I feel like people haven’t taken the fact that you’re 25 and have been in this relationship since you were 21 into account. That’s basically your entire adult life! Of course you’re having doubts! You’ve melded your life into another person’s life who you’re not even that excited about, and you haven’t had any time to dedicate entirely to yourself and your own growth!
It may be useful to learn how people power through lifelong commitments after 16 years when you’re 30 or 35 or 40 and struggling, or when you’ve been together for 10 years and are dissatisfied with your life and looking for an escape route, but you are still figuring out who you are and what you want. Once you establish more of a relationship with yourself, then YOU will be the confident arbiter of what you absolutely need in a relationship and what you’re willing to sacrifice. Don’t let anyone make that decision for you. Unfortunately from my experience, the only way to figure that stuff out is through taking action and making mistakes.
Bee, I could’ve written this post five years ago. Actually, looking back at my posting history, I DID write this post (and many other similar posts) five years ago.
I ignored my intuition and married my husband, and we are now filing for divorce. Not because I initiated either, because the relationship wore on him as well and he took the step of asking for a divorce. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced, I’m 30 and terrified that I’ll never find anyone, that I’ll never have a family, that I’ll be alone for the rest of my days. But here’s the thing: our marriage was terrible, too. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great man and it’s not like the past 9 years in a relationship with him have been torture, but we’ve put so much time, energy and grief into making something work that just. doesn’t. fit. when I should have been investing in friendships, my career, figuring out how to be my own partner in life. I don’t exactly regret the decisions I made because they were necessary for my process in life, but I do often wish that I had been strong enough to follow my intuition five years ago before we got married.
I don’t mean to scare you into leaving because I’m sure your relationship is different from mine in a million different ways, but safety, comfort, stability are, IMO, not reasons to stay in a relationship at your age. Relying on another person for safety and stability is ALWAYS a gamble. My partner was SOOOO certain of me, of our relationship, of our ability to withstand anything…until he wasn’t. IMO, if we choose other people for stability and comfort we will always be disappointed. We are responsible for our own comfort and stability. Choose a partner because you love him, because he supports you, because you fuel each other’s growth and you love being around each other. If your current partner fits that bill, then maybe think about separating for a bit and seeing if you want to continue working on the relationship. If he doesn’t, then think very seriously about trusting yourself and cutting things off now before you’re married.