(Closed) Have you discussed getting older/fatter/wrinklier/etc. with your SO?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll:
    I never thought about having that type of conversation : (12 votes)
    12 %
    I thought about this but don't want to talk about it : (4 votes)
    4 %
    We talked about it, it went well and I feel good : (80 votes)
    82 %
    We talked about it, I don't feel great about it : (2 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1181 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I have, I’m not to worried about wrinkles… My mom is 70 and just starting to age now and my sister is 45 and still gets carded. Thank god my fiancé loves thick girls. That being said I still go to the gym and I still try to eat healthy foods and have my beauty regime but I do these things for myself. He loves me no matter what, and I think he’s actually looking forward to growing “older” together.

    Post # 4
    Member
    7977 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    Fiance and I have been together for seven years. We’ve seen each other through unemployment, health problems etc. We’re also a lot older, fatter, uglier and wrinklier than we were.

    Meh… such is life. That’s what “for better, for worse” means…

    Post # 5
    Member
    6339 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2014

    Honestly, it’s not something we’ve felt the need to discuss.

    Like Rachel, we have been together over 7 years. We’ve seen each other cry and grieve, put on weight (which I’ve now lost, and which he’s in the process of losing), I’ve seen his first couple of grey hairs (yup, at 27!!), he’s seen me vomitting from food poisoning/period pain, and looking absolutely awful after two bouts of surgery… Etc.

    I personally think that a couple should be able to handle these things, and get through them. I also think that if someone is going to get very very overweight, they probably will regardless of whether they’ve had a ‘discussion’ about it. To me, it’s pretty obvious that most people would not be overjoyed if their formally fit and slim partner turned into a lazy slob; it kind of goes without saying. If my OH stopped caring about whether I found him attractive, or vice versa, then that to me would be the bigger issue.

    Post # 6
    Member
    855 posts
    Busy bee

    We have both agreed to help each other stay thin, fit and healthy.

    Being completely honest, we wouldn’t find each other as attractive if we were to put on a lot of weight. I don’t suit being ‘heavier’ and he’s only 5ft4 so extra weight would turn him from being in proportion, to being a ‘short fat guy’.

    And I do think it’s important to want to look good for your partner. Looking good for each other is a great initiative to stay on track.

    As for wrinkles, I’m of the opinion that men improve with age. And my mother is a very attractive woman so if I end up like her, we’ll both be happy 🙂

    Post # 7
    Member
    1475 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    My fiance and I have talked specifically about gaining weight and we have actually made a pact to tell eachother if we are getting overweight, out of shape, etc. We eat well and excercise now and we want to keep it that way and not get lazy.

    I’m not worried about wrinkles – my mom and grandmother have aged wonderfully and I would not be opposed to getting a little work done when I’m in my 50’s.

    Post # 8
    Member
    6110 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    My Fiance and I have discussed the weight issue before. We haven’t talked about getting “older” or “wrinkly” because, well that’s inevitable…people age and skin starts to wrinkle (men also bald). That definitely isn’t an issue. The weight gain issue is our main concern. It’s not that we wouldn’t love each other any more it’s just that there is a need to be physically attracted to your partner. Also, when someone is overweight (and I’m not talking about 10-20 lbs here) it shows that they don’t take good care of themselves and this can often have a negative effect on one’s children. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t have enough respect for me or their own self to take care of their body and their health. Obesity causes people to die earlier and if you allow yourself to get that way then you obviously don’t care enough about me to be concerned that you are killing yourself faster and ultimately leaving me (and our children) sooner. This way of thinking is applied to both of us, not just me or just him.

    It’s not that we are like “eww fat people are gross” because that’s not how we feel. I myself and a little overweight and could afford to lose 20lbs (which I’m in the process of doing) so I definitely know how it feels to struggle with weight. To us, being overweight is a sign that you don’t take care of yourself and that’s not OK with us. (yes, I gained weight in college because I didn’t take care of my body)

    Post # 9
    Member
    2743 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney

    We’ve actually discussed this significantly but more on the level of disability. I’m  extremely active and part of my activity levels are considered reckless because I have a condition that will disable me. I’m 7 years in and most are disabled 10-15 in we’re hopign to keep that at bay partially with my activity for as long as possible. I have had to give some things up like playing violin already, my hands just cant do it anymore I cant write more than a paragraph at a time either. I’m not worried about it. Fiance went to Disney with me when I broke my leg(before engagement) and was a champ pushed me in a wheel chair the whole time and made it fun. I think thats when things clicked for him 100% and he realised my future didnt scare him anymore. I wont always be running distance runs and doing half ironmans but its important I have no regrets and do them as long as I can despite my struggle. When the time comes we’ve agreed to put a lot of money into a racing level recumbent bike for me since staying active helps my stress. When we purchase a house one of our first renovations will be an indoor endless pool with treadmill because we can 1 have it done tax deductible due to my condition, and 2 we are realistic my days are numbered (I spent a lot of time in the pool this winter). Fiance is 10 years older than me he struggles to keep his weight in range but I love him the way he is and I think he’s handsome. I know his whole family has issues with weight, and it doesnt bother me too much because he does what he can to stay as healthy as possible. What matters most to us is love and being there for each other.

    Post # 10
    Member
    548 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    I think the emotional connection you have with your partner is just as important as the physical one – if not moreso.  The emotional connection is what comes into play when time has affected each person’s appearance (beyond what they can control on their own). 

    I mean, let’s face it – you will not look EXACTLY the same after you’ve had three children, as you did beforehand – no matter how much exercise you do.

    My Fiance and I met when we were 12.  We’ve been friends all this time and a few years after college, we became a couple.  He has a little less hair now and I am actually thinner than I was back then, but I have a few gray hairs, etc.

    I think my point is, you should definitely take care of yourself and care how your partner feels about you, but as you go through life together, you have to be building this deeper connection that makes you look at your spouse and instead of saying, “ugh, she has these gross stetchmarks,” it’s, “She’s borne three of our children!”  It sort of makes you appreciate one another, I think.  

    Post # 11
    Member
    6355 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Yes. It went well. Or, goes well. We discuss appearance issues every so often. Currently, Fiance is unhappy that his hair is slowly but surely graying. And, I’m leaning on his support to try to avoid “bridal gown body esteem disorder”.

    I worry more about one of us having a serious illness or disability. Or if we have a child with a serious disability. Or how serious the needs of our parents are going to be as they get older.

    I think we can roll with the punches in terms of the other person’s appearance changing (especially if we don’t feel that it’s because the other partner “isn’t putting effort in” anymore…which would show in more ways than just appearance if so.)

    But I know from second-hand experience that couples dealing with a serious illness in the family can be a very heavy burden on them. It’s a challenge we’ve never had to face. I THINK we both could handle it. I mean, we’d have to, right? But do you ever really know how much you and/or he can handle, until it happens?

    ETA: In terms of looks, I guess it helps that we’ve both been been much fitter during some periods of our relationship than others (a lot has happened in 5 years, including that). So we’ve seen each other vary in size/”attractiveness”… and not waver in love.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2440 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    To be honest, we’ve never bothered. We are both aware of the fact that people’s bodies change as they get older. We’ve both gained weight while we’ve been dating. We both are trying to help each other lose it for health reasons.

     

    Honestly, it might just be that we are less concerned with looks in general?

    Post # 13
    Member
    8444 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I guess because we met playing WoW online and didn’t see what the other person looked like, plus we were a bit older (I was 28, he was 33), this wasn’t really an issue.  We joke around about getting old all the time, and he always tells me that even if I grew a third arm out of my forehead, he’d still love me lol.  As for getting fatter, he doesn’t care, but I would never hear the end of it from my family, especially my mom (I’m chinese, and apparently being fat to my family is worse than murder).  As for looking older, my Fiance always jokes that he’s going to look terrible when he gets old, but I’ll still be “hot” (I don’t think my Fiance can really tell the age of asian women). 

    Post # 14
    Member
    503 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    I’ve never felt it was a conversation we needed to have…. When we got engaged I told him that meant he was stuck with me when I was old, wrinkly, saggy and gross and he told me that was fine, haha.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1846 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    My Fiance and I hve been tougher for 8 years and we hve a child, so we’ve seen eachother at our worst. 

    When we first met, I was 135 (I’m 5’4″) then I got pregnantlarge went up to 211 (crazy, I know). Then after the baby I went down to like 185 and stayed there for a couple years. I’m sure my Fiance wasn’t thrilled, but he loves me and that’s just the way it was. He was always very supportive of any weight loss attempt, but never made me feel bad or ugly. 

    Then I lost 50 pounds, and my Fiance was thrilled. Of course he finds me more attractive now, because I’m more comfortable with myself and more confident in general. Anyways, sorry.. My point was, I know we will both be there for eachother through all the changes to come, and while some changes aren’t exactly desirable, when you love someone completely, the physical changes are just small potatoes. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    8041 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @Bebealways:  Well I think it’s important to not let yourself go… that can spell the demise of a marriage. I guess it’s good to talk about it once in a while.

    My SO is 14 years older than me, so I will always be way younger lol… I am not too worried about him not finding me attractive because of age-related issues. I would never want to date a younger guy partially because I think women often age worse than men do (but mostly because I just don’t like the maturity level of most guys who are in their 20s!). I’ve always been attracted to older guys so I’m not too worried about stuff like wrinkles! With that said, aging definitely freaks me out… not because I’m scared of him not finding me attractive… I guess I just don’t want to look old. I’ve always been young and pretty.

    Also, the more time you spend with someone, the less of that honeymoon phase spark you’ll have. That’s normal. Attraction is important, but I don’t think it’s normal to be in that same “omg we have to bone NOW” stage after 15 years of marriage. Keeping yourselves groomed and fit for one another is hugely important, though. You just have to be realistic.

     

     

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