Have you been criticized for being CFBC?

posted 6 months ago in No Kids
Post # 31
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee

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@cblank181:  Jeez Louise. I had a co-worker overhear me talking speculatively to a much closer work friend about “when I have kids…” and decide it was her job to pop in and say, “Wow, you’re planning on having kids? I totally didn’t get that vibe from you. I thought you were, you know, one of the smart ones.” You really CAN’T win. If you’re a woman and you’re making a choice, you’re making the wrong choice. 

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@sbl99:  Oh my God, yes. It’s horrifying. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a good little socialist and am all for providing care and support to anyone who is hell-bent on gestating and birthing a child, no matter their age, medical history, physical/mental ability, race or class—I just find it unbearably hypocritical that that support doesn’t extend to women who prefer to limit their ability to do those things. But the whole turning babies having babies into a growth industry thing? I’m sorry, NO.  

Post # 32
Member
647 posts
Busy bee

The people who criticize or comment on my choice to not have children are the same who question my sexual orientation.  

It’s discrimination, plain and simple.  

Post # 33
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

I’ve had so many people give me the “you’ll change your mind when you’re on older” line that I’ve lost count.

In general, most people have been fine with it, with the notable exception of my uncle. Both his daughters have 2 kids each, and he’s all about being a grandparent now. He just cannot get into his head that I don’t want children. He’s asked me “what about if your parents want grandchildren?” And I usually reply “well they should have had more children then” (I’m an only child).

The last time I visited them, they were cooing over a baby on TV, and when I clearly didn’t join in, he patronisingly said “you’ll change your mind, you’ll get there someday”. I just snapped back “I’m 36 years old, my husband is 50, I think if I was going to have the slightest twinge of maternal instinct, it would have happened by now”. It shut him up in the moment, but I know it won’t last.

Hes also the one person who persistently tries to convince me to hold my cousins’ babies. I don’t want to hold them, just take no for an answer! I don’t particularly like being around them full stop, I don’t want to cuddle one of them!

Post # 34
Member
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2021 - Boulder, Colorado

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@kittycatcat:  Yikes… That’s probably approaching no contact territory for me. I would be so uncomfortable around that. I have a feeling that my fiancé’s family will try something similar with me because they don’t have a lot of kids or grandkids. It’s funny that they try to get you to hold the kids to get your maternal instincts going or whatever, but it will just make me want them a lot less lol. I don’t think I’ll ever be a kid person even if I had my own.

Post # 35
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2022

I’m glad this thread exists. It’s awful some of the things bees here have heard. My family and friends all know and are OK with it (my sister and aunt are CFBC also). I haven’t told many people on my fiancé’s side, just his nanny, who of course smiled and shook her head and told me I’d change my mind because being a parent is so wonderful. I think it’s hard for people to understand in my case, because I have a career that involves working with kids. I try to avoid the topic altogether because I know any reasoning will just go in their ear and out the other.

Post # 36
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

I just do not understand why anyone feels they have the right to question another person about their private life.

If you are single, you are either single because you want to be or because you haven’t yet found someone.

If you are childless, you are either childless because you want to be or because you haven’t yet been able to have children.

And whicever it is is no one else’s business

I’m child-free due to gynae issues, but I’ve lost track of the number of people who’ve asked me if I’m CFBC, or who’ve told me that I’ll have kids one day and ‘it’s not too late’.  (Actually, it is!)

I reckon some people are just rude and nosy and if they weren’t being rude and nosy about your marital or parental status, they’d find something else to be rude and nosy about!

Post # 37
Member
19 posts
Newbee

Not intending to dertail this thread, but does anyone else think the use of “Karen” is really misogynistic and ageist? It’s morphed into just another easy way to call women bitches (as if the world needs more ways to do that). It’s telling that there is no male equivalent. My name is not Karen, and I used the phrase, too, until I stopped to think about the sentiment behind it. Instead of denigrating a large demographic of women, I’ve just started to say what I actually mean: pushy person, mean person, intrusive person, racist person, etc. 

Post # 38
Member
2264 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

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@vintagejunkie:  nope, not in the slightest. The past 4 years have shown us that, while women as a gender may face oppression, huge swaths of white women (in particular, suburban white women of a certain age) have no problems using their whiteness to further racist/classist lines and just general misogyny, and I have nooooo problems calling those people a Karen. 

Also, back to the main topic, it always baffles me how people latch onto former CFBC people who changed their mind as some sort of “gotcha”. Out of my friend groups, and equal number of people have gone from wanting kids very much “one day” to hitting 28-35 and becoming staunchly CFBC. They “change their minds” too, yet nobody uses THEM as an example to undermine reproductive choice. Life is long, some people may change their minds, but A.) that goes BOTH WAYS and B.) it doesn’t change the fact that most people know whether they want kids or not and DON’T change their minds. 

Post # 40
Member
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2021 - Boulder, Colorado

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@vintagejunkie:  I can see some ageism there. I don’t really use it in my vocabulary largely because I try to avoid gendered language, but I understand “Karen” to refer to white women who display certain traits. As a POC, I appreciate the recognition that there are white women who are problematic and use their gender as a reason to speak over POC women. 

Post # 41
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

I have! My fil said well I guess you guys just want to spend all your money on yourselves and not have kids to pay for… ummm so what if we do! 

Post # 42
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

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@yogahammy:  I’ve been told this too! Comments like that started for me in high school, as I even knew then I didn’t want kids.  I hate the ” you’ll change your mind” or “who will you spend holidays with when you’re old?” Ugh

but by far being told that I’m bad or not fulfilling my womanhood is worse.

Post # 43
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2017 - Central Park

I have definitely been criticised for choosing to not have children, but it’s been by acquaintances and complete strangers every time. I try to remind the person being critical that it’s a private matter between my husband and I, it’s a choice that is only ours to make, and we are very informed about our choice. Some people are super offended by the thought of not having children whether you’re tactful with them or not. I have experienced some guilt regarding our choice and have at times felt childish or selfish for choosing to be child-free, but I think a lot of that is because we have many close friends who are having children and it’s stirring up weird feelings. I’m also working with my doctor to figure out which type of hysterectomy is best for me as I’ve been having a lot of health issues lately that the surgery would solve. I know the pushback will get amplified if people discover I’ve had surgery before I had kids. I was lucky to find a doctor who’d even help me with this. The biggest thing is to stay true to what you want as a couple and try to not worry about anyone else. Be kind to yourself. It’s your life.

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