Post # 17
My brother won’t come to my wedding and I’m pretty upset about it, but if it was about money I would completely understand. (my brother won’t come because of work obligations…and yeah our wedding is over a year from now…)
If you are completely 100% honest with the rest of the family, they would understand.
Post # 18
I don’t understand why his family would blame you? You aren’t making the big bucks (yet!) and he’s not working…they should totally understand! Can he go alone? So sorry!
Post # 19
So, this might be completely out of the question, b/c I don’t know the family situation, but would you be able to ask his parents to borrow the money to help you both attend? Then you could slowly pay them back? If it’s just not possible, sorry for suggesting, but wanted to see if there were other options.
Post # 20
Hmm…it sounds to me like you are having to deal with a number of difficult things as far as your BIL’s wedding.
1) I completely agree with KLP2010 – if they are considering having a Destination Wedding, the first thing they should do is to see if the people closest to them can come.
2) You are obviously stressed about it – but I echo others that are asking how your husband feels. Is he concerned? This is his family, and he needs to be the one dealing with them, not just you alone trying to explain your financial situation.
3) Weddings are family affairs and, worst case scenario, sending hubby on his own would probably be best. Better to have a weekend apart than deal with future grief from ILs.
Good luck and let us know how it turns out!
Post # 21
I have not been financially unable to attend yet, but I know one of my friends is going through this now with my wedding. My wedding is at the end of September, and most of my friends are moving in August/Sept to start new jobs when we’re done with the bar exam. So, this particular friend is moving to Colorado in Sept. And she feels so terrible for possibly not being able to come back east for the wedding. I feel so bad that she’s so burdened by this!
I keep assuring her (genuinely!) that she needs to do what is best for her and her wallet. As much as I’d love to have her as a guest, I don’t want her to stress out or go broke to come! She updates me every day about the situation (we’re in class together everyday), and I feel so bad (and I’m getting stressed for her!).
Post # 22
Hello Bees, and thank you so much for your comments.
My husband has issued a “husband decree” that we are not going to stress about this and that if we do not have the money to attend he will personally explain to his family that it was simply not possible.
I explained to him that I stress because I am trying my DARNDEST to budget for the 6 months we have left in order to make traveling to this wedding possible. So, “not worrying about it now” as he suggested makes me nervous, because that gives me less time to plan.
In his mind, it is not worth the stress and effort. And, when I ran numbers by him, he also suggested that it wasn’t worth the extreme budget sacrifices. And he wishes he could find work so that all this would be moot. And lastly, sadly, he suggested that he wish he didn’t have this sibling so that this stress wouldn’t come up.
See, his sibling and I had a falling out a few years ago and I am trying EVERYTHING I can to make it right and that includes not failing the family on this one issue. I do NOT want to be caught in the position of being the reason he couldn’t make it. The blame will fall squarely on me.
I don’t know how I would feel about borrowing money or taking money from his family to attend. I KNOW they would try to give us the money for my husband to attend, but… my pride wouldn’t let me accept it for myself. I would give them a million deserved thank yous, but it would still be a No, thank you.
So, I just have no idea. I am trying hard to figure out where exactly this wedding will be so that I can plan a bit better. But, it’s as stressful as could be because I’m between a rock and a hard place.
Finally, sending him on his own as many of you suggested is incredibly logical and would help the finances. The ONLY thing that makes me nervous is that we JUST got married ourselves and it would make me sad to not be there as a “team.”
Post # 23
You shouldn’t feel like losing your pride if you accept money from his family to go to his sister’s destination wedding. I think that would be a really great gesture from them, and a great gesture deserves a gratious acceptance.
Maybe you can think of this another way. Save up what you can now, and if it ends up being a destination wedding you can accept a little assistance from his family to make up the rest. If it ends up being a US wedding then you have some extra money lying around to buy yourself something nice!
Post # 24
He needs to tell his sister that he cannot afford to attend these kinds of weddings. If she doesn’t care if he is there and he doesn’t care if he is there then it’s not up to you to worry about it.
It seems like you’re placing the way you would feel about not attending a siblings wedding on your husband. Not all families are close. Sometimes a marriage makes them closer, but not always.
Don’t go into to debt for him to go and don’t neglect paying other things for him to go. If you can’t say to someone, “I”m sorry but we can’t afford to go” then you aren’t that close anyway.
If you must send him, send only him. Hold off on the gift, you have a year to give them something.
Post # 25
If they offer the money for both of you to attend (or half of what it would cost for both of you, i.e. his portion so you only have to pay for yours) then I think you should graciously accept it. If you say finances are the reason you can’t attend, and they offer to fix that problem and you refuse, then it will look like you just don’t want to go and it’s not about finances at all. I understand the pride thing but from your posts it sounds like maintaining this relationship should be more important than pride.
I think your husband is right in that it’s not worth worrying about yet because they haven’t even decided on a venue or location. When they decide, that’s when you look at your budget and see what you can afford. Don’t worry about it just yet, it’s not worth the stress, they might decide to put it off another year or go somewhere different so just try to be patient. You also don’t know when your hubby will be successful at the job search, so that’s another reason to be patient 🙂
And finally, I know some people are really against debt and credit cards and whatever but…I would totally go into debt to be at my sister’s wedding. I will be spending the next 6 months paying off a credit card debt because I went to a friend’s wedding on the other side of the world. Sucky? Sure. Totally worth it? Sure 🙂
Post # 26
i have declined many a wedding of both friends AND family because i simply couldnt afford to go.
when you cant afford it you cant afford it. and unless the B&G or family or something is willing to pay for your expenses, they really cant fault you for it.
I think your new hubby has the right outlook on this. if hes not stressing over it then maybe you should take his lead, after all its his family right? I really dont see how they would blame you for that since you are the one actually working to support both of yall right now right?
let him deal with the drama IF it happens. but dont worry yourself crazy over this. either you will have the money when the time comes or you wont. no one can fault you for that.
Post # 27
I just wanted to say thanks very much to all of you for replying. As you all suggested, I am doing my best not to worry so much about all this. I am going to do my best to save, but I won’t starve us either in order to make it to this wedding. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can reconcile sending just him alone with my principles, so I can only hope I’m not found in that position.
Until then, I’m going to try very hard not to obsess about this.
Post # 28
Maybe I missed it, but is there a reason your husband can’t get a part time job to add to your savings? I’m sure he’s looking for something that would advance his career, but in the meantime a job in retail or food service could add a lot of padding to your budget. $2000 over 6 months = $300 a month, and if he takes home even $5 an hour (after taxes and all that), he’d need to work less than 70 hours a month to make that work. That should leave plenty of time for him to continue with his real job search. Is he open to that?
The other thing is that maybe he’s telling you not to worry about it because he doesn’t really want to go. Saying he wishes he didn’t even have this sibling doesn’t sound like somebody who’s super excited about the wedding, even if going wasn’t a hardship. You should find out if that’s the case, because as much as you want him to get along with his family, if he doesn’t then it’s important to support him in that, too.
Post # 29
@mountain.bride: I too would go into debt to attend a wedding of a family member or someone else I was super close too. I’d rather be in debt for that than a big screen tv or something! I’d love to always be free of cc debt but in this day and age it’s hard to do!
Post # 30
We had to turn down an invite to a Destination Wedding because we couldn’t afford it and my fiance was supposed to be Best Man. It was so badly planned and outrageously expensive that we weren’t the only ones and we didn’t feel that guilty in the end.
A sibling is slightly different. I would explain the situation to bride and groom – perhaps they could help out with travel/accomdation costs. They must understand the difficult situation you put guests in when lots of travelling is needed. Could his parents help out at all? Grandparents? I know it feels awful to ask but people might not appreciate/know the difficulties you’re having unless you speak up.
Post # 31
@coconutmellie: I think there are three options that will work out in the worst case scenario:
1) You send Fiance alone. Not fun, but I really think it is better than nothing.
2) You ask for or accept a loan. FI’s family is your family now, and I honestly think pride has no place with family. And I see no reason for shame in accepting money to attend a super important family event.
3) Fiance takes on a part-time job to save for the event. I don’t know the numbers, but I imagine that waiting tables on the weekends or bartending a few nights a week will get you guys there. And a service job like that won’t get in the way of Fiance looking for something more permanent.