Have you ever completely gotten over an ex WITHOUT dating someone new?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Hostess
8545 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

mwgbee486 :  Yes, I spent 2 years single after a devastating break-up and it was the best thing I ever did. I lived on my own, did what I wanted, worked hard, played hard and then when I was ready to date again I met my husband! Taking some time out for myself was crucial for my mental wellbeing. 

Post # 3
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2020

I made the mistake of getting into a serious relationship my freshman year in college. The relationship lasted for a year and a half, and the guy was tool. I was naive, did not know what I wanted, but I knew it felt good when things were good – but most of the time they were bad, and I become focused on fixing him. 

I grew attached, and when he finally broke up with me, it was awful. I had to rebuild the friendships I had started before I got involved with him, and wish to this day that I hadn’t spent the time on him that I could have on my friends.

The only thing that got me through was STAYING BUSY. Spending time with friends, trying new things, and I got a job while tackling a full credit load my sophomore year. The only time I was in pain, then, was when I had time to sit and think about how much I wished he would text or call me. Try to stay busy, try NEW things or dive into a hobby (especially now that you are able to devote more time to yourself exclusively), and really enjoy the time you spend with friends and family. I even started volunteering in the community – nothing I did for that guy was productive, and it feels good to feel like the time you’re putting in is worthwhile for YOU and for anyone that you’re helping or spending time with. 

Just editing to say: I didn’t get into another serious relationship for years after that breakup. I would’t be the woman I am today, I don’t think, if I hadn’t had that time to develop on my own. 

Post # 4
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

Yes. I think it’s the only way to truly heal. 

Yes, you likely will be sad, but what if you let yourself go through it and feel all your feelings? 

I promise – even if you tried to- you won’t stay sad forever. 

I think it’s the only way to learn from our part in the breakup (I just had one as well, so I’m saying “we” here – in the same boat)

and process, so as not to repeat the same old lesson. 

Try the “mend” app, it’s helping me 🙂 

 

the next relationship you have will be so much better for making this decision. Good for you for making a new choice! 

And… I remember really loving being single. I’m going to get there again, as well. 

 

Good luck. I’m so sorry this happened and you’re heartbroken. But you’ve got this – and I’ve never had a breakup that didn’t turn out somehow to be the best possible thing that could have happened. I keep reminding myself of this. ❤️

Post # 5
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee

🙋🏼‍♀️

My first marriage ended 10 years ago, quite by surprise.  I was devastated.  It took me probably 6 months to even begin to catch my breath.  The remainder of that first year, I slowly began to remember that I was an independent, resilient woman and that “this too shall pass”.  And it did, but I had no interest in dating someone new.  I focused on work (I loved my job!), an already-established hobby through which I had some good friends, and started a new routine of going to the gym every night after work, where I made some fantastic new friends.  

I came to love my life and my independence so much, that I actually had to make myself finally go out on a date…..5 years later!  I did the whole match . com thing for a while and never really had a better reaction to someone than “meh”….and I just didn’t want to trade my fab life for that.

Fast forward a couple more years, and I went on a vacation related to my hobby and met someone who shared that hobby.  The connection was unmistakable.  We just got married a couple of months ago.  I am deliriously happy and don’t regret a thing.  

Wishing you all the best!

Post # 6
Member
595 posts
Busy bee

YES. It is 100% worth the initial pain. Whoever said “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else” is dead wrong. 

Getting into a relationship to help get over someone is avoidance. Do yourself and your future partner a favor and process this in a healthy way: independently and perhaps with the guidance of a therapist. 

There is no other way. 

Post # 7
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2019

motogal :  definitely agree.

Everytime I have had a breakup, I give myself time to heal. I find it exhausting to date someone new right after leaving a serious relationship. Tbh it baffles me how some people can jump from one serious relationship to another. It is so important to take time for yourself.

 

Post # 8
Member
661 posts
Busy bee

OMG yes it is worth it and only time will heal it. You can definitly do it!

I found that the time I was alone, it really made me realize what I was doing wrong in relationships and that I was settling and not seeing red flags/toxic men. It made me fight for the things I want in the next partner which I never did before.

It made me a better person and really find who I was. I would be so dependant on the person I was dating and their interests always became mine and I lost who I was.

Being single I mended family and friend relationships that were harmed during my time with a toxic man and made me realize how to enjoy ‘me’ time.

Does it suck sometimes? Hell yeah it does. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t. Even now, I’m single, and somedays are rough. But it happens.

I always recommend this book because it helped me so much “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken”. Check it out and hang in there!

I’m also 30 by the way. Focus on negative things. Focus on the the ways he made you feel shitty. Get rid of pictures, social media of him, items, everything. Do a detox. And definitley don’t keep in contact. That’s the worst thing you can do.

You’ve got this!

Post # 9
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

mwgbee486 :  Yes. I did for 1 year, I date my self. Loving me and reconnected with my friends. 

Post # 10
Member
2513 posts
Sugar bee

I had a couple long single stretches in my 20s, and I think they were incredibly helpful in figuring out who I was and what I wanted. If you go from one relationship to another, you might get used to depending on another person for your happiness. But the great thing about living on your own and not dating anyone is that you figure out how to make yourself happy and self-sufficient without anyone else in the picture.

Being single allows you to spend more time on friendships and hobbies, volunteer work or throwing yourself into your career. You can take off on a spontaenous trip without consulting anyone, or just spend a night watching crappy movies and doing face masks, or writing in your journal and reading all day in bed. You get to be wonderfully selfish, and focus on being your best self and prioritizing your own needs. 

And when you feel ready, you can go on dates for the fun of it, rather than because you feel you need to meet someone. Your self-sufficiency and ability to find your own happiness and stability, ironically, will make you incredibly attractive to the healthy men you deserve to be with. But by then, it won’t matter as much — because you’ll know that you are great are on your own, and being with a great partner is just icing on the cake. You’ll be able to walk away from relationships at the first sign of a red flag because you’ll know you deserve better, and you only want to be with someone who is going to add value to your already awesome life. 

ETA: If you’ve never really allowed yourself to fully process your past breakups, you may find that you have a lot of unresolved emotions from not only this most recent breakup, but the past ones as well. I do think that going to therapy could be really helpful for working through these emotions, if you’re not in therapy already. 

Post # 11
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Absolutely! I am actually kind of the opposite, I would find it incredibly hard to date someone else when I am still grieving from a break-up… I guess just because right after a break-up I still usually feel love for my recent ex, and even thinking about someone new feels like a betrayal to me. 

When I was younger, I heard it takes just as long to get over a relationship as you spent in it. I took that to heart, and when my first boyfriend broke up with me, I took a calendar and marked the date that I should be “over” my ex by- it was 7 months to the day! At first, it seemed like I would never get over him, but it really only took that summer, so about 2 months. When he called me at the end of the summer to beg to get back together, I still wasn’t fully over it, but it was enough to tell him no! My second relationship was even more serious- it lasted 2 and a half years, he really was my best friend, and I really thought we would get married, etc etc. I was devastated when the relationship ended (the summer after our senior year) and my first year of college was horrible for many other reasons on top of that. It probably took me about 2 years to even be open to another relationship, though I think it was also about the other turmoil I was experiencing. After around 2 years, I remember thinking I would be open to a new relationship, but certainly wasn’t looking for one or even really wanting/needing one. About 2 years after that, I remember wanting to date, but nothing ever really happened with anyone beyond a few innocent crushes on my end. And about 2 years after that, so now 6 years since my ex and I had broken up, I was actively hoping NOT to meet anyone. I was working very hard to achieve a long-held dream of traveling, and I was afraid that if I met someone, I might decide to stay instead of going to fulfill my dream. So I really hoped he *wouldn’t* come along then, lol.

I didn’t meet anyone, and made my dream a reality. I spent nearly a year traveling, and it was an amazing experience! I did end up flirting with some guys abroad, which was good fun, and I even hoped to meet someone there, though that never happened either. I came home for the summer and had a fling with someone through a dating app, then had one more trip planned for another couple months. I met my now-husband about a week after I was back for good. My dating profile wasn’t even set up nicely when I messaged him for the first time- I apologized that it was pretty empty, etc. He didn’t care and we chatted for a couple of weeks before finally meeting up- then had our first three dates in the first three days! And never really looked back. 

It can feel like a lifetime when you’re hurting, I know. A lot of my friends worried that they would never meet anyone and would probably die alone. I told them all they were wrong- while there is nothing wrong at all with being single for life, that wasn’t what they wanted for themselves, and I knew they are wonderful people who would eventually attract other wonderful people in due time. They didn’t seem to believe me, but many of them are now in serious, healthy relationships with good men now. As for me, I always knew one day I wanted to get married, but was single for a full 8 years- during my early and mid 20s, at that!! Sometimes I wish I had met my guy earlier, but then I realize I wouldn’t be who I am today if I had. I grew a lot by myself. I got to see the world and make new friendships. I grew my career and my independence. I was selfish and made decisions for myself alone- like dropping out of college, which was one of the hardest and best things I ever did for myself. There was also a lot of darkness in those days for me- struggles with depression, loss of loved ones, not knowing who I was, and a few very dark experiences. I was utterly alone, and at times it was so, so hard. I know it would have been easier with a good guy by my side to help me through! But I faced those things alone and made it through, discovered the depths of my own strengths and celebrated my own triumphs. I delight in shared achievements, but it was also incredibly rewarding to know that what I had done and overcome, I had done myself, through my own strength, grit, and determination. 

I’m not saying you need to be single for 8 years, but for some period of time, it can be very good for you! It wasn’t until I actively started trying to find someone that I found my guy. But I’m glad I had that time alone to figure out who *I* am, just me. It makes you feel so much stronger, and it keeps you focused on the right things- looking for the right person for you, and not just falling into a relationship that acts as a band-aid for your problems. 

Post # 12
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Just to chime in from the other side, kindof. I took at least a few years after breaking up with my first boyfriend  and was just single / dating very casually. I am currently 29 and a year and a half out of my last relationship with my ex of 3 years who I was expecting to marry. I have dated casually, but largely spent my time on hobbies and friends. I am in no rush. The time for myself is priceless, let’s me recenter, work on myself, and generally gives me the space to become a more interesting person. BUT, for me at least, there is a tiny piece of my heart that always feels “broken” until I fall in love again. Once I jumped very quickly from one man to the next, and while it was the easiest breakup ever, because I was falling in love while healing, it probably wasn’t great long-term. All that to say, more power to you for focusing on yourself, but it isn’t always easy. I don’t ever feel completely over someone until I fall in love with someone else. That’s not to say that I’m pining, or that I would take my ex back, but staying single can be HARD and falling in love is such fun that it can seem like an easy way out sometimes.

Post # 13
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

mwgbee486 :  I would just say from an emotional stand point its never good to go straight from one relationship right into another, and using one relationship to get over another isnt helping you to grow. 

When relationships end, its like death. You have to grieve and mourn. Then you have to readjust to being a single person instead of a couple. Its a time to really reflect on what went wrong and how in the future you can apply those lessons to future relationships. Every relationship we enter and even those that end teach us something. If you are jumping right into a relationship with someone else so you dont have to be alone, that in itself is troubling because it means you are dependent on someone else to make you happy. If you arent happy with you then no one else can truly be. 

Right now you need to be focusing on improving yourself and being less codependent on a relationship. I would advise therapy. Co dependency is hard to break, but therapy can help. It can help you understand why you cant be happy being on your own.  I get that no one wants to be alone forever, but the alternative is that if you are so co dependent on a relationship then you will likely miss glaring red flags about the relationship in your desire to be coupled. Then the relationship ends, and the cycle starts all over again. 

Work on yourself first, find out who you are as a person, then when you have healed, then you find someone who compliments you, not completes you. 

 

Post # 14
Hostess
1597 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

First boyfriend and I dated for almost six years, he broke up with me because he couldn’t handle my mental illness anymore and moved on to another girl not even two weeks later. I was devastated. I think I was single for about seven years just doing me and that really helped me. A lot. I figured out who I was in that time.

I got over him before I met my now Darling Husband and I’m thankful for that, because I knew what I wanted and I knew that if he wasn’t what I wanted I wasn’t going to waste my time. I dated (not seriously) several guys in between choosing to remain single because I knew who would make me miserable and what wouldn’t work.

Post # 15
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee

I have! I had just gotten out of a 3.5 year relationship and was blindsided when it went down. I blocked my ex and focused on myself and my friends and family. I went on the family vacation my ex had backed out on and had a spectacular time 🙂 it was my first trip to the Caribbean. 

I grieved the end of the relationship but I was shocked at how quickly I was over it and feeling like myself again. A couple months after the breakup, I was ready to date new guys! I was in a good mindset and wanted to be picky and I started online dating. I was single for the next year but I had fun dating lots of different guys before I found the right one for me. 

I waited until the thought of dating again excited me to get back out there 

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