(Closed) Have you ever asked a BM to step down?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: What would you do?

    Just let her stay, and be a warm body for pics and ceremony

    ask her to step down

  • Post # 2
    Member
    303 posts
    Helper bee

    I don’t see where she has actually done anything wrong here.  You asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man knowing that you weren’t very close to her any more.  Her acceptance of that does not make her your insta-BFF all of a sudden.  She doesn’t need to clear her life decisions (moving to Nashville), personal appearance decisions (tattoo), or social/vacation plans (coming to Michigan, hanging out with other sorority sisters) with you.  She just moved so she probably just started a new job and doesn’t have a ton of PTO saved up to attend a million and one prewedding events for you.  The only requirement is that she be there for the day of your wedding and it sounds like she has indeed committed to that.  I think you’re making a big deal out of nothing here.

    Post # 4
    Member
    3108 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Yes, it’s unreasonable. She’s supposed to be your friend, not a prop for your wedding. It’s a bummer that she didn’t make an effort to get together with you when she was in town, but you said yourself that the two of you had drifted apart. Becoming a bridesmaid isn’t magically going to fix that, and she may be feeling put out herself with how she has been treated. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    8410 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    View original reply
    chellybean:  Your mistake was deciding how many BMs you wanted and then picking people to fit that number rather than asking “how many bestest besties do I have?” and then counting.

    You said you’d drifted away from this woman but because you needed 4 people, you asked her. So HER behavior or expectations havent’ changed, YOURS have.

    Post # 6
    Member
    41 posts
    Newbee

    I can see why you are frustrated. It sounds like she does not really care that much. I mean sure, technically all a bridesmaid really has to do is show up the day of the wedding in their dress, and walk down the aisle/pose for wedding photos. You have two options, and think of the situation: You really wanted 4 girls, but only had 3 you were sure of because you’re really only close with 3. So essentially this girl is a filler- merely just there to make it a better number for you. If that’s all you care about, then keep her. If, however, you really want to get close to her and she isn’t reciprocating and you are ready to accept that you’re just not close anymore and probably won’t be, then you could ask her to step down (& pay her back for the drest she bought). BUT, just know that by doing that you will pretty much be ending the friendship, and you need to be okay with that outcome. Otherwise, don’t kick her out. 

     

    I’ve been kicked out of a wedding party before by a friend I was close to. At the time that she asked me, we were close but she had lived in NY for a few years and just recently moved back to our state, so we thought we would get close again. There wasn’t any falling out or anything, we tried to make plans but they fell through a couple of times bc we both had very busy opposite schedules. No hard feelings on my end, but then she decided to kick me out, bc she felt that we had drifted apart. At that point I was very hurt bc i felt like she did not tell me how she felt before, I just thought we were both busy and would see each other when it worked for both of us. After she kicked me out she said I was still invited to the wedding, but I didn’t go bc I felt like it would be awkward and I didn’t want to attend the wedding of someone who didn’t seem to value my friendship enough to try to save it (she chose to kick me out instead). So just know that whatever decision you make could have a lasting affect on your friendship with this girl.

    Post # 7
    Member
    141 posts
    Blushing bee

    I wouldn’t cover my tattoos for anyone. They aren’t offensive, and my friends that asked me to be in their weddings knew I had them, it was never an issue. 

    I would be offended if someone asked this of me, it’s a little superficial and if someone is that concerned I would just remove myself from their wedding party myself.

    You’re  the bride, no one is going to be looking at her or care, it’s your special day, I’d let it go

    Post # 8
    Member
    303 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    chellybean:  I mean this in a really nice way, but keep in mind that everything isn’t about you.  She told you she is excited to be in your wedding, she already bought the dress, and she will be undertaking some amount of expense and inconvenience just to attend the wedding (which I doubt she’d attend if she wasn’t a part of the wedding party given her recent move and the fact that you two haven’t been close in the last couple of years).  If she doesn’t call/text you all the time or change plans she had already made to hang out with you when she’s in town, don’t take it personally.  Maybe she’s busy, maybe she isn’t very good at returning calls/messages, etc.  I’m sure she isn’t purposely avoiding you because she doesn’t like you and doesn’t want to be in your wedding.

    As far as the tattoo goes, yes I do think it is unreasonable for you to ask her to cover it.  I’m not a big fan of tattoos myself and two of my BM’s have very large and visible ones.  But I’d never ask them to cover them up because their tattoos are a part of who they are.  Now if the tattoo was a giant swastika or vagina or something like that, that’d be a different story.  But then again, I can’t imagine any of my friends getting something like that and I’m sure that’s not what your friend has either.  Trust me, people will be very unlikely to notice it as the majority of the attention will be on you and your Fiance on your wedding day.  

    Post # 11
    Member
    4 posts
    Wannabee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    I kind of have it the other way. Someone who I’ve been friends with for a long time – around 10 years, but am not really close to anymore railroaded me into becoming a bridesmaid, because she’s never been one before. Like yours she’s not very engaged with the bridesemaid process, and I’m pretty mad with myself that I caved into her request.

    That being said, I don’t really want to ask her to step down, I made the choice for better or for worse. I could have spoken up at the time, but chose not to.

    Post # 13
    Member
    6349 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    As to #1, I totally understand your frustrations. It sucks that she was basically ditching you while she was in town. However, I totally get that when you visit home for only a limited amount of time, it’s hard to fit everyone in. But in that case she should’ve never agreed to plans in the first place if she couldn’t make it work. Maybe she’s always been like this? I don’t know. 

    #4 is concerning as well. Nothing you can really do about it, but if she actually already PUNCHED this other girl, I can’t imagine they’ll get along just because it’s your wedding. Hopefully it just won’t come to blows. 

    As to #2 and #3…those are not problems.

    She doesn’t need to be there for every pre-wedding event. The wedding is what’s important. She said she’ll be there for that and already has her dress. So nothing to worry about there.

    As for the tattoo, DO NOT ask her to cover it up. I’m sorry, but how rude of you to do so. It’s part of who she is. She is not a wedding prop. Are you saying you never even would’ve asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man if you had known about this tattoo? Of course she got defensive when you brought it up! You’re judging her. What if you tell her she needs to cover it and she still says no? And what do you mean it offends your MOH? What is this a tattoo of? A Nazi symbol!? Otherwise, your Maid/Matron of Honor should really just mind her own business. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    303 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    chellybean:  Obviously you can do whatever you want to do and it seems your mind is made up, but I don’t think a single person here has agreed with you that it is reasonable to ask her to cover the tattoo.  You are putting your superficial concerns regarding wedding pictures (of which she’ll only even be in a small percentage of) and what other people think about it (your Maid/Matron of Honor, what is it that affends her about the tattoo anyway?) above your so-called friend’s feelings.  So if that’s really more important to you than how she feels, go ahead and ask her to cover the tattoo.  Just be prepared for it (and your relationship with her going forward) to go pretty poorly.

    Post # 15
    Member
    518 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2016

    View original reply
    Daisy_Mae:  This, exactly. You asked her in the first place because you needed a warm body to make your numbers even and are now disappointed that that’s all you’re getting. I’d leave it alone, TBH.

    Asking someone to step down is pretty much saying goodbye to that friendship. If she’s already paid for the dress, etc. there will probably be hard feelings. I wouldn’t ask a Bridesmaid or Best Man to step down unless I didn’t want to be friends with her anymore.

    The topic ‘Have you ever asked a BM to step down?’ is closed to new replies.

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