have my last name! Lol.
Anyway, I’ve floated the no-name-change idea with some people. A family member told me it would be “disrespectful to him” to not take his last name, even though he suggested it. Just now, a co-worker overheard me having this conversation, and said that this meant I am not committed to the marriage working (which SERIOUSLY made me mad), that it showed who wore the pants in the relationship and that he would break up with someone if she didn’t agree to take his last name.
Long story short: It makes me SO MAD when people interject their personal bullsh*t into a decision that should be as non-controversial as picking out what kind of cake we want. And for the record: Fiance SUGGESTED IT! This isn’t even me expressing myself as an individual, it was HIS idea to make my professional life easier. And I sincerely appreciate his desire to see me succeed professionally. To suggest this makes Fiance less of a man infuriates me. Sorry that he sees me as an entity outside of his property, unlike my co-worker. Anyway, this shouldn’t cause all this blowback from people in NO WAY involved in our relationship. This is a personal decision with no right or wrong answer. It is simply a choice, not a moral battle.
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2013 - Old Stone House in Brookyn
@LizLemon: Just now, a co-worker overheard me having this conversation, and said that this meant I am not committed to the marriage working (which SERIOUSLY made me mad), that it showed who wore the pants in the relationship and that he would break up with someone if she didn’t agree to take his last name.
I’d be snarky and say “Good thing I would never date you!”
In all seriousness, that is totally ridiculous and your coworkers needs to mind his own business. Plus, your Fiance sounds awesome.
Post # 4
Hahaha, thanks, @jeangenie: I think he’s pretty awesome, too! 🙂
Post # 5
If your husband is totally cool with it (which he should be!) anyone else can shut up. How incredibly RUDE to tell you that you are being disrespectful and not committed to the marriage. Wow, I just can’t imagine someone saying that to you!
Post # 6
Oh gosh… I’m sorry. I kept my maiden name too and I really haven’t gotten too much crap for it. I get the occasion strange look from medical people and such (since my insurance and everything is through my husband), but I think that is more confusion than anything.
Anyway, your co-worker is a douche. Just ignore him. As long as you and your Fiance are happy with the situation, that’s all that matters.
Post # 7
OMG YES. I have been SO annoyed by this crap recently, I totally understand where you’re coming from. My Fiance has always known since we’ve been dating that I would keep my name (my mom kept hers and that wasn’t even common then!) and he has absolutely no problem with it. But he told me recently that he happened to mention it to three of his male colleagues, all of whom are married, and they ALL said, “Wow, I think that would be a dealbreaker for me.” Wtf? Are you kidding me?! You have a fabulous relationship, you want to marry a girl, and then you decide not to because she won’t change her name? PLEASE. I told my Fiance, well, if you said not changing my name would be a dealbreaker, THAT would be a dealbreaker for me, haha. The worst part is that they are all in their early thirties. So it’s not like they have the excuse of being old-fashioned or anything. If I’d been there I would’ve been tempted to say, wow it really seems like you’re overcompensating for some insecurity by making this such an issue…
I remember this awesome article I once read about this couple who wanted to have the same last name so they held a softball game between their two families. They would take the name of whichever family won. The guy’s family won, but he was just as prepared to take her name. I thought that was the cutest thing ever and the only fair way to do it!
Post # 8
I kept my maiden name legally and professionally. I just don’t make a big deal out of it. I didn’t tell anyone at work ahead of the wedding what I planned on doing and when we got back, I just kept on with my name on e-mails and stuff and no one said boo.
If in personal life, people call me Mrs. Darling Husband, I don’t correct them, I just go with it.
Basically call me whatever you want, just don’t call me late for dinner! lol But seriously, I find that people only make a big deal out of it when I make a statement about it.
Post # 9
Ugh, I just cannot understand people sometimes. I am sorry that you are dealing with such an unnecessary frustration and yes I too have had my share of comments as well.
I am at a loss at why some people are so intent on having everyone do as they do. Just because I choose to not take my husband’s name doesn’t in any way affect YOUR marriage. You do what you need to do and I will live my life over here, okay?
My Future Mother-In-Law has made comments and I just brush them off. If anything I will hyphenate when we have children to alleviate potential issues. Otherwise I am to be my husband’s wife regardless of my last name. Case closed.
Post # 10
My dad and some other members of my family had a problem with me NOT keeping my last name. My dad even suggested that my husband take my name instead. Pretty sure this had something to do with me being an only child, but it was still irritating to have other people throwing their 2 cents into this very personal deciscion. Do what you feel is right. There are plenty of good marriages with two last names, and plenty of bad marriages with same names, and vice versa. People need to butt out. This is between you and your Fiance, bottom line.
Post # 11
I decided to keep my name and hubby doesn’t care at all. People call him by my last name all the time assuming that he’s Mr and i’m Mrs. When I drop off my car for service and he picks it up, they call him by my last name. One person even told him once that I’m not planning on keeping him. How rude! I don’t get that as much because people assume that my last name is my husband’s. It annoys me but I don’t let it get to me. Don’t worry about other people they will talk and talk whenever something is not black or white.
Post # 12
I kept my maiden name and didn’t float the idea with anyone other than Darling Husband – so, that could be why I didn’t get that type of feedback.
I have heard that reasoning before, however – but don’t think I heard it personally because I didn’t entertain the conversations!
ETA: I think the ONLY person that has a voice in the discussion is your FI! If he’s fine with it – then screw what anyone else says!
Post # 13
Yeah, I see what a lot of you were saying. I think I may have been misguided in thinking that people would give constructive feedback (as in, have you thought about taxes? what name will you get a passport under?, etc.) instead of visceral, illogical comments. I know now to keep it to myself! Thanks, guys.