Have you been criticized for being CFBC?

posted 6 months ago in No Kids
Post # 2
Member
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2021 - Boulder, Colorado

I’m currently CF but on the fence so I don’t get pushback, but I have firmly CFBC friends who do get pushback, especially from doctors who won’t agree to elective sterilisation because the doctors think they are too young to make that choice ( in their 20s to mid 30s). People generally dismiss them when they say they are CFBC because “they’ll want them when they’re older” or it just doesn’t register with people because it’s baffing to them that they are CFBC. They say it’s almost like people don’t see the point of women unless they are childbearing. They usually just walk away because they know they’re confident in their own choices and don’t need to hear doubt from others.

Post # 3
Member
2570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

It’s pretty much a constant theme. Someone will make a comment about “when we have kids” (it could be anyone at all, from the cashier at the store to an aunt at Christmas or a friend of a friend at dinner). “Oh, we’re not planning on children”, said with a smile. That has been met with wide-eyed surprise, a smile and small laugh like it was a joke, a disgusted snort with a “yeah, okay, you say that now”.

We simply say that we have other priorities, and the expense and time commitment of a child doesn’t fit into our longterm goals. 

For some reason, certain people have taken that simple response as us disparaging their choice to have or want children, as if they’ve wasted money or chosen to spend their time poorly. That’s the one thing I really don’t get– the defensiveness. 

I have shut that shit that down SUPER hard in the past. “There are multiple valid ways to choose to live your life. Parenthood is one, being child free is another.” 

I’ve thought about just giving a smile and nod and letting the kid comments pass. Sometimes I do, but in general, it’s about time that being child free becomes normalized. I’ll take one for the team if it means continuing to broaden people’s understanding of a couple’s decision not to have children. 

Post # 4
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2021

My fiance and I are CFBC and we both wanted to wait until our 30s to get married. Both sets of parents have been guilt-tripping us for both of these personal choices saying that we are selfish for not wanting to give them grandkids (our siblings on both sides have kids so idk why we need to fulfill that “need” for them, like they are collectors items to get from each child haha). Other than our parents, literally no one has said anything to us about it. Back when our friends started having kids in their 20s, they pushed us to join the club, but after their babies turned into toddlers they stopped asking which is hilarious

Post # 5
Member
6123 posts
Bee Keeper

So not sure if it’s ok to post here.  But we’re not CFBC but we waited super long.  So every chance people get to ask me when or tell me to hurry up is quite often. It’s really annoying.  Like let me be on my own timeline. People think it’s ok to make comments about how old I’ll be when they’re grown up etc.  I’m sure it’s not even at the level it would be if we said we’re not having any.  But I’m not going to tell many people when we’re trying.  I don’t know if we’ll have issues or not but I don’t want the world’s opinion on what to try etc.  I’m already sure that the way we decide to raise our kids will be open to scrutiny too. Ugh.  

I wish people would react like I do.  If someone says they aren’t having any I say ok. And no face or anything.  Many times people will open up to me why even though I didn’t ask.  So I think part of the reason they feel ok is I’m not judging them.  I have no idea why so many people care what others do. If you wanted to have 5 dogs instead I’d ask to see dog pictures.  I mean ugh.  We really need to stop focusing so hard on women and babies. Even those of us who want to have them but on a different timeline than most have to deal with scrutiny.  

I’m sure once we’re pregnant I’ll have to hear how I’m too old or some shit too. But we’ll see.  Ugh.  Something else I do is turn the convo into to asker. If they ask a bunch of questions I’ll turn around and say how about you? 

Post # 6
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee

Yes, I have been criticized and people have said awful things to me. People have told me my life has no value or meaning because I don’t want kids,  that I’m not a real woman, and that I’m selfish and an idiot. One family member insinuated that I’d get pregnant accidentally and be forced to have a child that way. I reminded her there’s always abortion and she was horrified. The mildest comments have been, “Oh, you’ll change your mind.”

Post # 7
Member
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2021 - Boulder, Colorado

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@sweatergal007:  This is roughly where we’re at too, except I have no plans to start trying anytime soon. People in my circle tend to marry and have children later so we don’t raise any eyebrows. We just turned 30-31 and are just getting engaged/married. People tend to marry and have kids much younger (late teens to mid-20s) where fiancé is from, but he’s a few years younger than I am so no one has really talked to him about it.

Post # 8
Member
6123 posts
Bee Keeper

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@yogahammy:  Wow that’s absolutely horrible.  I shouldn’t be surprised by people anymore but I am.

Post # 9
Member
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2021 - Boulder, Colorado

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@yogahammy:  Wow. The fucking audacity. PCOS runs in my family. After her hysterectomy, my aunt’s husband told her that he didn’t feel she was a “full woman” anymore. They are no longer together.

Post # 10
Member
6123 posts
Bee Keeper

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@teainthemountains:  Yea we’re much older than that and I realize that there’s a biological clock but I also have some health things I need to deal with first and there’s nothing I can do about that other than work with my doctor.  So it’s frustrating.  It’s definitely less comments but more of the hurry! Comments now that we’re late 30s. I already feel like I’m late so the comments do nothing but make me stressed out. 

Post # 12
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee

Surprisingly I never got any pushback, although I am certain my mother secretly prayed hard that I would change my mind. I didn’t, no regrets.

Post # 13
Member
432 posts
Helper bee

When I was 22, my partner’s friend (also 22), told me it was really sad I didn’t want to have kids because I would be depriving my partner—who had literally never expressed any interest in having kids, plus we were 22!—of being a dad. I was like “oh well!”, decided he was an idiot, and never talked to him about it.

I’m now 40. The only other person who has said anything rude about me not wanting children in the past 18 years is my mother-in-law, who said something like “it’s not for everyone” but in a way that obviously meant “too bad you don’t have it together enough to have children!” I just ignored it and never talked to her about it again either. I have no interest in explaining myself.

Post # 14
Member
7567 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

My brother and his wife are CFBC. I can’t speak for her family, but my side has never given them any flack.  On her side, she’s an only child and speaking super candidly….her parents are very odd and detached. They strike me as the least maternal/paternal people EVER and I can’t even fathom them as grandparents which leads me to believe they’ve likely never made a fuss about it…maybe other than the fact they’re extrememly religious. Now I’m curious and will have to ask my brother if they’ve ever gotten flack from it.

Honestly, I think every single person who has ever met them as a couple – it probably doesn’t come as a surprise. My brother is generally good with kids and I think always planned on having them, then they met (through me actually) and decided they didn’t want to have any. They just aren’t kid people. 

I have a toddler and one on the way, so luckily for them there are grandkids already in the family which I think helps pacify family members from pushing them about it.

Post # 15
Member
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2021 - Boulder, Colorado

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@sweatergal007:  I have health issues too and being pregnant would require going off certain medications. Not really sure how that would go. I’m so sorry that people are being so frustrating. They really just need to back off. If someone doesn’t have children, they either don’t want to or haven’t been able to have them so far. Either way, you shouldn’t be talking to them about it. My fiancé’s cousin and his wife are I think around early 40s and they get these questions constantly. His parents (fiancé’s aunt and uncle) had one child (the cousin) and was constantly asked why they didn’t have more. They all wanted to have children/more children but couldn’t, so being asked about it constantly is just heartbreaking.

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@sweatergal007:  Yeah… Tbh that comment is not even why they split up. The family never liked him so it was just something else to add to the list.

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@elisabetn:  Wow. I would be doing the same tbh and not entertaining any questions or conversations about it. My family knows better than to try and talk to me about it. His family would, but we’ve kept our engagement private from them for various reasons. Fiancé’s older brother has toddler and they’ll probably expect the kid to give me “baby fever” since I’m 30 and engaged, but seeing kids makes me want them even less lol.

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