Post # 17
Growing up, I didn’t have the world’s worst mom, but she wasn’t too great either. For most of my life, I was ignored. I was constantly wearing my brothers clothes to school cuz I rarely had clothes that fit me, and I struggled to keep my grades up and my mom had no idea. She just wasn’t there for me. I was in volleyball for 4 years, and she never came to a single game. Self-centered would be the best words to describe her. Since christmas, I have talked to her on the phone once. You think she’d want to keep in contact with her grandkids more, but she really doesn’t give a shit about anyone but herself and I despise her for it. In the past few years, it has come to light that she is a gambling addict. This makes sense as to why she always had to “borrow” my chistmas and birthday money, why we never had food in the cupboards and why our water/llights/telephone were constantly being disconnected. Now that I have kids, I can’t imagine my daughter, humiliated, going to school in her older brothers clothes because she doesn’t have anything to wear because her mom doesn’t notice her. She’s a mess, and she only calls me when she needs something. I hate how I’m expected to invite her to our home at my children’s birthdays or christmas, thanksgiving, easter etc. What the hell, she never did shit for me, and the one time she actually helped me (I got a speeding ticket when I was 17 and she paid it for me) She threw it in my face for years afterwards. I don’t talk to her at all if I can help it.
Post # 18
I am actually estranged from my entire family. Yup. I will tell you, it is the hardest thing to do- I naturally love my family, but we/ they have very unhealthy patterns toward me and when we are together, and with one another. It has been a difficult process, separating myself from them. I still call them in emergencies, and it is very hard not to text them when they have a problem.
It is a process, and I have a lot of support from DH. It is difficult not having contact, but it is for the best in the long run. Life with them is damaging to me. So- I take it one day and one step at a time. I just had an emergency operation- as in- a true emergency, I went to the ER for a pain in my side and they said “we need to take this out by morning, we are sending you to surgery right now.” I panicked. I called my dad. He came.
And yelled at me. When I came to, he was there and I was so happy- then we got into a fight. WORST thing ever. You just can’t yell at someone on a hospital bed. Anyway, as horrible as it was (I cried for days in the hospital because I was so upset)- their actions always re-solidify my feelings that I should be away from them. My family has a lot of problems, and that makes it difficult for me to not feel guilty or compassionate- I always want to help them and some of them (if not all) have some mental disease. But then, I contact them and get upsetted and yelled at when I am at my most vulnerable, and realizing the truth makes me stronger. It is definitely difficult, but if it is best for you, take steps to distance yourself.
Post # 19
My father. None of my siblings speak to him, either. He was never a good guy and was verbally and emotionally (and eventually physically) abusive, and leaving me in another state at night and then just driving home was the last straw. Done. He’s not invited to my wedding, I don’t think he even knows I’m engaged, and I doubt he will ever meet any of his grandkids (not my children for sure, and I believe all of my siblings feel the same way). He was horrendous to my siblings during the divorce and forced visitations, and now that they’re old enough to refuse, he only sees them when he stalks them at home or school. The man is infuriating, and has control issues.
Toxic people do not need to be in your life, relation or not. You should not have to suffer just because of you were born to.
Post # 20
@cbee: This is always how it is with the toxic ones isn’t it? You love them so you bring them into your lives and then they disappoint you or treat you badly so you distance yourself. Over time your brain forgets or the hurt numbs and you invite them back in and they do what they do every time, ruin it. This was how it was for YEARS with my father and how it is with my brother. It is so frustrating and hurtful and so hard to finally say NO I will NOT be treated like that ever again. I feel you and I’m so sorry your dealing with that.
Post # 21
I just want to give all of you hugs!
Post # 21
My stepdad has been cut out of our family completely. We don’t even speak his name. He never got along with me or my siblings, but my Mom liked him so he stayed. He was arrested a few years ago now and that’s the last time we saw him. There’s a restraining order against him for my entire family so even if anyone wanted to talk to him, not that they ever ever would, they couldn’t. It’s a really sucky situation but I think my family is stronger for having gone through this.
Plus now my family gets along way better, we have family meals with my Dad and Mom and it feels like it did when we were kids. Way better than when my stepdad was in the picture.
Post # 22
My whole family basically has nothing to do with my life. My DH and I went to my dad’s house for Christmas and it was a bit tense because no one in my family likes him. I’m not sure what it is but they can’t stand him but decided to try to work it out so they could see my son for the holidays. After Christmas they didn’t say anything to me at all until 2 days before the wedding finally telling me the would be there. I didn’t ask my dad to walk me down the isle because I see that as a sign of approval and since he doesn’t approve I didn’t want him to give me away. My parents and sisters sat in the very back of the church looking upset (my sisters smiled for part of it but my just cried and my dad looked really mad) and didn’t even stay for the reception. While we were standing just outside the doors to thank our guests for coming and to tell them to go to the next room for the reception my mom, instead of saying she was happy for me or congratulating us, said that she found out LAST MONTH that she has a type of cancer. AT MY WEDDING!!! My dad didn’t say anything he just gave my DH an evil look and left. Apparently my sisters had to force him into the church in the first place. The wedding wasn’t even a week ago but I still think there is no changing things. I doubt they will be in my life anymore and I am fine with that because I have a life with my husband and son and that’s what matters to me.
Post # 23
My grandpa on my mom’s side got divorced from my grandma when my mom was very little. A while later my grandpa remarried this AWFUL woman who was nothing but a manipulative woman She didn’t want my grandpa to talk to my mom or anything. After he died I never bothered to talk to her as she never bothered to talk to me when he was alive.
Post # 24
ugh. this is so sad and hard. there were several times that i almost cut my parents out of my life due to drama and negative attitudes, mental illness, alcoholism, drug use, etc.
but… i can’t do it. i live 3000 miles away so i dont see them often (once a year) but i am planning to have them at my wedding. it was such a hard decision to decide if i wanted to invite them, and im still not 100% sure if i want them there. i dont want to play the parent role anymore.
there is a really good book that i read called toxic parents that helped me through some hard times. i would recommend it if you havent read it.
Post # 25
My Hustobe and I don’t see his immediate family – it has been like this for 2 years. Ironically his parents had a huge falling out with their parents and never saw them which makes me think they’d be esp careful when dealing with us. They don’t have healthy relationships with anyone close and we suspect his mother at least has a mental disorder which is of course awful and sad but unfortunately we were the targets of it and could’nt get through to her no matter how hard we tried. His father and brother defend it and believe her lies/paranoia. Life was so dramatic and stressful when they were involved and unfortunately we found it escalated after our first child was born and we just couldn’t handle that whilst trying to adapt to new parenthood. It became unbearable, abusive and ended up in an ugly domestic at our house in front of our child and we ended up moving and never telling them where we lived. We feel sick about the whole affair of course and people who didn’t live through it with us can’t understand but it is not out of revenge or vindictiveness we don’t see them, we are scared our family unit will be destroyed like theirs. We have sincerely attempted to reconcile when we forgot how bad it was and immediately the response was dramatic, abusive. This time family friends who had almost believed the lies experienced the same abuse, paranoia and vindictiveness & thankfully they now understand. I have been feeling terrible that they are not invited to the wedding and we have discussed it alot lately but it keeps coming back to the fear of letting them back into our lives. Some people when they discover this are shocked but it isn’t like dealing with a normal fight/people, I wish it was. It is a relief to see we are not alone in this kind of situation, but sad.
Post # 26
Yep – had to. Best decision I ever made, it made room in my life for people who love me. Sometimes it’s hard, as in planning a wedding without family members traditionally part of the thing, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. In my case, it was actually somewhat easier, as things were so extreme.
Post # 27
Yes, and it’s quite a sensitive topic right now.
Post # 28
Yes, my mother. For reasons that no one in the family understands, she pretty much disliked everything I did from the moment I was born. Finally, in 1993, I decided to spend a year figuring out whether, if I stopped dealing with her, there was any time at which I would have missed her. In 1994, when the answer was clearly no, I cut off contact with her. The only times I have seen her since then are big family events to which both of us are invited, and then I try to ignore her as much as possible.
Post # 29
Yes. I don’t talk to my dad at all…and haven’t for the past 5 years. He doesn’t support me (in general, but for example he said that with my major and a nickel I couldn’t even buy a cup of coffee), and he’s not the kind of person I would choose to have as a friend (he’s cheated on pretty much everyone he’s ever been with, has a temper, and doesn’t really care how his actions affect other people), so why let him into my life just because he’s my father?
I read the post about your cat and mom. I think it’s just completely terrible what she did, but I think that maybe seeking out a counselor’s help before making the decision to completely cut her out would be wise. If I’m remembering correctly, you said that this was completely out of character for her, and I think that it should be explored.
Post # 30
My Dad for about 5 years. I still don’t know what to do about him coming to the wedding…