(Closed) Have you ever been the “other woman”?

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@Neutrina: As much as I can kinda understand the backlash you’re getting due to the strongly worded nature of your post, this part really struck a chord with me:

What mistresses often don’t realize is that the wife is often clueless as to any problems in the relationship and she may even think everything in her relationship is great and then one day gets sideswiped by the knowledge that her husband is having an affair. First there’s complete Shock and Confusion becaue while she’s is at home busting her butt taking care of her husband and family–he’s at a bar giving another woman a lying sob story about how horrible his wife or his life is just so he can get “some” from someone else.

This is EXACTLY what happened to my mum. When she discovered my dad was having an affair, it was a month after their 20 year wedding anniversary. He’d written a card to her that said ‘To the woman I’d marry all over again’- the whole time he was meeting a woman for sex behind all our backs (I consider it a betrayal of me and my sisters, as well as my mother).

He’s now married to his former mistress. The past five years have been one long drama, with my mum barely keeping it together. I had to sleep in her room with her, hold her hand as she cried herself to sleep during the weeks afterwards. Watching her heart break was one of the most gut wrenching things I’ve ever had to go through, and for that reason, plus the fact that I love and respect my Fiance more than anyone on this Earth, I could never be the other woman, or have another man behind FI’s back for that matter.

It’s just such a painful situation. But then, that’s just from my personal experience.

Post # 48
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Yep, I was the other woman. Never thought I would be, since I had been cheated on and it KILLED me, but things happened – now anytime someone says “I would NEVER do that” i think bullshit. We all would. If we were in a low enough place in our lives and the circumstances were tempting nough, we would ALL do things we never in our wildest dreams thought we would. I now believe “never say ‘never'”

He wanted to leave his wife for me but he still loved her, even if he couldn’t say it – maybe not passionate love, but obviously enough to not want to throw away his marriage. He said he didn’t want to divorc because her parents’ divorce was hard and it would crush her to get married and divorced but in my heart, I feel he didn’t want to let her go – he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

It spiralled. I thought I was different from other “other” women. I thought I could keep the intimacy at arms length and told myself every single day that it went on that we meant nothing to each other, that I wasn’t as important as his wife, that nothing was going to come of it, etc. But unfortunately, logic can’t always fix your emotions so no matter how much I knew in my mind, my heart pulled me elsewhere. I told myself these things and yet couldn’t stop from crying because I couldn’t have his love or even his time exclusively, and I was jealous of his wife.

I almost chased Fiance away because of my affair. I was so caught up in the emotion of my affair that I ignored FI’s attraction to me and when he tried to become closer to me, I pushed him away and saw him as a nuisance because I couldn’t be with the married man when he was around.

I don’t know exactly when my feelings changed. I guess because I can only let myself be involved like that for so long but I quit freeing up all my time to see him. The last time was when I had a conflict between schedules – my best friend wanted to do one thing and he wanted to do another – we had all originally planned to go out together but things changed so I had to choose between them. The married man’s wife found out about the plans to go out and invited herself along and I thought, “Why? Why am i giving up my life and a chance to have fun, to spend time with a married man, especially when his wife will be there? What will I do? Sit there all night feeling jalous and sad that she gets to hold his hand and I have to pretend nothing’s going on?” So I told him no (when just one month before that I would have said “yes” without even thinking, wife or no wife). I know he was upset about being with his wife and not me but the other woman deal was wearing off. We drifted apart, for the better.

I wish I regretted all the heartache and drama I put myself and everyone else through but I don’t. It was an experience and it was new and exciting. And I have perspective from both sides now (the cheatee and the cheater) so i’m wiser for it. I do feel bad for his wife, though. She has a blog and sometimes I read it to know what’s going on in their lives. Part of me is hoping she’ll find out what kind of man she’s married to and part of me has a sick curiosity about who she is and how naive she is to her husband’s true nature. The other woman, I think, always wants to know what kind of woman she’s being compared against. From her writing, she’s a great woman and they’re building their lives together and moving forward. Hopefully they rekindle their lost love.

And for me, once I started letting my affair go, I began to see what a wonderful man Fiance is and I could have kicked myself for overlooking him. The whole time Fiance was opening his heart and offering to give me everything I need and could possibly want in a relationship and I was being stupid.

Post # 49
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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@MyFavouriteChords: Well, the scorned wife/girlfriend kind of skews what happened in her brain, i believe. When I was cheated on, I put almost all the blame on the other woman because I still loved my boyfriend so i wanted to justify directing my anger at her. i told myself “he made a one time mistake and went off the rails for a bit but SHE is a homewrecker who goes around flirting with EVERYONE”

I think when you see shows where the other woman gets all the blame, that’s the mentality that’s going on. The woman doesn’t want to admit that she fell in love with a piece of scum.

Post # 50
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@harleyq:  true.  I guess I never thought about it from a more normal-person point of view vs.  Jerry Springer guest. 

I know what is like to be a bit lost in a relationship and certainly didn’t mean any disrespect on that end.

Post # 51
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012


Post # 52
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I have. When I was in college I met this awesome guy. I had a boyfriend at the time but it was already on the rocks so I chose to end it. The new guy and I quickly became intimate. We didn’t tell anyone and I thought we would eventually officially be dating sometime soon. I was head over heels for him but kept my mouth shut and just continued with the “friends with benefits” routine. We really were best friends. Talked on the phone 4-5 times a day and hung out almost everyday. Well about a year and a half later he meets another girl. He didn’t tell me about her at first, he just kind of disappeared a little bit. Well I was calling him as usual not thinking anything of it. Well of course the girl thought I knew about them and this made me the crazy chick who called other peoples boyfriends. She forbid him to see or talk to me. That lasted about a week. He started calling me on his drives to and from work and we talked while he was at work. Eventually he started coming by again. I never even felt guilty about it because I just figured if she wasn’t going like me, I would give her a reason not to like me. This went on for their almost 2 year relationship. The only reason it stopped was because I met my now fiance. As soon as my friend found out I was talking to another guy, he promptly broke up with his gf and told me he loved me, and how he had always loved me and blah blah blah. I told him he was too late. Plus, I would’ve never trusted him anyways. I obviously knew he was a cheater and I knew ALL of his excuses to getting out of spending time with his gf. I obviously made a good life choice not to be with him. And yes, looking back on it I do realize my actions made me a pretty crappy person but at the time I really didn’t care.

Post # 53
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I was, but unknowingly. I started seeing this guy, S, betwen my sr year of HS and starting college. We dated for several months, then I left for school. I went to a college farther away since I was given delayed admkission to my first choice school. Once I moved closer we started up again. I had worked with him before, and he helped me get a job with another branch. I had just gotten my first cell phone, so once I got a call from a ‘telemarkerter’ I knew something was up. I called right back and we figured it out. I told her everything. I really liked him, but felt awful. 

DH and I had dated (and split up) when he started dating somene else. She was crazy and they were having problems. We kept in touch but didn’t see each other for those years. After a rough patch with her he agreed to see me in person. We were platonic, but it was the catalyst for them to break up. A few weeks later DH and I were dating and now we’re a family of three! I didn’t feel bad about them breaking up because she was awful to him and stalked him/us for months and months after. 

Post # 54
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I was, twice, with the same guy, who was with the same girl. Unknowingly. Both times he had this sob story about how she left him and I bought it. The first time she was actually on a month long vacation to her home land, the second time, they were living separately because they had lost their apartment. She even gave birth to their second child during the second instance. Not something I ever want to experience again.

Sent from my Android

Post # 55
2583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t think it’s right to knowingly be the “other woman,” but it always amazes me how someone can get so pissed at the mistress, the other woman, but easily forget about and forgive their SO who was the one that was actually supposed to care and be committed in the first place. The other woman might have known the guy wasn’t single, but the guy is the one that is supposed to be committed, and somehow everyone puts the blame on the mistress rather than on the lying, cheating, jerk of a man they’re married to or dating. Obviously this can go the other way, when a woman cheats on her SO as well.

I was cheated on by my boyfriend of 2 years when I was 16, and we were pretty serious, despite being in HS. I blame him as much if not more than her. They’re still together, but I haven’t talked to him since then so I have no clue if they’re happy or faithful to each other. Because of that I know that I’d never knowingly be the other woman, and I’ve been as low as I can possibly get in life. I try not to judge people who have in the past though, everyone makes mistakes and most people aren’t proud of it.

Post # 56
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Wow never realized so many ladies here are so complacent, forgiving and approving of women that engage in mistress behavior. 

Then again-I realize that for many women here it is your first marriage and you’re most likely in your 20’s-30s without children and so the cinderella fantasy is in full force.I GET THAT.

BUT unless you’ve been around the block in terms of years of experience within a marriage and had this happen to you, you cannot possibly understand the misery this behavior has caused so many  families.

I am now 46, older, wiser and way past “bitterness” or “anger” of what happened in my first marriage. I’ve HAPPILY moved on with my life and in retrospect it turned out to be the best. Likewise some girlfriends have been lucky enough to move on after same has happened to them, and some have not been so lucky.

Just like some women in our society have ended up committing suicide, being the victims of homocide ended up in shelters or at the very least landed in a Psych chair receiving years of therapy over the destruction of their world all thanks to a husband that couldn’t keep it zipped and a woman that couldnt keep her legs closed.  I’ve seen enough of this side of the spectrum as a former Medic of 15 years.

You never forget the splatterd body of a mother who’se husband pushed her off the 20th floor cause he just had to be with his “mistress”.

Or the child standing over his mom after she committed suicide upong discovering that not only was her husband having a long term affair but she was also about to lose her kids to soon to be ex hubby and his mistress who are now engaged.

You never forget the mistress that attempted to kill her lover’s child because said child “was standing in the way” of her objective to get her lover to ask his wife for a divorce.

Or the mistress that shot the wife of her lover.

Or the wife that was in such a deep psychosis at the thought of losing her family that she commits vehicular homicide–running over her husband and his mistress.

But i digress.–

Therefore– just because (and from personal experience)– i am “past it” does not mean i am going to complacently sit here and approvingly pat some woman on the back wishing her a wonderful marriage knowing full well that she destroyed another family to get her way. I am not going to “sugar coat” that behavior in any way.

Oh and by the way– being cheated on when one is single without children, living separately with seperate finances– is amateur hour compared to being cheated on when kids are involved, having your accounts cleaned out, losing your home and your family being torn apart.

For the record–the comment “my condolences on your divorce” is less of a “wish” than it is a reality check. In other words–I don’t have to “wish” something like that since the stage is already set for one. Statistically speaking– marriages that begin with deceit, manipulation, lying, affairs etc having a much higher probability of failing due to infidelity and TRUST issues down the road. So therefore– it’s not a wish so much as the reality of things.

Ladies there’s something you have to understand. Many women that are older, wiser and have “been there” are not going to sugar coat things for you. We are blunt and will tell it like it is.  Marriage is tough- it takes work –it takes honesty, trust, communication, loyalty…and being complacent or unrealistic about this fact does not do anyone any favors.

So yes i can sit here and give a bunch of <<<HUGS>> and tell a mistress that “everything will be OK.” that it’s “in the past”  and that her past behavior with this man will have ZERO impact on her marriage. But then again, i would be giving a less than honest response.

Post # 57
5408 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I was the ‘other woman’ with my first boyfriend (in highschool) but I had no idea until after I broke up with him a few months into the relationship. I felt so terrible for his ‘serious’ girlfriend, but there was no way for me to know 🙁 If I had known I never would have went out with him.

Post # 58
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

“it always amazes me how someone can get so pissed at the mistress, the other woman, but easily forget about and forgive their SO who was the one that was actually supposed to care and be committed in the first place.”


Actually for years mistresses have been getting a “pass” because they are single and thus not committed-therefore they consider themselves absolved of that responsibility.

Problem is she does have a responsibility–as a HUMAN BEING. And as a human being her primary responsibility is to DO NO HARM. As a friend of the married man, family friend, co-worker of the married man etc. her responsibility is to DO NO HARM.

It is one thing for a mistress to make that mistake once, realize it and get out of the situation before it goes further and never do it again.

It is a totally different thing for single women to engage in PREDATORY behavior and specifically seek out married men that would otherwise had never cheated if it wasn’t for the woman constantly throwing herself at him, until in a moment of weakness, he gives in. The mentality for her is “i am single therefore i have no responsibility” . WRONG–she has an ethical/moral responsibility to do no harm.

Yes there are men that are perpetual cheaters and are not trustworthy in under any circumstances BUT in the majority of cases it’s a situation that a married man-“slips” after his female friend or co-workers’ constant advances causes him to eventually give in.

Bottom line THEY BOTH have a responsibility to DO NO HARM.

For those of you who think that she’s single therefore has no responsibility consider this–

A guy robs and nearly kills an old lady while you happen to notice from a far. He runs across the street and in a panic hands you her bag containing her life savings do you say to yourself “oh hey i am going to keep this cause afterall i am not the one that robbed and nearly killed the old lady-this bag was just given to me?”


Post # 59
5667 posts
Bee Keeper

Nope. I honestly don’t understand how women (knowingly) partake in that. If he can do it to the woman he’s with now he can do it to you, too.

Post # 60
3871 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This discussion seems to have run its course, so I’m going to close the thread.

The topic ‘Have you ever been the “other woman”?’ is closed to new replies.

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