(Closed) Have you ever been with the perfect man, but there was no passion?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
211 posts
Helper bee

Read “Marry Him: The Case For Mr. Good Enough”. I was concerned because before i’ve always needed fireworks to like someone but with my current bf it was a gradual thing. This book helped me realize that I don’t need fireworks because I’ve received so much more. Fireworks never led me anywhere goo tbh. Here’s the link: http://www.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/045123216X

Post # 17
Member
9216 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i dated a guy for a few months.

i met him, he was really good looking and really great on paper. but there was no passion.  after a couple of dates, i realized i wasn’t really into him.  when we were together ALL he wanted to do was makeout.  it got annoying.  and he was surprisingly really insecure which was a huge turnoff.

 

Post # 18
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I feel like people haven’t taken the fact that you’re 25 and have been in this relationship since you were 21 into account. That’s basically your entire adult life! Of course you’re having doubts! You’ve melded your life into another person’s life who you’re not even that excited about, and you haven’t had any time to dedicate entirely to yourself and your own growth!

It may be useful to learn how people power through lifelong commitments after 16 years when you’re 30 or 35 or 40 and struggling, or when you’ve been together for 10 years and are dissatisfied with your life and looking for an escape route, but you are still figuring out who you are and what you want. Once you establish more of a relationship with yourself, then YOU will be the confident arbiter of what you absolutely need in a relationship and what you’re willing to sacrifice. Don’t let anyone make that decision for you. Unfortunately from my experience, the only way to figure that stuff out is through taking action and making mistakes.  

Bee, I could’ve written this post five years ago. Actually, looking back at my posting history, I DID write this post (and many other similar posts) five years ago.

I ignored my intuition and married my husband, and we are now filing for divorce. Not because I initiated either, because the relationship wore on him as well and he took the step of asking for a divorce. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced, I’m 30 and terrified that I’ll never find anyone, that I’ll never have a family, that I’ll be alone for the rest of my days. But here’s the thing: our marriage was terrible, too. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great man and it’s not like the past 9 years in a relationship with him have been torture, but we’ve put so much time, energy and grief into making something work that just. doesn’t. fit. when I should  have been investing in friendships, my career, figuring out how to be my own partner in life. I don’t exactly regret the decisions I made because they were necessary for my process in life, but I do often wish that I had been strong enough to follow my intuition five years ago before we got married.

I don’t mean to scare you into leaving because I’m sure your relationship is different from mine in a million different ways, but safety, comfort, stability are, IMO, not reasons to stay in a relationship at your age. Relying on another person for safety and stability is ALWAYS a gamble. My partner was SOOOO certain of me, of our relationship, of our ability to withstand anything…until he wasn’t. IMO, if we choose other people for stability and comfort we will always be disappointed. We are responsible for our own comfort and stability. Choose a partner because you love him, because he supports you, because you fuel each other’s growth and you love being around each other. If your current partner fits that bill, then maybe think about separating for a bit and seeing if you want to continue working on the relationship. If he doesn’t, then think very seriously about trusting yourself and cutting things off now before you’re married.

Post # 19
Member
516 posts
Busy bee

kayla037:  Has there ever been any passion?

Like some pps have mentioned, there’s a difference between never feeling a spark, and having the spark fade for a while.

Post # 21
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

He may or may not be a good man when he’s in a healthy relationship, but he certainly wasn’t a good man for you. You have definitely dodged a bullet, and gotten out of a relationship that wasn’t the right fit for either of you. And the fact that he had the capacity to cheat on you before the two of you had officially ended the relationship means that YOU DESERVE WAY BETTER!

That said, any change like this is difficult. Give yourself time to grieve the end of the relationship, and let go of what “might have been”. It’s OK to feel hurt and upset, even if your logical side knows that letting go is the right thing to do. It doesn’t mean it’s easy!

(((hugs)))

Post # 22
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Yipeebee :  wow. I have never gone a day without kissing my SO. We have been together almost 2 years, and living together over 1. We give a peck when we wake up (gross morning breath), but every morning, when he leaves for work, we have a passionate kiss goodbye. We kiss a few times during the night as well. 

Post # 23
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I just saw your update! 

I am so sorry to hear about this, Bee. I can imagine that discovering that he was cheating (emotionally/physically/both?) threw a huge wrench into your breakup. I don’t have many words of consolation, but I would just take this time for myself to grieve and not be afraid to feel angry, hurt, and happy all at the same time. I know people are always quick to recommend coounseling, but if you think that’s something you would find value from, try it out. I know journaling has helped me through tough times too.

Post # 24
Member
364 posts
Helper bee

kayla037 :  how is there any question that he wasn’t a good Boyfriend or Best Friend and it’s great that you left? He was cheating on you, after four years together, and while you lived together. That is not a good man or a good Boyfriend or Best Friend. Then he made you have to be the one to bring up the issue of it not working out and go through all this crying. That is not a person you want to be in a long term relationship with. Good on you and it speaks volumes to your character. When a relationship has problems, you (unlike him) do not just start cheating, you try to figure out what to do and only consider dating after you’re free and clear. Also helps to answer your initial question- passion is always possible w someone else and you should both have it, but not by cheating. 

Post # 25
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee

I’m sorry, I just didn’t see how old your first post was. SORRY!

Nevertheless, I’ll leave this here, someone may find ithis a useful experience. (Again, sorry)

Yes, been there. After 2.5 years I realized that, months ago (about 1.75 years into the relationship), I had begun starting arguments out of nowhere, just to feel any passion, any strong feelings for then-bf. 

I was frustrated because I wanted the butterflies and the fire, not only the cuddling on the couch. We (not I, we!) broke up, often joking about that it was the other way around with us. Some people start as friends and fall in love while we had to fall in love to realize that we make great buddies. 

Seven years later this guy still is a close friend, while I’m living with my SO. With all the fire and the butterflies, even after 4 years into the relationship.  

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