Have You and Your Partner Defined Cheating?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Hostess
3772 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

We have had many open, honest conversations about where “the line” lies for us. We are both flirtatious, somewhat monogamously-challenged people. I have been called pretty horrible things here on the Bee many times, and told that I am doing a disservice to the institution of marriage due to where my boundaries lie lol. Flirting is fine. Porn is fine. Opposite sex friendships are fine. Friendships with exes are fine. We even discuss fleeting crushes that occur. I think the totally open lines of communication help keep things out in the open for us. I think taking that rush of the forbidden out of it really helps, nothing is off the table as far as discussion. 

Although there are plenty of things on that particular list that would be inappropriate in our relationship! Don’t have sex with other people. We have discussed that perhaps at some point in our marriage we may slightly open it up, but for now, we really are sexually monogamous and content in that choice. No sexual conversations, photos, or discussion of fantasies with other people. It is one thing to say to D H that I think Joe is hot. It is another thing entirely to tell Joe I think he is hot! It is one thing to flirt with the hot butcher at the grocery store, another thing entirely to tell said hot butcher I am single and give him my number. 

Our boundaries may be far wider than those in other relationships, but they are still defined, and we both still adhere to them. 

Post # 3
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

Cheating, in my mind, is really doing anything you feel the need to hide from your partner. Even if it’s something as (to some) small as an intimate conversation. Porn, to me, is fine. It’s all a fantasy; it’s not like you will get to have sex with these people in real life. In my opinion, I would be far more hurt by a deep emotional affair than a drunken kiss in a nightclub. 

Post # 5
Member
1353 posts
Bumble bee

Never. I’ve never felt threatened or insecure in my relationship. We’ve never had to draw the line in the sand because we both are on the same page and trust each other. In my opinion, if you are doing something where you have to question it, then its probably crossing the line. Seeking emotional/physical attention and relationships outside of your spouse would be cheating in my book.

Post # 6
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

newgirldee :  This is exactly what my husband and I have discussed. We shouldn’t do anything we aren’t 100% comfortable telling each other about.

If you have to hide what you’re doing, you’re betraying your partner IMO. 

Post # 7
Hostess
3772 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

sassy411 :  Oh, that man is my person. We’ve been married for 2 years, together for 4 and I still get all *swoon* when I think about the fact that I get to spend my life with him! 

Post # 8
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Wedgewood Las Vegas

The real question to me would be this: Who doesn’t take the time to discuss boundaries and define ‘cheating’ before getting married?

Maybe I’m weird, but I thought these type of discussions occur in the dating stage…not after marriage.

My hubby and I have had lots of discussions on what is appropriate behavior for both of us and what isn’t. This was all discussed in detail when we decided to exclusively date each other and no one else.

We’re likely more conservative than most on the bee, so I’ll keep it short and sweet: No sexual touching of others. No telling others that you are single or ‘hiding’ the fact you are married. Opposite sex friends are fine, but there will be no one-on-one dinners or activities with them without the other partner or without it being a group thing.

Above all…no lying or hiding anything. If you feel the need to lie or hide things from your spouse, it’s not a real partnership.

 

Post # 9
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Pretty much everything the OP listed are “no’s” for us. We have discussed & agreed upon a very narrow & concrete definition of monogamy. It happened as a function naturally as our relationship progressed. 

Post # 10
Member
9541 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

We’ve had a lot of conversations about what we define as cheating over the years. Not because it’s ever been a problem but it usually comes up as “So-and-do did this and thier SO is upset do you think that’s cheating?” Or I tell him about a situation I read on the boards and we talk about it. We’ve also never disagreed about what we would consider cheating and I feel confident that we are on the same page in regards to what is appropriate and what isn’t.

Post # 11
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I don’t think we need to fully define every little thing that could be cheating. Basically, we just don’t do things that we think our partner would find hurtful if they knew about it. Pretty simple. 

Post # 12
Member
3362 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

We’ve never sat down and had a “what’s cheating” discussion but over time as we have different conversations and talk about different situations, we’ve shared what we would and would not be comfortable with and are respectful of each others boundaries.

Post # 13
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Darling Husband and I have never had a formal conversation, but we’ve had lots of little ones over the years. He is divorced and his ex wife cheated on him, so he’s shared a lot with me about what he’s uncomfortable with. Likewise, when you were married to someone for over a decade and have children with them, sometimes it’s hard after the divorce to know when you’re still doing “spouse” favors for someone (or, providing emotional support, being their first call for advice, etc). Because of that, we’ve had lots of conversations around boundaries with his ex wife and what I consider appropriate coparenting behavior and inappropriate caregiver/husband behavior. While I trust him, she’s made it clear she regrets her decision and I don’t trust her, but they have kids so no contact isn’t an option. Ultimately, we focus on being ultimate and honest with one another. My husband has always said, “If you feel like you want to be with someone else, just be honest and tell me first. I’d rather you tell me and break my heart than ever be cheated on again.” 

Post # 14
Member
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

sassy411 :  in our marriage the line for each of is where your partner’s comfort level line is. So if I do anything with another person that I know I would need to hide from my partner because I know that is not something he would be ok with then that is crossing the line. 

He is very particular about 1 thing: If I am engaging in anything sexual or intimate with any other man… that is cheating. Which if fine eith me because I dont want any other man.. I am bicurious though and we have spoken about this. He said that i van have experiences with women but no guy is to ever be involved, and this includes watching, touching, and everything else, as well as sexual or intimate chatting/talking and emailing with the purpose of sexual pleasure.

Same applies to him. He is straight so it’s a bit more restrictive.. if he was Bi i would allow men, as long as no other woman is involved in any way with him. 

 

 

Post # 15
Member
2844 posts
Sugar bee

We haven’t had a ‘serious sit down’ talk about it, but over the course of the relationship our boundaries have been thoroughly discussed. Usually while watching a show/movie where people are being shifty actually lol. 

We’re both very naturally monogamous and our boundaries are the same. All of the things mentioned in your post are considered either out of line or cheating (Except porn which I don’t care about). It’s basically more important to us to protect our marriage and each other’s comfort than to have the freedom to play with fire so to speak.

I don’t judge other people for having different boundaries at all though. Some people even find it adds a spark to their relationship to have a little tension with people outside of the relationship. For us it would only add sparks of rage so we choose to avoid it 😉 

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