Have You and Your Partner Defined Cheating?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
2485 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

thebeekeeper :  So you think all single friends just hit the clubs and do so many inappropriate things just because they’re single?  Met up with my best friend who was also my realtor and had coffee. I guess that is just way too raunchy and inappropriate for married lady like myself. You clearly have very one sided narrow views. You made some valid points but you sound very holier than thou. Just FYI if your husband ever wants to cheat on you he doesn’t have to have a bunch of friends around to choose from.  If he wants to leave he can and will be able to find someone ready and willing. And another FYI married people cheat with other married people too. You are purely afraid of anyone sharing any connection with you or your husband.

Post # 47
Member
209 posts
Helper bee

No, we haven’t discussed what cheating is, but part of the reason we love each other is because we have shared values and know each other, including our boundaries, very well.

Post # 48
Member
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

DoubleD :  I partially see Beekeeper’s point. If neither her nor her husband ever actually had close friends and really found their match in each other, they might really have no need of others. However, I don’t agree with her that single friends are a bad influence or lead people astray.

I on the other hand have a very close-knit group of friends, many of whom are male and single. I often hang out with them AND my fiancé but I also hang out with one or two or three of them without him. We watch movies my fiancé isn’t interested in, we play boardgames, meet up to cook meals together, and on very rare occasions we go out and have a few drinks. (No dancing because that’s not our style.) I even sometimes crash on somebody’s couch when I feel like getting drunk (I always let my fiancé know – wouldn’t want him worried!). I see absolutely no harm in any of that. My best friend recently had a rough spot with her boyfriend and slept in our spare room for a few nights. Just last week an old friend in a similar situation did the same. I wasn’t worried for a second that either them or my partner would do anything to hurt me. 

And mainly you hit it on the head: my partner is smart as heck. He has a different timetable than I do, he works in a different town and his office hours are pretty flexible. If he wanted to cheat on me, he’d do it and I would most likely never find out. I can’t lie without blushing so this isn’t true for me lol.

Post # 50
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

DoubleD :  It’s fine if you don’t agree, that’s why we have opinions. I don’t think you read any of my posts though if you think I forbid him from having friends. I’ve stated a few times that neither of us had a great deal of friends upon entering our relationship, we never really fit in anywhere.

Yes your lunch date sounds raunchy! I’m sorry I didn’t realize that everything was taken so literally nowadays. 🙄 The single-friends advice I received from my parents is in reference to carrying on single activity when around these single friends and continually having single women/men around your husband/wife.  

Why are people so touchy nowadays? Lol. Not everything is that serious. 

Post # 51
Member
943 posts
Busy bee

thebeekeeper :  Darling Husband and I are both retired military. So we know a lot of the same people, and while we do have the occasional casual friends pop in from time to time, hubby and I would just much rather be with each other. We have different interest, which for us is awesome because we bring different perspectives to the table. A case in point. Hubby is totally outdoorsy type, not me so much (I got bit by a poisonous snake some years ago). Anyways hubby figured out Im outdoorsy near the ocean. He got me interested in scuba diving and snorkeling.  So now he has a scuba diving partner and a fellow snorkeler now. I never would have done that if he hadnt introduced me to it. 

Another thing is that because we spent so much time apart due to military deployments and stuff, we just really want to be with each other. We dont like to travel without each other if possible.  We march to our own drum. We dont expect people to understand or care if people dont understand, it makes us happy. Hubby and I are as close as two people can be. We just choose to make our relationship the most important friendship in our lives. We dont actually need other people to enrich us since we are perfectly content together. 

Post # 52
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I believe it’s extremely important to discuss, as with all important values. I can see some people saying they haven’t because they know they share the same values… but how would you know what values you share until you talk about them?

We’ve talked about our boundaries at various points in the 6 years we’ve been together, not from consciously sitting down to discuss cheating, but from commenting on the world around us, news articles, tv stories etc., and we’ve been able to clearly state and agree with what we each feel would be cheating. I think that even when you share the same general values, so many little behavious can be up for interpretation, that I’d much rather be clear BEFORE something happens, than after it’s too late and an inappropriate behaviour has potentially damaged the relationship.

Post # 53
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

sassy411 :  Probably a good idea! I should have that conversation just to make sure we are on the same page. Couldn’t hurt! To me I would say that cheating is prevented by going by this rule. Don’t do anything, write anything, text anything, etc. that you woudln’t be ok with your partner seeing you do/knowing about. If you can do something and know your partner would be ok with it/ would be fine seeing you do it than it is probably appropriate. 

Post # 55
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

I will start by saying we’re gay (lesbian), but I don’t think that should really matter. It just might help the pronouns make more sense lol.

We have discussed our boundaries regularly around cheating, and honestly, sometimes it evolves based on circumstances. As in, wow, that made me really uncomfortable, so I think we’ve uncovered a new boundary! We are both very open about what does and does not make us uncomfortable, and where the lines are when it comes to cheating, or even close enough to cheating to be a problem.

I’m sure this is not all-inclusive, but here are the basics…

Things that are off limits:

  • Engaging in an inappropriate conversation with another woman – inappropriate defined as anything that crosses into emotional cheating or breaking of the boundaries we have established. Our rule here is if we’d be uncomfortable with the other person (us) seeing it, it’s off limits.
  • Inappropriate photos, messages, IMs and texts fall under the above.
  • A big NO on the intimate gifts for people the other person doesn’t know about. And if gifts are given to us by someone else, the other person should know about it immediately.
  • Sexually or emotionnally intimate with anyone other than each other is a no (kissing/making out with someone does not fall under this, exactly. See below.)
  • Discussing our relationship with exes is off limits (she is friends with several and I have one or two). This is a no-fly zone, because I believe this is a huge potential for cheating to happen.
  • Telling other people we are single or even implying that’s the case (or not correcting the assumption) is off limits.
  • Exes are not off limits, with the exception of one, which we have discussed in detail and my reasons are solid. However, convos with exes should follow all the other rules established.
  • Hanging out alone with another (femme) woman, whom I do not know, is not okay. This was actually a point of contention between us once, when a fellow lesbian coworker wanted to hang out and “game” on her sofa at her apartment all afternoon alone with my Fiance. This made me really uncomfortable. Hard no.

 

Things that are not off limits (for us):

  • Strip clubs – neither of us have an issue with this, and we’ve actually gone together a few times.
  • Porn (without chat) – neither of us have an issue with this at all. I know she watches porn frequently and I have zero feelings about it.
  • Having friends of (in our case) the same sex, as long as there are no inappropriate feelings on either side and there’s no hanging out alone/one-on-one in private with them until the other person has met them and feels comfortable.
  • Flirting – we’re both big flirts, but neither of us takes it too far, and the other person is always aware of it happening or hears the story later. We are both aware of what crossing the line looks like (exchanging contact info, pretending to be single, etc.)
  • I’ve been allowed to kiss/makeout with a female friend (with FI’s permission and in full view of Fiance the entire time) when we were all drinking and hanging out. It was just in fun and there were no feelings on either side for me or my friend. However, this would never be okay without permission and without her there, and I would never do it without her full, enthusiastic consent.

I’m sure these will be amended as our relationship progresses, but I do feel that we both have a solid understanding of what we would consider crossing the line into cheating territory.

Post # 56
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

sassy411 :  I so agree! That is another super important one. Don’t put yourself in stupid situations. I believe there is a saying out there somewhere that basically says, you also want to avoid even the hint of impropriety. That basically means that even if you aren’t doing anything wrong or bad, you also need to avoid the appearance that you are. So say don’t be alone in a male co-worker’s apartment when everyone else from the work party leaves, things like that. It is important to not get yourself in stupid situations, and also to make sure you don’t put yourself in scenario’s where people will be able to look at it and assume something inappropriate is going on. 

To me the only thing acceptable in a relationship is a 30 second flirt in public if you are out with your friends and your partner isn’t there. NO getting phone numbers, no long conversation, but a harmless situation where some stranger flirts with you for a few seconds before you go your separate ways is fine with me. 

The worst thing ive seen that to me is not quite considered cheating per say, but is pretty unacceptable to me personally is a boyfriend or husband who keeps in contact with an ex (if they have no kids etc) Or keeps a relationship going with the ex’s family. Not ok. To me I firmly believe its a respect for your new partner thing. Give your partner the benefit of a clean slate with yourself. It isn’t fair to a new partner for either person to be holding onto things from their past when the new partner deserves that slot. For example, I want my boyfriend to have a great relationship with my dad as we get closer to marriage etc. I would be PISSED if my boyfriend had any type of relationship with his ex’s dad. That isn’t fair. 

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