(Closed) Have you ever been the “other woman”?

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

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@Neutrina: I have never been the other woman, but I still found your post offensive. You are completely entitled to your opinion, but you can’t truly say that “Marriages that start with cheating, lying and deceiving NEVER end well. EVER” because you can’t possibly know every situation and your hurtful comments are an uninformed generalization. And your final comment about condolences on their divorce is so rude.

I’m sorry if you’ve been in a situation where there was another woman, but you don’t know the details of every situation EVER and I think some of your comments were so unnecessary.

Post # 33
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

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@Neutrina: I take it you have been cheated on then, I am sorry it has made you so bitter and resentful, I hope you get over it one day! 

I also assume that this solid sence of morality and values you mentioned doesn’t extend to not wishing misfortune on others?

Post # 34
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

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@Miss Sydney:

No, but a friend of mine has and she didnt know that she was! As soon as she found out she dumped his ass!

This is kind of what happened to me. I was in a relationship with this guy about 15 years ago and had NO CLUE whatsoever that he had a girlfriend. NO CLUE! One of his co-workers took pity on me and spilled the beans — well in all honesty, the co-worker had a crush on me so he did have ulterior motives.

I was devastated and also felt ashamed for having been so naive. I wish I could say that I had “dumped his ass” immediately like your friend did, but at that point I was so wrapped up and tangled in the relationship that I couldn’t let go. Not long after that, his other girlfriend came to his apartment one night and discovered me there. The drama went on for months and months as he continued to play me and his other girlfriend like a couple of fiddles. We were such idiots and it took me a while to get strong enough to give him the heave ho.

That’s one lesson I’m glad to have put behind me!

Post # 35
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I kind of feel like the saying “Once a cheater always a cheater” is true in one aspect but not necessarily the other.  I think that when a man or woman cheats on the person they are with that they will do it again to that person if they stay together. I dont think that it means that if they get into a  new relationship with a different person that they will cheat on the new person.. but it seems to me that once someone has cheated in a relationship..they have broken the seal sort of and it makes it easier for them to do it again.  I know this unfortunately because (please dont rip me apart now) I cheated on my ex-fiance years ago when I was young we were together when I was 17 to 21/22.. he was an awful person but for some reason I just didnt leave him..instead I just had relationships with others behind his back.. well honestly once I cheated on him with the first person it was so easy after that.  And I dont mean I was just sleeping around..I was in actual long relationships with other guys..I cheated on him for years.. and thought nothing of it.. I actually feel bad about doing tht to the other guys because they didnt know that I lived this other life..  however my fiance now.and everyone I dated for the past 10 years I havent ever cheated on and wouldnt even consider it..its a horrible thing to do..I know that..  but if I was to ever (and thats just for sake of conversation becuase it wouldnt happen ever in a million years) be back with that guy.. i would probably have no respect for the relationship and who kows what i would do.. that I explain it to my friends is that its like having an old beat up car.. yu beat on it.. you eat in it..spill stuff.. you dont wash it.. you leave it a mess. you drive it like a crazy person.. and you could car less.. then suddenly you win a mercedes.. now you have this mercedes you treat it like gold you wash it every day you dont let anyone eat or drink in it.. you treat it like its worth.. say that mercedes has to go into the shop and you have to drive that beater car around for the day.. you’ll probably treat the junk car just like you always had because thats how your relationship with that car is. May not make sense to all of you but it makes sense to me lol

Post # 36
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I have been in both places. With the same guy. I was engaged at 17. When I first met him he was dating someone else and I told him I wouldn’t date him while he was with someone else. Well he had to dump her because we went to the same school. He asked me to marry him a few months later and of course I said yes. Well for a period of time I was unable to go see him. I did not have a license or car and he had no car. So he started spending time with other people one of which was his best friend, his best friend’s girlfriend, and her best friend. Well I won’t get into details but he cheated on me with her and I was so into him I couldn;t let him go. So he was seeing both of us. he even gave her my ring (a long story). I ended up having to leave the state because I jsut couldn;t say no to him. His favorite line was “If you love me….”. Well on our year anniversary he called me to say he slept with a different girl and it was over with the other one and please come back blah blah blah. Well when I did come back we had plans to get back together. Until I found out the new girl was pregnant and they were about to get married, talk about a shock.

I found out later he had cheated on me with 9 different people. I ended up moving on with my life and then about a year later we were chatting online one night. He came up and we slept together. I realized then and there that I was over him and if we had married he would have never been faithful. That is the one and only time I have ever been in that situation and I have steered clear of anything like that.

 

Post # 37
Member
361 posts
Helper bee

I was the “other woman” in the sense that I dated a married man. He was separated from his wife, they lived in different towns. They just weren’t divorced. It ended because it wasn’t meant to be. He got back together with her, and life went on. 

I’ve been cheated on, and it’s horrible. I wouldn’t ever willingly do that to someone. 

Post # 38
Member
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Just want to briefly add my .02 to the “upcoming divorce” thing… my dad carried on an affair for five years before finally divorcing my mom and marrying my stepmom.  They remained married until his death.  Happily, loyally, devotedly married…  There are way more circumstances and emotions involved in relationships than we can ever assume, and being the other woman or the one cheating doesn’t automatically guarantee a karmic fail. 

Post # 39
Member
3620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I was the other woman in a sense. We had a great friendship and he left her for me and after 2 years I learned how bad of a partner he was. I was 18, he was an older man and I got wrapped up in things. I’m so so so so grateful that nothing more (marriage or kids) ever came of our relationship.

Post # 40
Member
2582 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@Neutrina:

Wow…  well, I’m happy to be the dissenting voice here.

My college boyfriend cheated on me with a friend of mine.  It was devastating – but you know what? That was like 9 years ago now, and they are happily married (to each other) and I’m happily engaged to someone else. 

I would never EVER wish divorce on them, as much as what they did broke my heart at the time, it was for the best – they were meant to be together, and they were both just too immature at the time to handle it the right way.  I don’t think either of them have cheated on each other, and I certainly don’t see the point of wishing or hoping for that to happen. When I found out they were engaged, sure it stung, but I sincerely wish them the best – being bitter and spiteful certainly wouldn’t help anyone.

 

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@Gingersnap:   Yes but unknowingly. Its a long story – but we went on 3 or 4 dates and then I told a friend who went to the same school as he did – who checked their alumni website and found out he was married. I confronted him and he actually had the balls to say “well most of the girls Ive dated don’t really care”.  Uhhgg…  

Post # 41
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I haven’t, personally.

I have watched my father cheat on my mother, he’s now married to the woman he cheated with. He’s still just as miserable as he was when he was saddled down with my mother, my siblings and myself, except now he’s got her two kids and one of theirs to add. She’s about 10+ years younger than my parents and it seems she wanted the charmed life… her kids to have a dad, even though they are from two different men who I believe are still involved in their kids lives individually, and the new baby they had together, and the big house and the marriage to a businessman. Little did she know, it’s not always greener on this side of the hill, and I don’t think she’s as thrilled with it as she thought she’d be. So after watching the pain both of my parents went through when they should have just had a clean break if they were unhappy, I vowed to never get to that point. If you’re unhappy enough to cheat, just leave.

I also watched my ex-best friend sleep with her old high school boyfriend repeatedly… she’d dumped him and he had a grudge. So he’d date other girls and sleep around on them with her, just to keep her on his hook. i heard every stereotype (“They just don’t know him like I do!”) and I re-vowed never to be that girl.

I understand that sometimes it happens and it could happen to anyone – don’t mean to sound judgy to the women on here who HAVE been the other woman, and especially when it works out for them. I just will never allow it to happen to me cause I’ve seen the pain it causes to everyone involved.

Post # 42
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m gonna be honest here and admit that I’ve been the other woman more than once. I was at a dark place in my life and somehow the idea of attached men cheating with me boosted my self esteem.

I got over this behaviour when I feel in love with a guy that had a girlfriend who was studying abroad at the time. At first, I didn’t know he had a girlfriend, but when he told me, we didn’t stop seeing each other. After a couple of weeks, he told me he wanted to break up with his girlfriend because he wanted to try and have a real relationship with me. I told him not to do that and that what we had didn’t mean anything. Yeah.. months later, it did mean something to me, but she was coming back in a couple of days and he didn’t want to break up with her anymore.

After she came back, I even had to hang out with her a couple of times, since we were in the same group of friends. We actually got along very well and had a lot of similarities besides being in love with the same guy 😀 I later found out that she had cheated on him while she was away, but I didn’t tell him.. they broke up a couple of months afterwards.

Post # 43
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

This thread brought back an OLD memory I pushed out of my mind…

I’ve always been the “good girl.” I don’t do anything that would make some one question my character, try not to lie and I definitely don’t cheat or steal. I am a firm believer of karma. What goes around certainly does go back around.

I was engaged at a young age (19) and I thought that man was my world. You couldn’t tell me the sun didn’t shine outta his ass. Back then I was working in property management leasing apartments in the rental office. I hated my boss so I began looking for another location. While i was waiting for the final approval process for the new job to happen, I quite the job with the sucky boss and to a job in the interim. It was at a crappy property, but it was closer to home and equal pay. There was a resident who ALWAYS came in the office and flirt with the ladies (there were only 3 of us.) He flirted with me too, but it was like on level 10 compared to level 2 with the others. I could tell he was in to me because when he would see me on the property he would go outta his way to talk to  me and he would make comments on my body and asked for a date or my number or ANYTHING. He was really cute and I was naive and kinda liked the attention. “Yeah I’m taken and off the market but I still got it!!” <—See naive. He knew I was engaged, he didn’t care and in fact he was married and they had recently had a baby.

One day when I was in the office by myself he came in to get a package and had to walk with me to the area where we held them in the back of the office. I was bending over to look for his package and next thing I know, he is up against me touching me. It took me by QUITE a surprise. Long story short, he proceeded to kiss me ant tell me what I was “missing” and tried to convince me to have an affair with him because “it only works when we both have something to risk.”. In those 2 mins my perception of him changed. He was now ugly and unattractive to me. I couldn’t imagine the hurt and pain I would cause if I had said yes and I was mad at this man (whom I barely knew) for putting me in that situation. At the same time I felt sad for his wife and child. I got the feeling that this is not the first time he has approached a female with this “offer” and I’m sure it wasn’t the last. I quit the job 3 days later because the one I was waiting on came through for me.

Now even though I cut this situation off immediately karma seemed to come back around and kick my ass. My then Fiance and I broke up less than 6 months later because during our relationship he had cheated on me with AT LEAST 8 different females multiple times… I found out because he told me to get back at me when he THOUGHT I cheated on him with my now current Fiance. WHICH I DIDN’T. So that’s my story…

Post # 44
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

Yes, and I ended up marrying him…

Post # 45
Member
1713 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I was, but unwittingly so, and before I dated my current SO. We were ‘dating’ (well, I thought we were…) and he mentioned he had a friend in Texas (he was an American soldier stationed in the UK). Then once we met up one night (I snuck out to see him) he didn’t talk to me after, and then he was deployed. We talked once whilst he was deployed, but that was when I was dating the current SO and this soldier was mad I was doing so. (He has ‘expected’ me to be waiting for him, though he never mentioned this before…)

I had been wondering why he had not added me on FB. I checked his Facebook using his MSN address. Turns out he was engaged to that ‘friend’ whilst we were ‘dating’. And he’s married that ‘friend’ and has a son with her now. Of course, current SO knows and doesn’t blame me for it (I honestly didn’t know he was engaged, otherwise I would have told him to eff off!) I was naive and stupid and I regret it a lot… I have never contacted him since that one time and I will not talk to him at all if he ever tried to contact me. 

Post # 46
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t think anything is ever black and white enough to make grandiose statements like “good luck with your divorce”.  People cheat for different reasons and some are much less foul than others.

I don’t have much to personally put into this thread, but I always found it funny on day-time talks shows when people would confront “the other woman” in their relationship and would COMPLETELY lash out at them while ignoring their husband/boyfriend who was the one that was supposed to be committed to them! 

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