- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
For me, this is a really important conversation that I’ve brought up from different angles multiple times in our relationship. I wouldn’t have accepted a proposal without it and I’ve talked about it through our engagement occasionally just to make sure we’re 110% on the same page.
Everyone likes looking at a fit, pretty, young person, and on average people get married when they’re still physically at their social-beauty-standard “best.” (Plenty of people find their best long after that, but I’m talking about the beauty standards we all know and drive us all crazy.)
Both my FH and I are a normal weight for our height, and put some value on things like eating right, skincare, etc. He likes thinner women, and I am making an effort to stay thin because when he looks at me *that way* it makes me feel good, and making him look at me *that way* is important to me. I’m not trying to say this sort of thing should be a priority for anyone else, but it is for me.
But I know it’s a hard road. I used to be overweight and I have to work consistently at staying at a low weight, and I’ve definitely had some… issues… with weight and food in the past that I have to consciously prevent from coming back. I have a love/hate relationship with food and naturally I think my genes would have me at a higher weight than I like, or my FH prefers. (He has pretty standard social dude preferences, thin, small, smooth skin, etc.)
On top of this, I am young, my skin is nice, I think I’m rather pretty. But nobody stays youthful forever. I’m certain that I’ll be wrinkly one day like everyone else. And I may be beautiful then too, but it will be different, and I worry if he’ll still feel the same lust for me then.
NOW: The real point.
I have had to ask him many many times, “what about when I gain weight, get wrinkly, etc.” and bring up stuff like wishing I were different, feeling embarrassed by me, comparing me to other women, basically stuff I want to avoid that are frankly dealbreakers.
He has responded well to these conversations, admitting that he might not lust quite as obsessively but that he doesn’t want to be held to an unreasonable standard either, and we both deserve to be respected and loved no matter what we look like.
He said that my health and joy is always more important. He admitted he’d be disappointed if I suddenly became overweight or pimply or wrinkly or something now and wanted to stay that way… but that he’d “get over it” because I am important to him, and that the older we get, the less it matters.
He admitted to secretly worrying about it too, because he said that when he too reaches an age where it’s more work to stay fit, he’d honestly rather just eat pizza and enjoy such things than fret about it all the time, and he doesn’t think it’s right to demand something of me that he wouldn’t want to do.
It was an emotional conversation… but I feel like it went well. I am personally afraid of changes in my appearance (please don’t flame me for this, it has to do with my lingering appearance issues) especially as they relate to romance, and he helped me feel more confident.
I was wondering: Has anyone else talked about appearance changes (esp. over time) with their SO? How did the conversation go?