Post # 1
I’ve been, for the most part, single for over 2 years. A little over 2 years ago, I was cheated on by a guy I was with for 5 years. He was my happily ever after, or so I thought.
It took about a year before I stopped thinking about it every day.
I woke up this morning from a dream about him, and I’ve been feeling down all day. I haven’t even thought about him in so so long. These irrational thoughts that I had when it happened all came back. “It was my fault. I pushed him away.” etc. I know why this occurred, as I found out a couple of days ago that he’s engaged, to the woman he cheated on me with. It really didn’t bother me, but apparently, my conscience says otherwise.
I know this will pass, but come to think of it, I do feel like I’ve turned into this completely closed off, cold person. I’ve been seeing this guy for about a couple of months, nothing serious yet. The feelings come and go. I know why they do because my self-esteem gets in the way and I overanalyze everything.
I feel like I’ve sabatoged every potenial person I meet. I’ve ended it with every guy I’ve gone out with or have seen in the past 2 years, even if I was into it.
I have never regained my confidence since that cheating, and I feel like I always need reassurance. I do go to therapy, so I think this will be my topic of discussion this coming week.
When you met your SO, did all of the worrying go away, or did you struggle a little at first?
Post # 2
My first serious boyfriend cheated on me. He went away for a weekend to work and cheated. To his credit he told me about it as soon as he came home. It broke my heart for sure.
I have NEVER for a second worried that my husband would cheat on me. It just isn’t him. He has never given me any reason to suspect he is doing or has done anything dodgy. Plus he is super shy and I think if any woman trid it on with him he’d freak his shit lol.
Post # 3
kayla037 : I dated a serial cheater for years before I caught on. It crushed me but I’ve treated every relationship since as a fresh start. You have to because it isn’t fair to assume the next person will cheat just because the old one did. My husband has never given me a reason to think he’s cheated and until he gives me reason to think otherwise I trust him completely.
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
My ex husband cheated on me many of times. But I have never brought that feeling into my relationship with my fiance’. He had never given me a reason not to trust him. It seems to me that you are on the right path though. You are doing everything right. You seem like you have real head on your shoulder’s bee. Keep up the great work.
Post # 5
kayla037 : a guy I thought would be my happily ever after cheated on me many times. I had no idea at the time and it still baffles me how someone could be so good at that facade. That being said, I left as soon as I found out and have never once been suspicious of later boyfriends (or my husband). The cheating was ex-boyfriends problem, not mine. I certainly would never want to punish current relationships for a past event they were never involved with. If you’re still thinking it could possibly be your fault, your not over your cheating ex and there would be no way you could move on and open yourself up with someone new.
Post # 6
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
I’m so sorry you had to go through that Bee. Cheaters are the worst.
To my knowledge, I’ve never been cheated on. However, I feel like I know a lot of people who have and to be honest the amount I hear about it and see it on tv/in movies/read about it really makes me anxious. I’ve posted about this before but I sometimes get anxious that cheating is inevitable for couples. I realize in no way is this a grounded fact and no way does it make any sense. I’ve had talks about it with my husband and I’m glad he lets me just vent about my fears and he reassures me everytime.
I think people that have a fear of cheating can let it inhibit current or future relationships. And like PP have noted, that’s not fair to the new guy to pay for the mistakes of an old guy.
If nothing else, I think talking about your fears with friends can help. Once you talk around, I think you’ll find there are plenty of happy couples where cheating isn’t a fear.
Post # 7
My exH had an emotional affair and it does stick with me at times.
However, my fiance makes me feel very secure and I’m able to bring it up if I’m feeling particularly vulnerable about something. It helps to be able to talk to him about it and not have him get defensive about it because he knows my past.
It took a while and it took meeting the right person to know that it doesn’t happen is all relationships.
Post # 8
I never dated a cheater and I never worried about it. Instead I worried whether I would stay faithful, and until I met my husband the answer was no. I never thought twice about cheating on someone I was dating. I reasoned that if I was so attracted to another person that the one I was dating was not the right one for me. My MO was cheat, then leave. My husband was the same way, but worse. Maybe we got it all out of our systems, but after I met him no one else looked that good to me. We were engaged 6 months later.
Post # 9
My ex cheated on me all the time.
My husband, on the other hand, would just dump me then go sleep with whoever. Or he’d flat out ask for permission. So I’ve never really worried about him cheating seriously because I just know his personality type.
Post # 10
I’ve been cheated on by a couple of past relationships, but I’ve never worried about my current husband cheating. He is just so different than my ex-H or ex-bf who cheated and would never be the type to step outside of our marriage.
That said, early on when we were dating, I did have to force myself not to react to triggers. There were some occasions where I would over-react to something because it triggered something from a past relationship. And then hubby and I would talk about it and I’d explain why I had that reaction and that it wasn’t his fault. He did the same with me about certain triggers of his. But we’ve been to the point where that’s not an issue for several years now.
Post # 11
I’ve never been cheated on but bee…..some people are just dicks. Just because one person has the integrity of troll doesn’t mean everyone does (I’m sure you know this). This is really about your inability to completely heal from the betrayal. I suggest some therapy, just so you can get a different perspective.
Post # 12
My ex cheated on me. And somehow I didn’t figure it out for months! When I did though, I immediately told him it was over and naturally he was sorry. But I don’t deal with cheaters.
I met my husband one year later, and during that one year between the two of them, I went on many dates. But I did feel as though I couldn’t trust anyone to not do that to me again. My husband was different. It took him a good month of dates (2-3/week) for me to accept that he was different and give him a chance. I am so glad I did though 😊 you just have to trust your gut moving forward. You’ll be able to tell if there’s something “off” about someone. And if there is, move on.
It’s hard, but it’ll be okay. Good luck bee!
Post # 13
Yes. I used to think I was invincible and I would never be cheated on. I dated a guy in my late teens/early 20s, he cheated with atleast 4 woman (he broke down and told me. Didnt use protection either). It was the last straw. He was also abusive. Sick sob tried sleeping with my closest friends after as well. I prayed at night when he’d emotional abuse me. I felt so alone. Something had answered my prayers. It turned out my ex from HS lived literally next door to me (when I was living with the cheater). When things were offically broken off, the cheater kept harassing me. My ex from HS, who I had started seeing after that decided to put him in his place. Walked out of his apartment, walked over to the scum bag, and well you can fill in the rest.
My ex from HS and I have been dating (again) for almost 8yrs.It took me a few good yrs to get over the abusive and cheating. My SO and I grew, but it def was not an easy task. However, to this day I owe so much love to my SO, he stuck it out (through my crazy mindset at the time).
I now don’t worry, I feel like if my SO loves me like I feel he does he won’t cheat. We can’t control anyone else’s behaviors and actions. Set that boundary for yourself. Know your self worth, bee. Talk to your SO, it might allow you two to grow together and work as a team and conquer your past. Goodluck, bee.
Post # 14
All but two people I have been with cheated….but one of the non cheaters had another thing he lied a lot about and that was enough…
I CONSTANTLY worry in my current relationship BUT I am in therapy and working on it and he knows my worries and fears (we have been friends for 21 years…so he saw me go through it all as well) …
FLIP THE COIN….I have ALSO been a cheater…which I think has me worrying MORE since I know personally how “easy” it can be.
With my current SO who I would love to marry, I have had the opportunity and temptation but didn’t take it.
….I think feelings for other people along the journey are normal….just matters what you do with those feelings. I cheated to escape or to gain power since they were usually cheating as well but I know that isn’t what I want to do with the rest of my life…
So …working hard…changing habits….changing behaviors…. being more honest and open and trying to remember that I can’t control how my SO acts…but I can control myself and be the best partner that I can be.
Post # 15
Yes, I’ve been cheated on and I was devastated. However, once I was over the relationship I could see it wasn’t about me. You can’t make or cause someone to cheat if they’re an honest and ethical person.
And I’ve never once worried about Dh cheating. First, he’s an honest and ethical person. Second, he’s not my ex and it isn’t fair to blame him for the poor behavior of someone else.
I’m not big on suggesting therapy, but if you’re still struggling you might consider it. You’re only hurting yourself at this point, not protecting yourself.